Nightmare Moon survives the Elements' power and takes Twilight as her prisoner. Now, the alicorn queen must establish her monarchy and defend her rightful place as queen against those that oppose her.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Woooooooooow new chapter, I like how Night Mare has finally opened up to Twi makes me feel fuzzy inside but can not wait for more Rainbow Dash action so much to look forward and even better more walls-o-text to eagerly await. Seriously I come here partly for those things, they're like the sprinkles on my chocolate sunday.
frist of 'yay new chapter and welcome back'
second great chapter can not wait for the rest
Looks like Twilight and Nightmare missed the most exploitable aspect of the treaty. Neither of them are very familiar with current affairs outside of Equestria, so they don't know how many enemies the minotaurs might have that they just signed up to fight! Plus, even if they don't have any enemies now... well, that's what incompetent diplomats are for!
Hard to believe it's chapter 30 already. Keep up the great work.
273846
Yes, but for some reason I suspect that the minotaurs are not prone to having others declare war on them which would help make the treaty less troublesome. Besides, Queeny plans on world domination, which would greatly cut down on the number of issues with that part of the agreement.
Gah!! The adorable at the end there is too much!!
It's cool that you took your time, I know how you feel (my mate gave me ANOTHER free month in eve, and then I want to get back into DDO and the new MechWarrior game coming out later this year). I should probably stop reading fanfics and get some sleep cause I have uni in the morning and mum will FLIP if I miss my second lecture of the year...
Oh and before I forget, congratulations on breaking the 150000 word milestone. Maybe you should get this paperbacked. I'd buy it (and I'm poor)!!
Oh and before I forget... Again...
Adorable Twi is adorable XD
273954 You're going to be in for quite the ride there, my good sir or madame.
273948 I've been thinking about it. Not sure though. I have been printing each chapter already for my G-ma so that wouldn't be too much of an issue.
273869 Will do
273597 Rainbow will hafta wait. She has training to do. And Iknowthatfeelbro.png. I always look forward to the walls.
273869>>273650 Thankee
What's going to happen next?! When will it update?! Why isn't rainbow getting ravished by all the other recruits?!
273999
Are you sure Rainbow will be the one to be ravished and not do the revishing?
Really it seems more likely we will be given a view from her perspective of what kind of prepping the Equestrian forces will get for the war.
Wooo! and D'aaawwww!
That is all.
274008 Maybe one on one, but she is on a flying ship with many many others. They could gang up on her!
Great chapter, Peppy! Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing so amazingly fantastical, only problem is, though, the update speed as of late. SPEED IT UP OR I WILL ASSAULT YOU WITH TWILIGHTANGRY2s!
274031 NOT THE ANGRY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'll be doing my best. The lack of update for this one was mostly due to the competition. Then distractions/work. Should move quicklier though.
Also, on a side note, WTF IS YOUR AVATAR?!
Well the update's have slowed down but the queslity hasn't.....stil no kamehameha I see.
274072 Only temporary slow. Will speed up.
274092 What about the kamehameha?
274214 Yeah, its a double edged sword though as the ponies can't get out of it either.
Did i hear someone call?
Wall-O-Text
Well this is nice we get a bit of development for trya and Tryo, a nice joke about the lack of sound proofing in the bedrooms for the digintaries and some genirel development on the minotuars.
Lord Jahurl continues to impress at every turn, not only with his nature but also with his tyle of leadership. I love how he prefers a more minimalist approach to decorating the royal halls and for the cherry on top the money went to help the needy of his nation. This is the kind of leader that will get his people to follow him through the gates of hell itself and given that he's going to be aiding a nation with a semi slapdash and reluctent military that's going to be vital.
i agree that the written contract was a brillent move. Not only does it prevent the two nations from wroming out of the treaty at a later date it's also a great way to show faith between to nations. While a word of honor means everything especaily in a fantasy setting like this the extra assurence of having a written word as well as a verbal contract shows that trust is a key issue for both parties here that gives them a bit more common ground if you ask me.
