Mar
19th
2013
For You, Equestria · 2:04am Mar 19th, 2013
Sorry I'm dallying so much with the next part. I'll try to make it worth the wait. Meanwhile, here's a short bit I wrote the other day.
Tidal wave from churning sea
Ever breaking, yields no bend
Slim confusion, subtlety
Ever changing, needs amend
What is life and what is death
Failing frail reality
When it breathes, there is no breath
Left to sleep eternally
Deeper yearn and deeper gain
Falsehood or philosophy
Nerve, though strained, admits no pain
Laws beyond psychology
Ever frozen, never still
Chaos melds with Harmony
Face a void no face can fill
Strength retains identity
What is it that is that are
Is it that which naught can be?
Is it naught that is, or am
All that is we cannot see?
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ForeverFreest · 172 views
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Not feeling this stuff as strongly as your fully composed story. There are a couple of lines that stand out as a bit weak, namely;
which is a stretch of proper conjugation for the rhyme word,
feels forced and doesn't really say much - it's either cliche or empty sounding,
and both of these
While I understand you're going for deliberate syntactical confusion, the meaning is so lost in the attempt to play with the ambiguity of the arrangement that it's almost a null zone of engagement.
The rhyme scheme also didn't lend a great deal of weight to the poem's reading, but that's up for debate. There's also some questionable adjective usage. I'm not really sure what 'slim confusion' means, though maybe there's an allusion apparent there that I'm missing.
Not to say it's a wholly reprehensible short verse - it just doesn't have the same care and attention your other stuff has. Still happy to see shorter stuff come about - I'd be curious to see what your free verse might look like, though you seem to have a tendency for rhyme.
Looking forward to seeing the next update/blog post.
930038 Now there's a pony with a bit of sense. I wrote this poem in less than three minutes as a test for contest judges. I've grown tired of meaningless ambiguities winning every poetry contest I've ever entered, simply because no one could understand a word of them. So this is my personal experiment. I'm going to submit it into the next contest I enter, and see what they have to say about it. If my theory is correct, the judges will be "highly impressed". Oh, I won't win, though. If I wanted to win I shouldn't have bothered with rhyme or meter. This poem has absolutely no meaning whatsoever, and I am deeply gladdened that someone else noticed.
Well done that mod.