Is it bad to forshadow or worry? · 12:13am Aug 24th, 2014
Listening to the sad but beautiful theme of Vera Lynn, and I'm crying. She is my grans favorite musical artist and my third. We adore her music, and listen to it pretty much all the time. I'm doing just that now.
It makes me think of the past. I love gran. I seriously do and never will stop doing that, and I think of all the times I've been a complete and immature prick some of the time. I haven't been myself for ages, and doing this doesn't help me one bit. Its depressing and I'd rather shoot myself in the head than cling onto the feelings.
I just hate the fact that she is getting on in years, and she does so much for me, and now that I barely am myself (like I ever was...) I just wanna cry, but can't. I feel like an overflowed dam...
I want to make things right. For all the bad I've done and caused. To her and the family it is the least I can do for them. I dunno how to make it right. I wanna do something for her. For her birthday in November, maybe?
Time is just running short, and if she passes before things go right with us, I dunno if I can live with myself. I've thought so much about it and even tried going over with it, once nearly slitting my own throat, but what good would that do? That would just kill her and my family.
What can I do? Please...I just want to make it right. Vera Lynn doesn't help me with the problem, no matter how beautiful. Grans like a mother to me, and I just want to show her how much I do care and appreciate her and the things she does for me.
*sniffle* Redemption hates me...I hate myself for hating myself but can't stop...
Then again, why would anyone care? I don't talk with great reason, one being trust in others and the other being the outcome.
How would you feel if you were a twat to someone you loved deeply or cared greatly about and couldn't make things right because they went far from you or died of something, weather that being age or something else?
I just want help...I seriously can't stop crying...
Sometimes on life we may think back about what we've done and think to ourselves "I could done X and everything would've been better" while these thoughts are almost impossible to prevent, it's important not to let then overwhelm us. Now I don't know much about what happened but I can say that gran doesn't dislike or resent you for anything you have done. You should do something with her, anything. It doesn't have to be big heck it can just be going out to eat. Do something though. In her eyes you taking time out of your day to spend time with her will be the best show of love possible. Try not to get too worked up over it either, you obviously love her and she loves you. I hope I helped, I'm not the best as helping with this kind if stuff. Good luck fire rain, I'll be praying for the best.
2395425 Hey. It really does help, its just that I thought I was past all this depression...clearly I'm not.
I've been crying for like 2 hours or so, and listening to Vera Lynn and Titanic soundtrack, I cried more. But now, I wanna go to be and try to make it right.
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FireRain (RainFire/LemonStone)