Fere Antepone Morte · 4:28am Feb 4th, 2013
No, I haven't been financially devastated. Nor have I been socially cast out.
What has happened is that everything has come crashing down in my head. A few days ago I discovered a leak in my house (not a big one, and it was in the roof of another bathroom). I went to bed that night and woke up before my alarm went off. I felt around and everything felt wet. My jacket was soaked as it was raining hard that day and I had used it to keep me dry. But everything else felt like I had dunked it under water. So instead of telling me I was just imagining things, my mind ran the message through my body: I have drowned. Didn't help that after that I continuously had several nightmares and day-mares about actually drowning and being dead.
Just now, on an unrelated note (unrelated to my aforementioned experience stated above), I had a 16 minute, 57 second cry. And it wasn't just a sob. I mean, I literally had to work to stifle it, not that it mattered since everyone heard it. I was bawling my eyes out. The longest cry I'd ever had before was at most seven minutes long, when I was about six or seven years old and my father's best friend died.
I don't want this. Although I don't like to do this, the Human Revolution meme "I never asked for this" accurately describes part of my feelings right now. Really I just want to punch walls, punch people, break things in general. I can't do this. I just can't.
A/N: Strangely enough, this post's title matches the title of the next chapter of Fallen Angels.
794442 Run the title through Google Translate, and you'll see my perspective of the current situation, but yes, I am alive. Whether that be for good or not, I have yet to see. Hopefully, I'll start turning out chapters faster now. We'll just have to see, won't we?
795348 The translator will say it means "Generally Prefer Dying," though I was saying "Almost Prefer Death", so it was pretty close.
Also yeah, I feel like dying. I don't like it. Oh, and it's Latin.
795500 Heh. Bit late to the party if you're telling me not to. Already I've tried several times.
Anyway...Fallen Angels. Hmm. I'll get to it. And, er, I guess I can't off myself now, since I have you wanting more, you greedy person (just kidding).
795944 I've no longer thought about hurting my family. Because frankly, I didn't, apparently. My severest attempt as yet was when I took to the blade and ended up, oddly enough, stabbing two centimeters from my heart. I spent weeks in the hospital while doctors repaired all the damage they could. Wanna know who was by my side literally the entire time? My neighbor. My family visited once and that was to allow the doctors to start a dangerous procedure (they need a yes from another family member due to possible repercussions). That was it. My neighbor, who did have a job to go to, brought in a reclining chair (like the ones for your lawn) and took a week of unpaid vacation (because I wasn't a close relative) to sleep in the same room as me. That says a lot to me, even if most people don't understand that.
Wanna know, on a slightly sadistic note, what's keeping me alive? My music, my writing, and MLP. So yeah. As long as those three things persist, I'm gonna still be here (all my attempts were done before I "discovered" MLP:FiM).
798650 Tell me about it.
Oh, and tell me about the chapter? How I do? I'm a bit out-of-shape, but I wish for I did good on it.
799832 Oh, okay.