A Confession and a Story.

Hey, Chill here, I know it's been a while since I did a blog, but I wanted to confess something. Something I've been struggling with for the past, I don't know, two or three years of my life. It's that I hate myself. And no, it's not the, "haha god, I hate myself" like an edgy teen, it's that I do hate myself. And I've been struggling as to stop hating myself, but I can't find a reason to. I can't find a reason to stop, I can't find a reason to continue, I'm locked in this Schrödinger's like thing where I can't find a reason to stop and can't find a reason to continue. I have a lot of reason why I do hate myself and I'm going to list those reasons at the bottom of this blog, but for now...

...I just wanted to tell you where it all began. You see, I don't have a lot of friends in life or people who I consider friends. I've been going through it so fucking much, man. First thing's first, I do boxing. Yes, I do in fact do boxing. I'm not a pro and I don't do amateur boxing, I do it in a gym that's endorsed by the police. There, there are people around my age that do boxing. Before I was in the gym, I was self-taught, I mostly trained myself but watching Tony Jeffrey videos for four months in my life. I had gloves, but never a bag or equipment, when I got my first bag, I was so excited and started wailing on it immediately. Then, I got the opportunity to go to the gym and the coached were surprised at how much I knew, at how skilled I was. Then, I sparred and did pretty well.

I trained with my partners, got better, got stronger, but there is one thing I could never ever got better at: Seeing. You see, I wear glasses and this year I'm looking into getting contacts. So, for the past year I've been boxing, I've been boxing blind. I know all the basics, the jabs, straights, hooks, the uppercuts, but it all falls apart when I'm in the ring and I can't see my opponent. At the end of the boxing season, there was an elimination tournament where I had to fight a boxer who's been there training WAY longer than me, older than me, more experienced, etcetera. There was someone who I was sparring against who was just a year younger and near my weight, call him Richard, I was fighting his older cousin, call him Caiden. You see, Richard and I sparred for seven consecutive times, and we were bros, we expected to fight in the tournament, but the coaches had him instead fight a person at flyweight instead of lightweight like the rest of us. So, I had to fight Caiden, and if I were to beat him, have to fight another challenger on the same day to win the belt, it would have gone vice versa for Caiden. The other opponent who was on the sidelines, call him Ashley.

I stepped in the ring and the first thing the coaches told me was that they believed in me, I could do it or some mess like that. Throughout the whole fight, I always went forward, pressured him, and kept on fighting. But because of my eyesight, I was taken down by Unanimous Decision. This had me outraged for two reasons. One. I was the most inexperienced person in that gym, and I had to fight the most experienced guy, while blind. Two. They had me fight him first and not Ashley who could see and was in the gym more than me (I joined in at the last quarter). Nevertheless, Caiden won the championship before leaving the gym afterwards. When I left home, I left feeling 'eh'. I felt like I should have fought Richard and not Caiden, Caiden should have fought Ashley and whoever won, would have to fight each other. It seemed unfair and it had me pissed. After that, during the break, I didn't train. I wanted to have time for myself, chill, relax, and have a nice time.

Behind all of this, all of my friends were slowly drifting away from me. Some were beginning to move out of state, and I was going to be alone, my best friend was moving, everyone was leaving me all to myself. I promised all of them that I'd be the champ, only to lose Unanimous Decision. Everyone was just beginning to drift away, my friends were going, and I wanted them to stay, yet I understood why. And so, during the summer, they left, and I went to Texas to spend time with some family. I didn't train during that time because I was just thinking and trying to work on my novel. And guess what, during that whole summer I didn't even complete a single chapter. Before that, my therapist left for Korea since that was his homeland, and it left me with a new therapist I never met. So many changes were happening, flooding my brain and overwhelming me.

And then our identity got stolen. Yup. Our identity got stolen. We had to change everything, change our accounts and delete old ones which means all of the games I progressed on under my name were deleted. Dragon Ball Legends, Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Links, and Subway Surfers to name a few. Even stories on Google Docs under my name; I couldn't save them all. With that all happening, we didn't have money to spend on food, or pay for memberships for the gym. So, a few days without food, a few days without going to the gym... And when I did, I wasn't myself. I changed. Why? Well, I've been fighting demons.

My friends were gone, I still had to write the novel, identity theft, starving for food, self-hatred sparking into life as I began to hate everything about myself every single atom on my body, I hated it all, I despised who I was.

