(Almost) Alone · 8:57pm Dec 16th, 2014
So I mention before that I was doing a collab with Skate. This was planned to be realeased at Christmas and was stopped because of us not having the time. We do plan to continue one next year, but I wanted to show you all what I had written for the story (Almost) Alone. This was going to be the collab, but I've taken it over and the collab will be started once we have the time as a different story. Anyways, here it is, but keep in mind that none of my editors have gone through it:
A steady, but light, fall of snow permeated the town square Vinyl was walking through. It was the night of Hearths Warming Eve and so far her day had been crap. Her gig had been busted after her outburst, she had been evicted from her apartment after an ‘incident’, and yet after all of her short comings no one had offered or even considered to help her get back on her feet. She walked over to a park bench and sat down to eat what was left of her food from her satchel. She hoped that a passerby may ask what was wrong and help her. But alas, the park was empty; the citizens of the town had all gone back into their warm and comfortable homes to wait for the coming festivities.
Till the next one
-R
Looks pretty good, actually. Can't wait 'til next year.
It is looking good try to get more done maybe like four new paragraphs if possible. I hope that I can get to this on January first and I hope you will be able to have time too by then.
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Thanks!
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Cool, I'll see if I can.
You don't need the first comma. "But" isn't a conjunction in this situation, so there's no need for a comma before it.
I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's Hearth's Warming Eve.
"And" is a conjunction because there are two independent clauses it's connecting, so you would need a comma before it.
Shortcomings is one word.
It isn't exactly wrong, but it sounds awkward when you use "may." Try using "would" instead.
Nice job! Can't wait to see it!
Nice I will give it a like granted it is just a piece.
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Thanks, I hope you'll enjoy reading it. I do have a plan of how it may go, but I'll have to see how it'll go.
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Shouldn't you be studying?
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I'm going to do it after I study.
2658085 Well good. I can't have you failing! Who's going to write the stories I edit then?
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Hey, I'm an all A student. No need to worry. I mean Stratus would probably write them. (Don't tell him but we both know I'm the better writer(shadow says sarcastically)).
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I won't even touch that area
I'm already indecisive enough, let alone on such a big subject.
Straight A's, huh? Nice. I was always more of an A-B student.
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Indecisive on whose the better writer? The only time Bs have appeared on report card that I can remember would come from exams.
2658140 Not so much as to whose the better writer, but mainly whose the better anything, I guess. I've always had trouble picking the "winners" for things, especially if there are more than two competitors.
Seriously? That's really cool. You definitely seem like you have a good future in store for you
Good job on the story, and sorry to hear that it got postponed. One big tip from me (well, two):
I notice you used "had been" twice in this sentence, and it is also in the sentence before. Excessive use of words/phrases can bore readers; therefore, I would suggest changing at least one of these "had been's" to "was".
For my second tip, the sentence "and yet after all of her shortcomings no one had offered..." needs a comma after "yet" and "shortcomings". If you were to remove "after all of her shortcomings" from the sentence entirely, you will see that the overall summary of the sentence remains the same. I don't remember the term used for this (once I get back into English classes I'll know lol), but this phrase is a dependent clause, which means it cannot run alone without a stronger sentence to follow it. This is why you need these commas, and if you ever run into a sentence like this, remember to check: if I can take it out and still get the same resulting conclusion, then it needs commas.
I hope this helps in some way!
From hell, to you, and back again,
Fort Impression, Now Possessing a Cutie Mark!
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Thanks! It helped.
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He's got a better kd and stuff on battlefield and more hours and levels. So, he's better at some things. But I'm better at soccer, writing, and school then him.
And yeah. I got called to the office once for an update on my profile thing and the lady was like: What clubs are you in? Do you enjoy it here? How are the teachers? What do you plan to do about collage? What do you intent to do as a job?
I was just like: Art club, yes, good, I'm going here, this. You should've seen her face.
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I have seventy three followers!
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Yeah! Good job! Also, I started a challenge for my group. I know you aren't a fan of the ship, which is why I included friendshipping, and I thought it would be really fun to do (if you can participate). The challenge is here.
2658395 Hey! I love soccer! How long have you been playing? So far I've been playing for sixteen years and counting
Unless you're only counting how many years I've been on a team, which would be a total of nine years.
And really? Wow, you've got your whole life planned, huh? I'm still an Undeclared in college. My mom says it's beneficial because then I can work in almost any field, but at the same time, I would like a major.
*to your second comment*
Congrats! 73 followers without posting one story! I actually think that could be a record on here
2658409 Sounds fun! Too bad I'm not a writer though
although I'm sure if Shadow needs me to edit his oneshot, assuming he participates, I'll do it.
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Oh yay! That's cool!
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I thought about doing it but can't do that kind of pairing. Not that I don't like it, it's just that I can't write Pinkie.
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Three right now, but I only really played last year. I got ten goals, two assists and part of the ten goals was a hat trick in the first half.
Basically, I'll go to collage, join the army, retire when I want, build a house, and become an architect if I can.
Ha, darn Kes Kes has three more.
2659985 Nice! So you're more of an offensive player? I can play offense, but I prefer playing goalie. The last time I played on a team, we got scored on a total of seven times the whole four-month season
Building your own house? Woah, I wouldn't even know where to start! I know it has wood... And that's about it
After college, I kind of want to be an engineer, so I can build either cars or planes. I take it you're pretty artistic?
Oh, right there! You can do it!
2659978 lol that is totally understandable. Pinkie is really hard to write, but I love Pinkie Pie. She is my favorite character to write as because you can never expect what she is going to say or do. She is just amazing and random.