Kyle & Lucy — Chapter 5 [Rewrite] 🐱😈 · 4:25pm Feb 22nd, 2023
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
There was no better feeling than knowing that someone is watching over you. That safe, warm, welcoming sense that no matter where one is in the world, a looming force was always there to be a reminder that no one is truly alone. I experienced this feeling the following morning…
“Do you know that you purr in your sleep?”
It was just creepier than I expected.
“You looked so peaceful,” Lucy ruffled my frazzled head, hovering steadily over my bed. “Sleep well? Any interesting nightmares?”
As relaxing as mornings are, I could barely think straight during them. Without my juice, I was a wreck, and I didn’t want that girl to see me in such a mess.
“Aww, don’t be like that, kitty,” she cooed as I hid my face under the sheets. “It’s time to get up. Come on, who’s a good kitty? Who’s a good kitty?”
What kind of trick is this? I thought, peeking out of the covers. I was a good kitty—at least, I hoped so—but I didn’t think I needed to confirm it.
“It’s you! You are!”
Nonetheless, Lucy made a solid argument, so I took my hoodie and flopped out of bed as she floated by on all sides to keep me on my feet.
“Breakfast, children!” we heard Gram bark.
“Yum!” the demon cheered, darting down the ladder.
“Let’s go, kitty! Look alive!”
The idea of me “looking alive” was rather debatable, but passing on breakfast was and always shall be a crime against the universe, so I pushed on until that crazy creature came back to pick me up off my face.
“Sorry, kitten!”
Downstairs, the smells of the daring, doughy deliciousness of an Eating with Eggish cookbook recipe lured us into the kitchen. Mounds of hardcover books were strewn across the counters, droplets of rich milk chocolate staining the floor around Gram as she hunched over the oven wearing a welder’s mask.
“Good morning, you two,” she chimed, flipping the headgear off. “I took the chance to whip up some melted iron with a side of chocolate copper crullers for you, Lucy.”
“Thank you!” the girl squeaked, giving the floor and I more alone time.
“Juice, young cub?”
I clambered up the stool next to Lucy. Held between her claws was a piping plate of cruller-shaped hunks of copper coated in chocolate, paired with a steaming glass of the dark liquid metal served in one of Gram’s stronger cups. As I lazily clawed at the air, the nurturing pug hauled a long thick wire from a cabinet under the sink. I sighed in relief when she clamped it to my ear, stomping the floor until a low whirring rang out from the basement. Surges of electricity spread down my arms; my crusted eyes popped open, the sassy curl in my tail returned, my stitches tightened up, and my frazzles got their dazzles back.
“Thank you, Milton dear!” Gram hollered, unhooking me.
“Interesting,” Lucy said, sipping her liquid metal. “I thought you were going to give him milk or something.”
“Oh, no, milk doesn’t sit well for my little mammal. He’s one in a million—”
CLANG!
“Kyle, hon, put it back. Those are for Lucy.”
I made a face, spitting the hard dessert onto the counter. I didn’t want no crummy cruller anyway, but it amazed me how Lucy just… bit into them. Like an apple.
“This is wonderful!” she muttered, spinning in her seat. “If I conquer anything, I’ll be sure to promote you to head evil chef!”
“What an offer!” Gram chuckled. “Kyle, why don’t you show our guest around town?”
“Yes, ma’am.” I signed, stuffing my cheeks with berry straws from the fruit bowl.
As we slid off our stools, Gram tugged at my sleeve and handed me a medium-sized pouch full of coins.
“Try not to get into trouble now,” she smiled. “And be back before dark.”
“No worries,” Lucy flashed a shiny black sphere. “I have all the answers with this treasure. Oh, mighty ball of eights, I wish to speak with you. Will there be any trouble today?”
I looked over as she gave the toy a groovy shake. Within its inky depths, a plastic piece levitated into view.
30-Day Free Trial Expired, it read.
“Ugh!” the demon grunted, tossing the item in the trash bin by the front counter. “I never trusted those things. Let’s wing it!”
Stuffing the pouch into my hoodie’s pocket, I gave my mama a quick hug and led my company out into the breezy air of the Bay. I had to admit, I admired Lucy’s thirst for life. To spend most of your days underground, I figured must have been very limited; she seemed upbeat about it regardless. Still, while that girl plopped atop my shoulders and enthusiastically yanked at my ears, I felt the strong urge to show her what the surface world had to offer. Right out of the gate, one of the world’s oddest features greeted us: exaggerated yawning. I understood letting it all out privately, but it sounded like the entire block had a serious case of the yawns on full blast. It was as if they were all… screaming.