When I finally got back into the gym, it was as if last year I was frozen in time and unfrozen to this year. Everyone progressed, and me? I still couldn't see. There were new additions to the gym, an ex-muay thai fighter, call him Jim, a man of Asian descent, call him Larusso, and finally, the reincarnation of Mike Tyson himself... Call him Tyson. You see, Tyson was the youngest out of all of us, but weight 175-180 pounds. The others were 135 to 150. He was so much better than me, this was his first year in the gym too. Skip pass a couple weeks, it's fight day. Like before, I had to fight two people to become champ. Tyson and then Richard.

I had to fight a man 45 pounds heavier than me and then fight my rival... While blind. Who made this fight? Who made it happen, huh? They KNEW Tyson was heavy, why couldn't he fight the coaches in an exhibition fight, huh?! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE FED TO THE BIG BAD WOLF TO MAKE THEM LOOK GOOD?! The fight started and he HIT me with headshots, BANG, BANG, BANG! Beating the fuck out of me. When I got into the corner, the coaches were yapping on about how I could win, NIGGA THIS BIG BLACK BITCH IS FOURTY FIVE POUNDS HEAVIER THAN ME! And then one of the coaches had the nerve to say 'you okay?' YOU GET YOUR HEAD BEAT IN AND TELL ME IF YOU FEEL GOOD! What's even more aggravating is that the coach went to Tyson and told him to 'head hunt' because I can't see. he said 'just keep hitting him on the head, you know he can't see, he can't dodge it, he can't block it' I only know this because my family was recording the fight!

THEY SET ME UP FOR FUCKING FAILURE! THEY SET ME UP! THEY SET ME UP! THEY SET ME UP! THEY SET ME UP! THEY SET ME UP! THEY SET ME UP! THEY SET ME UP! THEY SET ME UP! I'M STILL HEATED TILL THIS DAY! TILL THIS DAY! After the fight, I was diagnosed with a concussion and was out of commission for two weeks, it was a good thing the season ended because I was reduced to a fucking mauled lamb. I was a lamb to the slaughter, huh, Coach John? You wanted to feed me to the wolf to make them hungry enough to obliterate my rival who was MY WEIGHT! Me and Richard were OBLITERATED by Tyson! And after that, I was carried home. I couldn't write, I couldn't see lights, I couldn't train I couldn't do anything!

Like how I couldn't do anything in that fight! I'm such a fucking retard, if I had trained, maybe something differen't would have happened, if I wasn';t such a fiucking failure then I would have gotten contacts, but no, this fucking HALF-BREED OF AN IDIOT WENT RIGHT INTO THE FRAY AND GOT COOKED FOR IT! Why can't I fucking think? Why can't I do anythibg in my life? I'm not doing anything productive in fucking society, I should give up on my dreams, fuck writng, fuck boxing, and go into the military, OH WAIT! I can't! Too flat footed and retarded for that, huh! Can't even be fucking body shield as I get pelted full of fucking bullets! I am worthless dude, I should have never been born then maybe my momma wouldn't have another mouth to feed, huh? Wouldn't have to worry about her baby boy becoming a fucking vegetable!

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO AGAINST FUCKING TYSON, HUH?! HUH, COACH JOHN?! "HEAD HUNT HIM, GO AHEAD, YEAH, HEAD HUNT HIM! CRIPPLE THIS NIGGA, HIT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WHY DON'TCHA?!"

GOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD FUCK THAT!

Here's a fucking list of reasons, bear fucking witness.

1. The way I stand
2. The way I walk
3. The way I talk
4. The way I run
5. My work ethic
6. My skin color
7. My self control
8. My laziness
9. The way I act
10. The way I try and be funny but I'm fucking not
11. My commitment
12. The fact I haven't wrotten a novel
13. The fact I bnever finish any of my works
14. The fact that I'm a fucking loser and can't box fpor shit
15. MY FUCKING EYESIGHT!
16. How much I eat
17. How I am and how I act
18. My fear of butterflies
19. Think [problems can be solved by running away
20. My idiocy
21. My mental disability
22. The way I get stuck ont hings and quote them so much
23. How i have too nany projects to focus on one

And most of all!

The main reason why I hate myself is because I'm ME!

Comments

[JNKing]

...For what it's worth, even though I don't know you - even though my pain is different from yours - there's a strange comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

And while it may not help you to know you're not alone... you're not.

Every day I wake up, I have to make a choice not to give up.

This morning, I chose not to give up.

I hope you do too.