Review: apple jacks suicide · 2:54am Aug 18th, 2013

I'm serious. That's the name of the story. If I wrote it correctly, it wouldn't seem legit.
Hello everybody! It's another review!
Oh joy.
It's been a while since I did one of these.
It's been a while since you did anything.
I just wanted to start reviewing some more even though I'm an insignificant asshat when it comes to reviews!
If only you wanted to update some more.
*sigh* The procrastination levels are too damn high, Size 7 text.
My hate levels for you aren't high enough.
Anyway! This is a cheery little story about Applejack committing suicide. Now, I just want to be clear, this story (if you could even call it that) has three chapters. These chapters add up to a total of 1,187 words. The chapters are literally so small I can review all of them within the size of the average (important) blog post.
Also, if anybody has the idiocy and/or sincerity to actually read this, PLEASE let me know if you like this review crap.
I just don't wanna sit here doing something that nobody gives two shits and a Jesus about.
Furthermore, if said individual would like to suggest another story for me to review, please do so.
Now let's get started shall we?

apple jacks suicide
Author: pikmin134
(no cover image, whoop-dee-do.)
Description: after a terrible accident ouccures apple jack go's insane. will rainbow dash beable to help her freind are is it too late. (No, I'm fucking serious, that's copy/pasted.)

Now, before we dive into this monstrosity, I'd like to point out two tings.
1. Just look at the motherfucking description. I don't know what a beable is, I didn't know E came before I except after C and/or Q, and I also don't know what ouccures means.
2. On the author's page, his blog post states that due to a friend the story got posted. What does that mean? I think it means that it wasn't posted originally and a friend bailed him out, or he's friends with one of the admins/moderators/owners/idontevenfuckingknow.jpg

Now, then.

Chapter 1: "the accident"

One day in Ponyville, Applejack was joking around in the town.

Whoops, looks like the creator accidentally made a grammatically correct sentence.

She was freaking out in a hyper rage and was literally bouncing off the walls.

Well, I'd get the FUCK out of there, if you know what I'm saying.

When she bounce off a weak and dead tree;the Rainbow maned pegasus, Rainbow Dash heard a loud creek then the big tree fell downward. Applejack stopped dead in her tracks and looked at the fallen tree. Blood poured from underneath the tree, Applejack moved to the tree just enough to see her younger sister Apple Bloom's head smashed in and her brains leaking out.

JESUS CHRIST! That really changed the mood!
I dunno if it was the fact that Rainbow Dash appeared out of butt-fuck nowhere, or the fact that brains leak out of trees, but DAMN, this made a turn for the worse!

Applejack fell backwards,she knew her siser was dead.

liek if u cry evrytiem :'(

With that the somber mare started to crying then ran back to her house

Well, that's the end of the chapter.
...No, I'm serious, that's it. What's that? You want a cookie? Well you'll want more than a cookie after this, I'm sure of it.
This story feels so utterly rushed to the point where it doesn't even feel rushed anymore. The chapter doesn't even give half of the space provided in that reading... window... thing. Yet it still feels perfectly normal for the story.
Applejack's jacked as shit?
Check.
She breaks a tree?
Checkaroo.
Applebloom dies?
Czech Republic.
I think it's because I spend most of my time looking at the mistakes rather than actually caring about the story. In any other story on the face of the planet disregarding trollfics, if a character was bouncing off of everything for no absolute reason, I'd be like:
"Yo. What's with-*ahem* what's with MY ENTIRE IMAGINATION BEING DESTROYED LIKE THIS you can't DO THAT just-just STAHP IT"
But in THIS story I'd be like this:
"Oh. Bouncing off walls? Nothing unusual here."
Anyways, next chapter.

Chapter 2: "the awful psycoticness behind applejack"
Hey, Applejack, turn around. You got an awful psycoticness behind you.

Rainbow Dash knocked on Applejack's door but there was no answer. She knocked agian and again still there was no answer. Rainbow Dash began to wonder if Apple jack was ok.Frustrated and a bit scared for her friend, Rainbow Dash decided to just walked in to the house.

Knock.
No answer.
Knock again.
No answer.
"GEE, I'M FRUSTRATED AND SCARED"
Proceed to break and enter.