Oh, wait.
Yeah, to say her first impression in town had a rocky start would be an understatement. On our simple stroll down the shopping center alone, her mere presence threw everyone’s day upside down; she nearly choked poor Ahana with a copper cruller, scared the leaves off Burk, and I think—in the middle of the chaos—I became a monkey’s uncle. Nice kid, by the way.
It was mind-blowing seeing most of the town in such a stir. I didn’t see how a demon clinging to a child’s head while carrying the biggest sharp-toothed grin on her face was a cause for alarm. Many assumed she was casting some diabolical incantation, but I think she was just being a goofball.
“Gambare, Gambare, kitty!” she’d chant, pulling me around.
Lucy pretty much accomplished what she claimed to have been sent there for, but she appeared more confused than pleased the further we went. The streets were nearly empty, with hundreds of eyes watching us through closed curtains or behind shaded corners. However, my peculiar companion’s curious behavior turned into pure enchantment once we entered the empty marketplace of Prairie Plaza. The crisp, ripe, and juicy produce huddled together in woven wicker baskets around the lumbered stands of Through the Root made her heart sing. The aquamarine glow of Hunky Dory’s fish-filled pyramid stack of glass aquariums made her eyes sparkle. Even the fresh soufflés of the ceramic-domed Bread Zeppelin stand rose to the occasion, only to collapse at the sight of the beaming girl. Stand after stand, she’d gasp and point at everything like a toddler in a toy store while I had to pay for all the food that she “sampled” without a second thought. I just had to keep her away from the cucumber section.
I don’t know why, but something about those green abominations always made me uncomfortable.
Closer to the heart of the plaza, the looping water of the wide marble fountain towering among the surrounding stores was the only sound gracing the area aside from Lucy’s noisy gobbling. As she prepared to partake in the selection of dry cereals from a dairy vendor—Like No Udder—a hollow THUNK shook the rustic tin establishment. Out from under the metal counter rose a burly blonde cow in a frilly baby blue dress, Bo, shakily aiming a crooked spoon at the girl.
“Keep on and you’ll get the spoon, ya wee devil!” she snorted in a thick accent, clutching the tool between her meaty charcoal hooves.
“Ooh, thank you!” Lucy hummed, taking the utensil to devour clumps of corn flakes. “I need to brush up on my cereal killing, and I’m sick of eating Kicks."
For a fleeting moment, I started thinking if I was in more trouble than I imagined; Bo—professional ginger ale drinker, heavy lifter, and fighter of bulls—in absolute terror. The cocky smirk I’d normally see on her chiseled cheeks was nonexistent. From the way the wavy puffball of hair covering her eyes deflated, to her fleshy pink snout shriveling like a raisin. Nevertheless, I grabbed the cow’s attention, patting my gluttonous guest’s back.
“Kyle, lad,” she breathed. “You’re with this creature?”
I nodded.
“Mm, I’m Lucy,” the girl muffled with a swish of her tail. “I love these crunchy bits. It’s like I’m eating teeny weeny bones!”
Tossing a few coins on the counter, I watched as Bo’s spooked appearance eased.
“Well… if she’s all right with you, then I don’t see a reason to act a maggot about it. Top o’ the morning to ya, lass! Name’s Bo—”
A monstrous belch popped to the surface of the flakes like a bubble.
Bo erupted into a hearty laugh. “Ha! And I thought me own appetite was beastly!”
“It’s delicious!”
“I like this one already, boy-o. She’s a gas.”
“Mm, thanks! You’re a fine cut of beef yourself, Bo!”
“Um… thanks a million?”
Suddenly, a faint clicking rhythmically tapped the stone pavement by the roadway leading out of the plaza. Approaching us was a tall, delicate young adult sloth; her golden fur draped down her hunched, lanky body like a dress. Fashioning a pair of pitch-black glasses, she patted the ground with a wooden cane, aimlessly feeling the air.
“It’s quieter here than usual,” she uttered, a slight giggle in her voice. “Is there anyone around?”
“Over here, Rose!” Bo said, thumping a hoof.
“Morning, Bo,” the sloth cooed, elegantly following the commotion until she reached us. “What’s going on here?”
“We have a newcomer, it appears.”
“Oh? What fun! Where are they?”
Rose poked around, reaching to ruffle my hair after prodding my nose. “Oops! Namaste, Kyle.”
I guided her three-fingered paw over the flake-covered girl as she finally showed mercy to the cereal crate.
“Ah! Now, let’s have a look at you, my child.”
