My intentions for future activity.

Anyone that's dropped in on my page over the time I've been here will note that I've at several points mentioned that I have a story in the works. Several stories, really.

Yet I have failed to bring a single one of them to the publishing stages. This is my explanation of why.

My love of the written word is an intricate, labyrinthine love which I have difficulty relating to other people. Something that is written down will remain written long after the writer forgets the meaning of his or her own words, which I choose to express in the short term by quoting "Implication is greater than intent". Basically, a writer can go into a piece meaning to express one idea in particular, and through carelessness or nonspecific wording they may wind up expressing any number of similar or even contrary ideas. The written word is a form of artistic expression as much as it is a means of communicating inarguable truths, which leaves the meaning of a word open to interpretation. As such, we can see a clear and dramatic difference between how an idea is expressed. Be it formal speech for an essay or lecture, curt and contrite wording to define systematic workings or legal agreements, flowing and impressionable word choice in poetry, or a relaxed characterizational phrase, we can go our entire lives without really considering how these are different from each other.

For the most part, ignorance of these differences is harmless. The vast majority of people don't have a need or a desire to define these separations, because there really isn't a common reason to do so. Legal matters are taken care of by lawyers, who train to understand how important it is to be clear and concise. They must do so to avoid loopholes in their agreements, or deniability of their claims. because of their heightened understanding of clear and concise legal counsel, people hire a lawyer to read the massive, confusing texts that make up a contract, removing the need to learn that pattern for themselves. Similarly, a person without understanding of the nuanced thought behind poetry will read a haiku and miss a large chunk of its' beauty. I don't mean to say that they are incapable of understanding it, rather, they just don't have a large enough idea pool to draw from at that point in their lives.

I've said before and will continue to believe that ideas are a finite resource. When it comes to original thoughts, human beings are completely incapable of producing something that they have not already experienced in some form or another. When a person thinks about something, say, an apple, they can think about it as a whole or as a collection of ideas. These ideas are otherwise known as properties, but for the sake of my argument I'll refer to them as ideas. What ideas make up an apple? Depending on the apple, you have red skin, juicy yellow fresh, the sound of crunching as you bite into it, the flavor, the relative size, that it has seeds, the attributes of the apple could never be entirely expressed. Why, you may ask? Because each different way of describing something is a combination of the ideas that make up its' existence, and each of those ideas is made up of other ideas. To top it off, we have hundreds of different ways to describe each of those individual ideas! It's rather amazing when you think about it, and also rather intimidating. With so many ways to say the same thing, which is the best to use? You can always change your mind before you commit, but once you've expressed the idea you can be judged by others based on their own understanding of it.

With the notion that original content is unattainable, it can be difficult to believe in your own ability to create something interesting or unique. Big, tentacly creature causes some trouble for that vessel? Total rip-off of this other thing I read somewhere else. If unique ideas are finite, it must mean that eventually nobody will be able to do something that hasn't already been done an infinite number of times before. consider, however, that even if something has limits it can still be considered limitless. The sheer vastness of ideas available will probably never be entirely explored, much the same as the entirety of the Earth has yet to be completely cataloged. Forgive me, I've strayed a bit too far from my intended point. That's something I tend to do.

Returning to the concept of definitive writing patterns, the storytelling means of expression is considerably vast. You have fiction and non-fiction, historical retellings both formal and fantastical, fantasy and scientific, adventurous and tame, and innumerable other genres. that's not even mentioning perspective. Are you writing from the first person, the second, third, or even fourth person? Are you telling the story from a narrative position or as though you were one of your characters recalling their own past? There are just so many options to choose from, with each having their own merits and disadvantages. Consider the following passage in the first person;

I walked towards the door, my heart racing as each step drew me nearer to the unknown. Whatever awaited me beyond that ominous panel of compacted sawdust on a hinge, it would be entirely new to me. Try as I might, I could not keep my hand steady as I reached for the knob- my trembling fingers slipped from the handle many times before I could bring myself to grasp it. I had to do this now, before I lost my nerve again. If I couldn't bring myself to push past this door, this simple construct of separation, the world would never know the truth.