The Pegasus mare took a few steps forward only to find that Applejack sharping an axe. Applejack slowly turned her head around she had a big creepy smile plastered across her face.

Okay, I want to know. Is it Apple Jack or Applejack? Because I've only said it latter.

"Howdy...Rainbow..."The orange earth said slowly.

" Applejac-...you-your scaring me."Rainbow Dash took a step forward. "It....was an accident...it wasn't your fault...You shouldn't beat yourself ove-... "

OH MAH GAWD THE SUSPENSE IF DRIVING ME CURAAAAAYZEE

Applejack chuckled softly and spun around with the axe, slashing it at her friend's head. The axe shaved a little bit of hair off of Rainbow Dashe's head. Rainbow dash stumbled backwards in fear, dodging a second strike. "What the hay Applejack...what are yo-"

Y'know, some people might try to comfort a friend that's going insane over the death of their younger sibling when they are holding an axe that was just recently sharpened, but I would get the fuck out of there.
I dunno. I guess I'm cold-hearted.

"I...killed her Rainbow...."Applejack raised her hoof up holding the axe out in front of herself."Ain't much...left for me....to live for...so...anymore...so I guess if i'm gonna go I'll take ya with me!!!"Applejack Eyes went wild."Now...I'll kill You!!!"

"Why are you talking like that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Well... if ya... look back... I kinda... ran as... fast as I... could back... here so... I'm kinda... out of... breath..."
"Oh. Well, do you need a drink or something?"
"Nah... just.. gimme a... second..."

Rainbow shot up from the ground, turned then ran out of the Applejack's house. Applejack followed slowly after the terrified pegasus;her crazed face told Rainbow that she was serious. Applejack sped forwad turned quickly and bucked Rainbow

Well it seems as if her fear of recently sharpened axes prevented Rainbow Dash from flying AND being the Usain Bolt of Equestria.

dash as hard as she could.Rainbow screamed in pain as she fell to the ground,she turned only to see Applejack standing over her with the axe high in the air. Applejack slammed the axe down at Rainbow dash but Rainbow rolled to the right at the last

...Wait a minute, is this supposed to be part of the last paragraph? What the fuck?

second dodging the axe.The axe stabbed into the ground; Applejack tried to pull the axe out but it was stuck.

No, I'm serious, what the hell? I'm legitimately confused about this. It's like the author was getting his own suspense messing with his head so much that he hit the Enter button sporadically.

" Applejack...stop...this isn't you...your not a killer...please...would this be what Apple Bloom would want..."Rainbow pleaded."Think of your sister...please don't kill me...or yourself...please...I'm your friend..."

I... just can't... fucking... read this shit... anymore... someone... get me some bleach...
"But that's saved for the Pokémon fanfics!"
God... fucking... dammit...

Aplejack started crying agian; she dropped the axe to the ground and ran back into her house.

Okay, wat? Applejack must be the most bi-polar ~~background pony~~ ~~insignificant character~~ ~~BITCH-ASS NIGGA~~ character I have ever seen. If you're going to make your character be sad, go insane, and then be sad again, put some fucking transition into it instead of it being at the snap of a finger.

"Apple..."Rainbow started but the door quickly shut closed."Appljack...please let me..." "I-I'm...ok...now...I'm really...horribly sorry...I..."Applejack trailed off."Just...please leave...I want to be alone..."

If you wanted to be alone, why'd you chase Rainbow Dash you bi-polar piece of shit?
I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.

"Applejack..." "Please...just go..." Rainbow Dash lowered her head. "O-ok....please...don't do anything stupid...ok..

I just want to point out that these so-called "paragraphs" are mostly one sentence long. This quote above this sentence was literally three "paragraphs."

Rinbow Dsh walked slowly home;hoping beyond hope that her friend would be alright. Applejack sat in a chair thinking about what her friend had said. Suddenly Applejack's psychoticness kicked in again. She then started to rage with anger. Applejack smashed through the front door of her house with her sharp axe.

I want to cum inside "Rinbow Dsh."
Also, there we go again with the goddamn bi-polarity.

"I...can't somepony...has to...die...." "Hey Applejack...Twilight told me...what happened and she....sent me....to see if you were alrigh-"Spike the dragon started. Applejack grinned to herself when she heard the familiar voice of Twilight's assistant.

What, do you want me to say something funny?
Peenerwieners.
There. Happy?