Lucy snickered while the gentle mammal squished and tickled her cheeks.
“What’s your name, flower?”
“Lucy. Lucy Scaldor.”
“Such a beautiful name! We usually celebrate when a new seed enters our garden. Is the weather looking unhappy today?”
“No, everyone is acting silly. It’s like they haven’t seen a demon before.”
“A demon, you say. Well, this simply won’t do.”
With a puckered brow and a graceful claw, Rose grasped Lucy’s hand and slowly fumbled her way toward the splashing fountain. I looked on helplessly until the hairy hippie retrieved a prickly blue seashell from her fanny pack. There, she blew a shrill roar at its tip that attracted the startled shop owners and townsfolk from their hidey holes.
“For shame!” the sloth howled. “I didn’t grow this haven for all just for my people to flee from any of Ela’s children—no matter where they come from!”
A bewildered Lucy watched as our leader expertly crafted a humble sunflower tiara, proudly resting it crooked upon her silky pink locks.
“Remember this sanctuary as an endless garden!” Rose continued. “A garden whose doors never close, one that knows not of the term ‘weeds.’ Lucy Scaldor, our sister from another mister, you are now one of us. Rejoice, for you are blessed.”
Lucy snorted playfully. “Don’t tell my dad. He would have a heart attack.”
I couldn’t imagine someone like Rose disposing of my new friend in such a harsh way. Our caring founder made it her life’s mission to bring anyone and everyone together; from turning natural enemies into gym partners, to connecting opposing habitats, to setting cats and dogs up on blind dates—with a complete lack of hysteria, might I add.
After a moment, it seemed like that serene sloth’s words got to everyone’s heads. Many still took cautious steps with skeptical glances anywhere near my greedy guest, but I was just glad that no one came at us with pitchforks. People were slowly returning to their usual paces in the Bay. Rose waved all these smooth gems around Lucy—to “un-harsh” the girl’s good mojo, or whatever—before sending us on our way.
Having spent enough already, I wanted to save what was left of the money for some frozen fruit pops at Pedro’s on Frigid Acres and had to get this girl out of there before—
CRASH!
She broke a tank of piranhas at Dory’s.
“I got it!” the devil squealed, moving to collect the biters. “I’ll name you Percival, you’ll be Painkiller, you’ll be Pain Giver, and you’ll be li’l Precious!”
I didn’t want another pet gnawing at me, so I paid for the mess and pushed Lucy onward. Cliff was enough of a handful with him chewing my clothes up.
XD, tons of references here.
Finding Nemo, Don't Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro, Frankenstein...
The 8 ball gag was really funny, I also loved the piranha joke with Lucy. I get a Zootopia / Nightmare before Christmas vibes from this, Nightmare Before The Zoo.
5714778
I imagine Lucy having an anime flare to her, XD
I think Rose is my favorite now
I hope you don't mind, but I'm mixing my thoughts here for both 4 & 5. The character interactions on display here is absolutely lovely. In a short amount of time, your two characters simply hit it off beautifully with each other. The chemistry between them is straight to the point and full of vibrant life. You want to learn about the demon and her backstory so much more, yet the background characters are just as well written too.
Gram is such a wonderfully enchanting character, I love reading her lines and hope to see more. This introduction has been great, I'm loving the down to earth feeling of the story, it calms and promotes peace to the reader. Well done, thank you for sharing.
5716139
Means a great deal, thank you 😊
I'm so proud of you, Kobe! Your writing overall feels a lot more tight and focused. But you've kept the heart and soul of the world, it's still charming and written in a more composed manner.
5718750
Always making me feel like I have worth 💕
5718752
You always have and will!
Two very interesting characters introduced, each our main characters. The interactions with each other and the world around them, it's fun and very cute. But if I had to toss in some constructive criticism, for a fantasy story the pacing is starting to drag a little. Five chapters in and we still are just sorta living in the moment, fantasy stories usually have a more adventurous spirit, but here it is more a less a slice of life, with a fantastical skin.
You might start to lose readers expecting the fantastical, with such a slow burn.
You've hinted at a bigger picture, but have yet to really delve into it?
I'd say, fuse the chapters into like two bigger chapters. Instead of 5 smaller chapters.
This way the readers don't feel like 5 chapters have passed and it's still introducing stuff, you have two large chapters to introduce the world and players, maybe kick things into gear on three and boom, you fix the pace!
Light trimming can do alot.
5722060
I combined chapters 4 and 5 on Word
A very fun read and the ball of eights had me cracking up.
Lucy is such a cutie! You have given her so much life and zest!