Thoughts of a Secert Brony · 12:08pm Mar 27th, 2012
Hello all, even though I doubt any will read this.
This post is more for my personal benefit than anything else. It has been quiet a long time since I first viewed MLP: FiM on a youtube channel no less, and for no longer than a month have I actually come to terms with what has happened in my life. But before I get into any of that kind of stuff, I feel it would benefit any would be readers to know a bit more about my life previous to this proclamation. So whether this is read by anypony or just myself when I wake up tomorrow morning hung over, I'll at least be 100% honest with the reader. This is a first for me as well, so congrats if to whomever does read this blog entry, you'll know more about me than I do.
A brief overview of my life. I'm 20 years old now, and for a large portion of my life, I have hated myself. Maybe that isn't quite the right idea behind it, but for a while when I developed a sense of self, say from the 6th grade on, I have hated myself in some fashion. I was bullied for an extremely long amount of time, ever since I switched schools in the 3rd grade. I did make a few friends, but even then, I felt alone deep inside. When I was younger, it was easier for me to talk to adults I trusted and have them help me out with my problems, but as I grew older, I wanted to be able to rely only on myself. I shunned those that I knew cared for me in an attempt to carve out my own path in the Everfree forest that is life. Needless to say, I did rather horribly (I'm attempting to keep a PG-13 rating in my own rant, funny) Anyway, there was an absolute low point in my life, where I felt nothing would be sweeter than the release of life. I saw my friends suffering from their own problems and worries, and with no strength to help them, I felt useless. I could hardly look at my friends who were hurting, let alone myself. I was a waste of life not even deserving the air I breathed, for it felt I was taking it from others who deserved so much more to life than I had. I looked forward to the sweet release that was DEATH, but I was not about to lower myself to DEATH's level. The one thing that I had going for me, that also destroyed me and had me suffering ever second of my life, was the blessing disguised as a curse of, low and behold, empathy. I knew the amount of suffering I felt, not so much from my own experience, but just sharing the pains of my friends. The only pain I personally felt was that of worthlessness to being able to do nothing for my friends. Empathy was my curse, but also my savior. The only reason I am still breathing and able to type this right now is because of that one trait. I knew the pain I felt, and I could not fathom the amount of distress my death would cause my friends and family. If I died doing something worth while, I wouldn't care. I had made up my mind though, I would never take my own life, but if I could sacrifice it to save anyone else, even an enemy, I would gladly do so.
It is strange looking back at myself back then. The greatest gift I was ever given was turned to my curse, and I've since shunned that gift as much as I could, so save myself from the pain it caused. Anyway, once I got through most of high school, about my junior year, I had locked that gift away in a deep locked off corner of myself. I attempted to block out the world with my own selfish feelings, only caring about myself and a few individuals. I had sunk to a low that I didn't know was possible. Even in my darkest moments back when I wished for death to strike me at random like it did to many others, didn't compare to the fact I had hidden what made me a person. Ever since I came to this self realization, I've tried to get back to where I was, even with all the pain it involved. I'm just now getting there.
I know this is supposed to be MLP related, and this is where it gets to that point. I am studying abroad right now, as far from home as I possibly could be, and yet I don't feel that way. Before I left home, I started watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and it made me feel at peace like I had not felt in a long time. Watching that first episode, the Cutie Mark Chronicles, reminded me of how I felt, and solidified Scootaloo as my favorite pony, always searching with who I really was, but failing to realize the talents which I already held inside myself. Part of me wishes Cutie Marks were a real thing, just so I would know, without a doubt, what my gift is. I was the same, and still am the same, as the CMC. On a never ending quest to discover what makes me special amongst my friends and family. One thing I have discovered though, is that this show shines a light into my life that had been missing since I entered the 6th grade, a sense of innocence and enjoyment in the world as a whole. While back in middle and high school, I would find it hard to smile for the sake of smiling, now I can hardly find a reason not to.
My Little Pony has honestly made me a happier person, and has reminded me not to hide what makes me an extraordinary person. It made me realize that the only sin in life is to not try and make everyday the greatest day you can, and to not try and make people smile. For everyone who hates on the MLP:FiM fandom, I pity them, and hope they have something in their life that brings them peace. As for me? I am a Brony, and while I haven't told my friends yet, I could not be happier about that. It being the 3rd time I have ever admitted to myself that I am one, but I am.
Thank you, everypony and anypony, who may stumble upon this random ranting blog post. Adult or child, Moderator or random User, Brony or Troll, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and hope to make the world a brighter place for you. I am Brony, and that gives me a courage that I have not felt since the hardships of the real world decided to take place.
*Hugs tightly* I know stuff like this can be hard to admit to yourself let alone post online for all and sundry to see. I can really relate to how you feel as i'm also remarkably empathetic though unlike you I never managed to lock it all away, i'm only now just learning how to manage it and not let it overwhelm me.
I'm really glad to hear things have turned around for you so much because you're a great writer and seem like a lot of fun.
Welcome to the herd and here's hoping things in life only keep going up!