"Your...just in time Spike..."Applejack said in a crazed voice. "What do you...mean Applejac-"The timid baby dragon began with a grimace plastered across his face. "To die!!!!!"

Spike's eyes lit up,he opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut his mouth as Applejack raised the Axe over her head. "Applejack no!!!!" Spike screamed, but it was in vain as the earth pony brought the axe down through the poor dragon's head.

SPIKE TECHNICALLY ISN'T A PONY SO YOU HAVE TO KILL SOMEBODY ELSE
HALF-LIFE 3 CONFIRMED
HOENN CONFIRMED
ONLY HUMAN CHAPTER 5 CONFIRMED

Applejack took in several heavy breaths before looking down at the dead dragon at her hooves.The mare's face fell,she lowered her eyes then let out a bloodcurdling scream. Applejack staggered back to her house suddenly she stopped her hoof shot upward and for some reason well beyond the mare she started hitting herself over and over in the face.

"Stup-stupid...hooves...stupid...Spike...stupid...Apple....Bloom...." Applejack punched herself several more time before knocking herself unconscious. Applejack layed on the grassy floor,with her her grandmother fast asleep and her brother out of town there would be nopony to stop the tragedy that happened next.

You got Spike!
Wait, he's dead...
You got Applebloom!
Wait, she's dead...
You've got your parents!
Wait, they're dead...

Well, that was the end of the chapter.
It's beautiful how bad this is. It's like a... a rusty kind of beautiful. It's like a...
Ah, fuck it. Last chapter.

Chapter 3: "noose"

The day of the funeral Rainbow dash walked in the doors of the church crying with flowers in her hoof. she sat in the pews as the casket rolled by. rainbow dash noticed that it was a closed casket funeral. it could't be a opened one becouse the body's head was smashed.

Yeah. I bet NOBODY wanted to look at THAT shit.

rainbow dash broke out in tears and ran out the church and fell in the parking lot. crying after 3 hours of crying rainbow dash calmed down. she thought to herself and realized that apple jack has been in her house for 10 days without coming out.
and fell out into the parking lot
parking lot

I'm sorry, but this is the kind of shit that pisses me off sometimes.
Of course, I can't blame 'em. Everybody needs a spot to park their Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, amirite?

out rainbow dash walked to apple jack's house. opening the door. rainbow dash saw apple jack dead. hanging by a noose rainbow dash walked slowly back home all sad'. when she saw apple bloom apple bloom was white and see through. apple bloom said to rainbow dash.

WHEN THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
WHO YOU GONNA CALL
RAINBOW DASH

"cheer up I planed it me getting crushed by that tree". " look at all the horror you've coused you sick little bitch I hope your in hell" rainbow dash siad in a angry way apple bloom said.

Whoops, you accidentally a sentence.

"I am in hell Ii wanted apple jack to go insane I hated her she was the most annoying bitch I wanted to die' apple jack is in heaven' becouse god forgave her. It was my fault she want nuts' now I want you to die".

Okay, I was about to make a joke about how Applejack really likes nuts, but the sheer retard of this sentence hit me like a motherfucking train. Just take a look at this sentence and stare at it for a while.
Look again.
Do you feel it now?
I'm not joking, this is the kind of crap that you're supposed to see in trollfics, let alone something that is OBVIOUSLY trying to be serious.

apple bloom grabbed some rope flew behind rainbow dash. apple bloom tied the rope around.

"And now, I shall rope burn you to death! MUAHAHAHA!"

rainbow dashes neck apple bloom pulled both ends of the rope sqeezing rainbow dashes neck choking her. then out of the blue' scootaloo jumped out of the bushes and splashed apple bloom with holy water, sending apple bloom back to hell scootaloo.

untied the rope from rainbow dashes neck. rainbow dash was super relived she then thanked scootaloo scootaloo without saying a word scootaloo disapered into the mist.

It's like a shadow. Disappear in the MISSSSSST

Well that was... a thing.
I've really said all I need to say, so...

Score: -42/10
Final verdict: Pass me the Clorox

Whelp, that's that. If you even considered to read this and possibly enjoyed it, well, tell me what to review next.
I'm just waiting for My Little Dashie.
And I'm waiting for the next update.
Shush.

Until next time!
-Burritoburger

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