My Mother's Going Into Hospice · 11:47pm Jun 9th, 2023
Life update. Sharing this sort of thing on here seems strange to me. Not that I haven’t shared this sort of thing before, but I’ve been away from the site and writing for this fandom for so long and generally not writing blogs that it just surprises me. But here I am, drafting it. Whether I post it, I haven’t decided.
My mother and have not had a good relationship. As a parent, she was...awful, to say the least. She has also not been in very good health. Disabilities and other problems, even dialysis. But it’s not dialysis that’s the issue. It’s an infection. How she got it, I don’t really know. No one can, it’s one of those things you can only speculate, but ultimately never confirm, and it doesn’t really matter.
It’s in her blood, and it’s not getting better, and the hospital is talking about Hospice. Is that even a proper noun? Do I capitalize it? I don’t know. This is what my brain is driven to as I type. She’s not even 70. She would be this year, but her birthday’s still a ways away.
Even still, despite all the horrible, I find myself crying. She’s still my mom, for what little degree that may count, and a part of me still feels the desire to cry. Another part of me worries about how things will go forward financially, or personally. Cleaning up, taking care of the dog. I can’t give the dog away. My heart would break at the sadness I’d inflict on her. The dog, I mean.
I don’t deal with death well, I think. Maybe I already said that when I wrote about when my last dog died in 2018. It’s funny. Well, no, it’s not. I was picking away at Aces High chapter 4 when I got the call, the very long call, telling me the news.
So, yeah, things may slow down. Between the emotions and arrangements and cleaning things up and everything else I need and want to do, because I didn’t have a lot of other things I’d wanted to do, the chapter will probably take longer. Not that it was on a set schedule or anything. I don’t know why I mentioned it. Venting, I suppose. Slowly letting it sink in through repetition.
