don't read this! it's a stupid vent...

everything is just going wrong for me today. relapsing with the isolation again— deleted some chats with many friends/acquaintances because I am still struggling mentally. Discord, for example, is one of those apps where I find myself surrounded by people. I both love and hate attention. It's good to feel wanted but if I get too much— I need to be talked to. I try sparking up conversations but it's eventually give up. I sense people watching me reach out for a chat but ignore me— this is upsetting. As fate would have it, once I started having.... thoughts. I saw this Youtube video about a man who traveled to country with the highest suicide rate. He made and friend there and the local started to talk about struggling with depression and loneliness. The advice he gave was to just... talk. Talk about good things, bad things, in between things— so now I'm here as intrusive thoughts continue to attack me, writing this down. But why on Fimfic? I think it's a little comforting to me that my thoughts are public but very few people would read it. This feels like a middle ground of being alone? If that makes any sense? I stopped making sense long ago, anyway. I'll be ok. I just want my suffering to mean something until I give up making art and writing silly things. You know it's bad when I stopped lookikng both ways before crossing the street. No, I'm not going to... end it... but I do find it amusing to flirt with death.

Well— it's sort of similar to me wanting to be alone. I want someone to be there and talk to me but I can only put so much effort into that before I decide to isolate. Likewise, I want to live and continue to make pieces of art but I'm surrounded by prescribed pills and all that jazz. Lately, I've been having abdomen and gallbladder pains... and I'm actively encouraging unhealthy habits that can make things worse. I can't leave this blog off of that note— There's two contests coming up that I'm participating in. Accidentally blurted out the fact I'm hoping to get noticed in one of the comment sections. I've mentioned before the reason I'm trying to push myself out of obscurity is because... I am limiting my stories on here to 33 fics. You'd be surprised how small of a number that is. That is 33 stories with my name on it in a sea of countless other stories that are being added by the day. I'm treating it like a death— of some sort. I was told to stop disliking my own stories because it messes with something relating to the stories or other but I won't stop. It feeds my self doubt. I've deleted my other vent blog posts in the past but I'm going to keep this one on here. I don't know why.

Comments

[SapphireRose87]

If you need someone to talk to you feel free to message me. I'm always willing to lend a listening ear to a friend.