March · 8:22am Mar 1st, 2013
March is a very special month to me now. If you'll bear with me, I'll explain why.
I was home schooled starting in first grade and upon graduating high school, I moved a thousand miles away (According to Google maps, 999 miles) to attend college where I got a Bachelor of Science degree in Game Development in less than two years. Unfortunately, upon graduation, I had no job lined up, so I moved back home, where there are no game development companies anywhere around. As a result, I was stuck with over $100,000 in student load debt with no job that gave me any hope of paying that off.
The month that my student loan payments came due, I finally got a job in phone based tech support, which I absolutely despised. I hate talking on the phone and I hated the company, so the only upside was that they were paying me for what I was doing. However, it was enough that I was able to get by for the time being, since I was living with my parents and only had to deal with my loan payments; rent and food were taken care of.
About six months into that job, my three year old sister was diagnosed with brain cancer. The following months, already stressful, became the worst time of my life so far. They were so difficult I had to work half days just so I wouldn't start snapping at the customers calling for assistance. Obviously, this didn't help my financial situation any, and instead of paying off debts I started digging myself deeper. Unfortunately, my dad is my cosigner for my student loans, and he can't afford my payments, so I had to stick with it so we could keep our home.
After over a year of working at that job, I had become so depressed that suicide was a daily consideration for me on my way to work. Every day I would think about what would happen if I were to simply jerk the wheel to the side and ram into that tree, telephone pole, or sink my car into the lake. Fortunately, it wasn't difficult to talk myself out of such drastic action. Since the only reason I wanted to do that was to escape my loan payments, it would be easier to just stop paying my loans. The financial situation for my family would be the same, but without the emotional consequences of my death to go with it. So every day, I went on to work, suffered through another unpleasant day, and returned home. Many days I was in tears during my drive back home.
After over a year of that job and applying for others, I got an interview at a company which would pay enough that I wouldn't have to worry about finances so much anymore. Unfortunately, they decided not to hire me, because they thought I wouldn't enjoy that job as much as game development, so they thought I wouldn't stay more than a couple years. To be fair, they were probably right, but that knowledge doesn't do anything to help my situation.
Not long after that interview process, I got a job at my local Walmart. While not paying as much or providing as many hours as my last job, it wasn't a job that I hated so much I considered suicide just to avoid going to work, and with how much closer it was to home, I was saving enough in gas money as to make it almost equal in net earnings.
However, I was still very depressed. I had no motivation to do anything other than eat, sleep, and play video games. I was very overweight, and only avoided drunkenness out of religious principle and lack of funds. I was intending to talk to my doctor about getting some antidepressants the next time I saw her.
Then, in March of 2012, things changed for me. For a while I had seen pictures on Facebook of ponies. Lots of pictures, some of which were quite amusing. I thought the whole thing was ridiculous, but that month I decided to check out the show for myself. I was determined to either find out for myself why people liked the show so much or find concrete reasons to mock them for liking it. I watched the first episode, and I wanted to see what else happened, so I watched the second part. I enjoyed that first two-parter enough that I watched the next episode, and the next, and before you know it, I had seen every episode that had aired up to that point.
I can't really explain how or why, but after that things changed. I've lost over 40 pounds since then. I've started writing and drawing again, which I hadn't done in a long time. I've started learning to play guitar. While getting ready for work, instead of fighting not to be sick, I sing (usually Brony songs). I still have some bad days, but for the most part I'm not depressed anymore, and I haven't had a single suicidal thought in months. You'll be glad to know that my sister is currently cancer free, and despite the problems that come with being subjected to radiation and chemotherapy at such a young age, is doing very well. I give her one blind bag sized pony every week, and they've become her favorite toys. She's up to 20 (including Gilda) right now. Just seeing the smile on her face when I give her one makes me feel that it is one of the best ways I've ever used my money.
This month marks the 1 year anniversary of my becoming a Brony, and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. As I recently saw someone else post about their 2 year anniversary, even if the fandom dies out someday, I will never forget the huge change this has made in my life.
I just wanted to leave a word of encouragement. Never give up, and never quit going forward. Always look up and forward. You can do it!