Top 5 Reasons Why Twilight Sparkle Should Never Be A Princess · 9:04pm Nov 16th, 2013

Greetings, valued followers and passers-by alike! It is I, the one and only DemPonies. I know I haven't exactly blogged about anything in a while (last blogpost was about 58 weeks ago, but who's counting, right?) but today, with the season four premiere so close at hand, I have a little topic I'd like to share with you, one that is very close to my heart.

Now, anyone who knows me know that I recognize the undeniable truth that Twilight Sparkle is best pony (it's been proven by science, fool!) so I hold nothing but love for all our favorite purple unicorn-turned-alicorn. I'm writing a story with her in the lead-role, after all. However... I can't, with a clean enough conscience, stand idly by as I see the speeding train wreak come ever closer, the vanguard and the beginning of the collapse of Equestrian society! I am talking, of course, about Twilight's ascent into princesshood. It is my aspiration that by the end of this blogpost, you will recognize the truth of what I am about to say; that Twilight Sparkle is not just unfit for her Royal duties, but to hold any position of govenment what so ever.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, I present to you the top five reasons why Twilight Sparkle will make a terrible princess:

(Fasten your seatbelts, everyone, cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride!)

Reason# 1: Twilight Sparkle is a communist!

Would it be suspicious if I quoted Das Kapital here? - Twilight "Comrade" Sparkle

I know what you're thinking. You all read the title. You think I've gone crazy, lost my marbles even (don't deny it) but I have proof! Absolute, undeniable proof of my allegations of Marxist sympathies! Just watch this footage and see for yourself:

Due to nefarious government intervention, the video won't jump to when I tell it to. Evidence starts at 1:40 minutes in.

There. There! I couldn't imagine a better piece of evidence if I'd fabricated it myself. See how obsessed she is with spreading the resources equally, even at the detriment of the entire group? This is how she means to manage Equestria, if given the opportunity. Having Twilight in charge is equivalent of bolshevik rule! And no, I'm not blowing this out of proportions! Soon she will force both the pegasus and unicorn populations out into the fields, hoggle all the books to herself, and grow a beard (all the best communist leaders have beards!) then she'd establish the thought-police, which brings me to my next point:

Remember: four legs good! Two legs baaaaaad!

Reason# 2: Twilight Sparkle is watching you!

Now, this might seem redundant, what with the previous point and all, but I still feel that this needs to be stressed. Regarding a certain incident involving time-travel where Twilight came into contact with a future version of herself--warning her of an imminent disaster to come--what was her immediate reaction to this? Trying to ensure the safety of those around her.

A sensible course of action, yes, but what happened the moment she faced difficulty? What happened is that she decided to monitor everything!

An intruder in the base!

This is the "privacy vs. security" argument all over again except, this time, there is no privacy end to the spectrum. In order to guarantee the safety of all Equestrians, she'd establish a 24-hour surveillance policy of everypony and everywhere! Including (presumably) your bank account, mail, bookcase (especially your bookcase!), bedroom, and bathroom; like some kind of malign Santa Clause. Ewww!

Twilight sees things during her surveillance... TERRIBLE THINGS...

So, unless the thought of a constant monitoring(!) excites you (weirdo), then you really shouldn't look forward to Twilight Sparkle's rule. Speaking of which, next topic:

Reason# 3: Twilight Sparkle is not a people-pony!

By her own admission, Twilight is not very good when it comes to ponies. From an early childhood, she had had little to no social contacts other than an unhealthy obsession with her elder brother (to the point where she disapproved of him marrying without informing her first), a supposedly 'close' relationship with a foal-sitter whose full name she didn't even know, and the unintentionally hatched baby dragon whom she immediately put to work as an 'assistant'/fax-machine.

She's thus far gotten away with it only because Canterlot Court couldn't decide if the case fell under child cruelty or animal abuse...

Finally--by Royal decree, one might add--she did go out and found some equally deranged minds with whom she could assort with, including a constantly sugar-high baker of dubious sanity, an obsessively neat and attention-hungry seamstress overly focused on physical appearances, a pegasus with a pathological fear of heights--and everything else besides animals, for that matter--an athlete with a superiority-inferiority complex, as well as a farmpony who probably considers passing fourth-grade an accomplishment.

Pictured: Escapees from a mental institution; presumed to be armed and very dangerous!

Overall, not the kind of pony you'd want ruling your kingdom else she might appoint crazy ponies to her cabinet. Next point on the list:

Reason# 4: Twilight Sparkle is naked!

WARNING! Content might not be suitable for younger readers!

Now, what I am about to reveal might shock you, but it's a little known fact that our dear Princess-To-Be has the most scandalous habit of going in the nude, even--as these very incriminating photos will prove--outside appropriate settings such as nude beaches, orgies, and the confounds of her own home! Again, sensitive readers should proceed with caution!

COVER YOUR SHAME!!!

Yes, it is as clear as it if shocking! Now, with such an overwhelming display of... exposure, I think it's obvious that---

Huh?
*whispers*
You mean a lot of ponies walk around nude?
*more whispers*
Pretty much all of them!? Pretty much all the time!?

Oh, well then... this is embarrassing...

I move that the last point be stricken off the record!

Moving on...

Reason# 5 4: Twilight Sparkle is insane!

Now, it hopefully won't come as a surprise to anyone when I share with you the fact that Twilight Sparkle is a little bit, well, crazy... and insane... kooky... mad, nutty, wacky, bonkers-mentally-unblanced-and-maybe-even-a-little-bit-unhinged...

We've seen many instances of this throughout her time in Ponyville, including several occasions of her stress-induced insanity actually endangering her adopted hometown, such as when she accidentally made a storm of hungry pests almost devour it, put a curse on a number of important town figures, as well as to actually brainwash its entire populace to fight over a small rag doll.

"What's that Miss Smartypants? Burn them all, you say?"

In conclusion, giving a pony with some kind-of-hard-to-diagnose disorder, who cracks under pressure and has mental breakdowns everytime something doesn't go entirely according to schedule, powers of authority might not be a terribly good idea. Especially when that authority extends over an entire nation!
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So, those are just the top ~~five~~ four reasons why Twilight Sparkle shouldn't be a princess. Hopefully, we can now band together and--

*crash*

Wait, who are you?

*smack*

No, not in the face!

*cartoon sound-effect*

AND CELEBRATE PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE'S GLORIOUS NEW REGIME!

Signed, 4th-grade citizen#2346-B

GLORY TO EQUESTRIA!

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