2 left! (mental health update?)

I'll try to be finished with VOL. 1 by spring of the new year (no promises). Three years on this site and I still haven't gotten past the first batch? Firstly, I'll adress that I moved up the last fic to be in VOL.2. So, yes, I'm taking a long hiatus afterwards. Maybe like... five months away from Fimfic? That'd be nice. Here's hoping 2023 will be kind to me. I have given up on trying to be noticed... finally. After seeing that my Jinglemas fic had been ignored— well— yeah that was the needle to pop thy balloon.

I'm writing for myself now. I'd be quite... surprised if anyone new finds me in this small corner of the internet. Feeling a lot better now regardless of the familiar sight of me with a vape or buzzball in hand. My transformation in a nutshell: [2020] Yayy! I am inspired by many pony Youtube narrators, I will write a fic and be adored and— [2021] wow, it takes a lot of effort to get there... I am second guessing this. [2022] yeahh I'm not— nope. Too ambitious.

So, I learned my lesson. I think? I've hurt myself trying to be like them. The amazing people who make it on featured regularly... The well known— actually, I think I was just jealous of those who had a proof/prereader with stellar cover art looking back. Uhm I think my new years resolution is just the bare minimum and better myself. No goals like reaching a certain amount of followers or trying to gain attention... I want to do this for me. And I don't think that's selfish. At least just this one thing and here's why.

If I want to read a story that will piss me off and upset me, I have TIAT. If I want to read a fic about an underdog fighting against all ods and learning everything isn't about her, I have CUPID. If I want to read a fic involving two characters who both want to meet the same pony but on different stances, I have a fic for that. An experimental horror story involving a threat left up to my imagination? yes. A look into why parasocial relationships are terrifying? You- me- hey, silly. It's done! Two adorable Kirins not realizing they are in love with eachother spanning the course of a lifetime? mhm! My last horror fic? Just— that in general has a unique concept. Sooth Them? Zombies? Hells yes! As of now, Paul hasn't read it but I think I've made myself laugh, cry, scream— every emotion left me while reading and I am proud of myself for writing the stories I wish were on here. My last two initially disappointed me due to the lack of love they were given... but I like them. I mean— King Sombra and Quibble Pants? Geez! Who else would've thought of that? No, the person I wrote the Jinglemas fic for hasn't acknowledged it. But that's ok! I wrote something I was satisfied in making and it was what they've asked for. I took a simple prompt and made it a story about someone coping with the loss of a loved one.

You see, I'm in a few Discord servers and I made pony author friends. I have complained about feeling as if they brush off my work every time I share it... And, yes, nobody cares but... I do. I'll try to share my stories with them and if I get shot down— well— we walk over diamonds in Minecraft without knowing, right? I am in no way saying whatever I make is perfect or whatever, I am simply telling myself that the fics I write can be seen as something more than just walls of texts. And that's what they almost appeared to me as. Hours of sleep missed to write a story only for it to go unnoticed? It's ok. It's what my mentally traumatized and broken mind came up with and I will try not to beat myself up for being invisible.

Mental health update: I'm fine. I still need to warm up to entering speed writing competitions again... or quick writes in general. I can't get better if all I see are criticisms of my writing style in general instead of elements that didn't work well.

How does one end a blog? I dunno— uhm— cookie 🍪