I nearly tripped as I tore myself away from the door. My eyes burned, tears threatening to spill from my eyes as I realized my own failure. I couldn't do it, I was just too weak, too afraid to take the next step. Stupid, stupid, stupid. My lungs began to scream at me as I stepped towards the door again, unaware that I'd been holding my breath the entire time. There was nobody to blame for this crippling fear but myself, I had been the one to let it stop me in the past. I had been the one who gave up too soon when everyone else had decided to press on, into the corridor. There was no way I could have known that they'd...

The tears came in full force as their screams echoed through my mind again. By now, I should have been able to cope with the loss, but I'd refused to let myself accept the truth. A distant knocking brought me back to reality, the sound cutting through me like a series of hot needles. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't let the same thing happen to me, no matter how much I wish I could have gone with the others. I braced myself and threw open the door, closing my eyes against the harsh light and feeling the burning heat against my skin. I don't know how long I ran for, only that by the time I looked back the complex was little more than a speck in the distance. I took a moment to catch my breath, casting my gaze to the endless sea of shimmering white around me. There was nothing else, just sand and sun as far as the eye could see.

That's when I started to get thirsty...

That little passage contains so many aspects of storytelling, and no matter how satisfied I am with ti I'll never be able to look at it and think "There's no other way I'd rather have written this". I could have done it so many different ways, and it kills me a little inside when I start to think how each of those ways would affect the meaning of the scene. I could write it in the third person narrative, or the recollective first person, perhaps even in the future-tense narrative. I could present an omniscient view, letting the reader know exactly what was going on, or I could take the perspective of the door itself and take a creative spin on the second person narrative, cutting out the emotional responses and showing an interpretation of the characters' actions with absolutely no empathy involved. That last one sounds like something I' love to do, actually.

Basically, I've yet to publish anything because I can't decide how I want to relate the story to my audience. I can't decide how I want them to feel at a specific moment, or how much I want them to know. Even when I do know exactly how I want a scene to work, I overexert myself trying to consider the story as a whole before I can commit to blocking out a rough draft and that takes a huge chunk of my motivation away. My writing process has always been as such; conceptualization and basic framework, character drafting, think and rethink the characters individually, bounce the characters off of each other to establish individuality and reactions, return to framework and consider setting, block out story concept in relation to characters and setting, reconsider purpose of story, expand framework to account for a plot, bounce characters off of the rough draft of the plot until I'm satisfied, take some time away, return to synopsis and timeline efforts with fresh ideas, reread all notes and rough drafts and reconsider plot and story purpose, establish second draft of synopsis and scene blocking, review storyboard, redo timeline, assemble a story synopsis for events,characters,settings,etcedera, identify individual arcs and scenes and separate them, assemble rough drafts for each scene, line the scenes up and reread, make editations, assemble a third draft of the entire story and reread, consider audience perspective and seek an outside opinion, edit the third draft and reread, take time to consider any other possible changes and rewrite scenes in differing styles to compare, assemble final draft and reread, consider publishing. Note that it says 'consider' publishing. By the time I've reached this stage, I've gotten so attached to the premise and idea of having a story that the thought of revealing a project so intimate to my perspective is... well, it's terrifying. That, and it means that it's done. As in done, no more significant work to do on it aside from post-publishing error fixes. Being done with something is a sad thing, because it leaves you with an emptiness. I don't think I'm ready for that emptiness yet.

However, I do think that I could stand to put the final polish on all of these oneshots I have lying around. They're small enough that I wouldn't be too bevastated at the loss of the project, and it would be a good way to gauge how people will react to my writing style.

Aside from considering those, I'm thinking of paying more attention to the blogging aspect of FiMFiction, and it would be nice to start editing for people who aren't pure beginners, or who abandon their stories and leave without a word of notice. I'm not sure yet what I really want to do, but I've got nothing but time and being more active here seems like as good a way as any to fill it.