3/5/12 · 2:17am Mar 6th, 2012
So... I need some help guys, again. I tried submitting MiM for EQD and let's just say it is waaaaaay off for their taste. Apparently my grammar is worst than I thought. Let's just see what one of the pre-readers sent me shall we?:
"It was a crisp, midsummer morning in Ponyville. Most ponies were setting up shop or walking around, whether it’s to enjoy the cool breeze and rising sun or to buy groceries before the crowds start forming. But there was one particular pony that wasn’t having such a good morning.." / Cliche. The weather report opening is one of the most common openers for stories, and as such isnt exactly exciting or engaging, it doesnt catch the interest or invite readers as well as it could. Perhaps you could consider rewriting it, perhaps something a bit more focused on the plot and the characters within. Also, ellipses have three dots, not two.
"...said Rarity, a white unicorn with a deep blue mane and tail and sapphire eyes, in as a sweet a voice as she could keep." / Blue?
"Be safe, Girls!" / Girls doesnt need to be capitalized.
"...before starting on her new clothing lines for the upcoming Fall and Winter seasons." / Seasons don't need to be capitalized.
"After taking a few steps toward her kitchen, Rarity started feeling slightly dizzy, and she could feel the onset of a headache. Thinking the tea will help, she continued to walk towards the kitchen, using her magic to levitate all the things she’d need to make her drink." / Show, dont tell.
"She finished making her tea then levitated the cup with her upstairs so she could grab her notebook in which she usually kept her ideas and drawings before she decided they were perfect enough to become tangible." / Run-on sentence.
"Rarity then turned to her 5 waiting friends and smiled at them." / In most cases it is better to spell out numbers, this case is no exception.
I cant even properly copy and paste the next example in but when Pinkie first shows up in chapter two, first, the formatting is really messed up and second, Pinkie's dialogue should not be written that way.
"Fluttershy softly asked while looking into Rarity’s sapphire eyes with her one visible, aquamarine one." / Did Fluttershy lose an eye or is one of them simply closed. Either way, something isnt being described.
"Then, all of a sudden, a calm, cool voice spoke from nowhere that made all the ponies jump, except for Fluttershy, who bounded over Rarity’s bed and hid behind it, shivering." / Bound: to move by leaps; leap; jump; spring. How can everypony jump except for Fluttershy when she jumped as well? Also, comma abuse.
"...a pale blue Unicorn Stallion in a lab coat, with a stethoscope draped around his neck, said with a small smile." / See example #3.
"'And I’m,' wait for it... 'PINKIE PIE!!!'" / Why is the "wait for it..." outside of dialogue, is the story itself telling us to wait for Pinkie to announce her name?
"Rarity simply shook her head and thought to herself, 'I was afraid you’d say that.'" / Thoughts are not written in the same way as dialogue.
"On her way out, Rarity glanced at the clock on one of the walls of the waiting room. It glowed, '9:18.'" / If Rarity is just looking at the clock, why is the time written as if it's dialogue. Perhaps Rarity does say it and im mistaken but it's not entirely clear.
"It’s quiet in the boutique, seeing as how Sweetie Belle is spending the weekend with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo." / Tense shifting.
TL;DR I need a lot of help. So anyone willing to help me get this story EQD qualified, I would love it! I promise I'll repay it in any way possible.
A lot of those seemed nit picky, especially the one about blue vs. sapphire. Sapphire is just a more vibrant blue. Anyway... I'd be more than happy to read over the revised version again and tell you what I see. But be warned, I'm anything but an expert at story writing.
25435 I think the blue thing is most people see Rarity's mane as a purple when technically (upon closer inspection) it's a gradient of blue/purple. But sure take a look, I'll accept all criticism so don't worry about being too harsh. And I don't really need like an expert, but more eyes to see any mistakes.
25446 I'll start right away. Besides, it will give me an excuse to read one of my favorite stories all over again!
25449 Well thanks mate
First, against whoever that editor is, direct addresses (Eric, Mark, Dumbass, etc.) are indeed capitalised, because they are directly naming someone. And second, season names are capitalised as well. Tell Mr. Editor that, please.