The meeting seems to have gone swimmingly for the most part. Though I'll admit i'm shocked that Nightmare was as open as she was about showing her displeasure at Jahurls request to review the contract before signing it. While it's a smart move for him to make he could have worded it better and she should have tried to hide her affrontment some as well. Duiplomancey is a game of subtleties and well both swere being rather overt and open here. Though it was nice to see twilight thinking along those lines after she let her opinion slip. We a bit of grooming she could become quite the asset to her queen outside of her unending loyalty and magical prowers.
Cherry Tart and Moon Beam playing together is ideed DAWW inducing. I also think it will do them both some good in the ong run. For Cherry it will help her beging to readjust to life after the horrible loss of her mother. in Moon beam's case it will allow her a sense of normality to have someone roughly her own age to play with. It will also help distract her some while Twilight and Nightmare are out while she might know they were leaving for a diplomatic meeting that doesn't mean she'll take it well. between nearly loosing Twilight recently and geniral seperation from her parts i can see her being quite stressed by all of this. I can only guess how oever joyed she'll be when Nightmare and Twilight return and when she finds out about how close the two got while they left she'll be over the moon with happyness not only will Twilight probly be more healed from her attack but she'll probly be MOMMY Twilight now instead of AUNTIE Twilight Moon beam might just implode from sheer joy thrice.
Wall-O-Text
Well I've delivered a Wall-O-Text for you all I hope it's up to what ever standerds you all hold these to. Now I ust have to choose work on a new installment of sounding in the dark or keep brainstorming my next chapter of Entwined.
273967 I look forward to it. By the way, I'm a dude.
WOOOT you finally updated. This has got to be my favorite fic on here. Keep up the good work peppy
Oh, I hope that the minotaurs aren't going to betray Queen Moon. I'd so hate for these nice people to be slaughtered.
273970 Oh nice!! Hope that all works out for you!!
In other news: new MechWarrior game in a sexy engine this time!! The excitement is killing me!!
274396If moon beam imploded thrice would she create a black hole of pure adorableness?
I don't know I hadn't thought about the possiblity. I guess it could be possible talk about a weird way to die though killed by a blackhole of pure adorableness.
The war makes me think of Twilight, she didn't fight much in the last one, with her changing and soul links with Nightmare Moon, I hope she fights in this one, with her new powers since she hasn't really used them yet.
hmmm minotaurs (or at least jahurl) fear magic...i sense a checkhovs gun.
And yay more development with cherry!
has anypony made fanart of moonbeam yet?
275300 They also haven't learned any of the lunar magic yet. All they know is how to call upon it. They can't direct it to do anything yet. Although, I'm sure Twi could figure it out on her own.
276602 Nope
278075 Because it's tough for the human mind to ignore the bad associations of words. But ya, shame on you for not commenting. That's like, one of the 15 evil sins of deathly doom or something.
274039 Oh... that... it's from SpongeBob. Y'know, the one where he makes the Sundae on Sunday and then has 'Rancid Breath'. The theater scene. Full sized:
images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/15500000/Epic-Face-random-15501212-1024-768.jpg
On topic of story: SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE FANART OF MOONBEAM!
Peppy. I award you +5 Internet points. You totally called Minotaurs being in Friendship is Magic, weeks before the latest episode revealed it.
Fun chapter by the way. I look forward to the next, which reminds me, I need to work on the next chapter of the assassins' story.
279317 HAH! Win!
278688 Ahhh. Don't watch spongebob. I can tell now though. And yes. We do need some moonie fan art
278744 Uhhhh. Not sure. I just do the [img/img] thing and put in the url. They also have a button for that which will make it easier
Seeing the HUB video with the latest MLP FIM episode sneak peak, I thought this was really a brilliant coincidence. So there ARE minotaurs in Equestria after all...
Am wondering if Iron Will would make an appearance in your novel.
Not a bad concept. Though, I have to wonder. Did you happen to read a story called What Could Have Been? Written back in August for my Equestria Daily post? I've gotten through Chapter 2 so far and I'm noticing several parallels. I'll hold onto my judgements when I'm done, since I'm not accusing you of anything yet.
What Could Have Been is the same concept and part of a Trilogy of stories. While not my best work, I mean to rewrite it as when I did I was suffering from a massive writer's block
283784 I have not. I haven't read a lot of stories from EQD and most of the ones I have read are complete. (I don't like to read incomplete EQD stories cause they often times are never updated and if they do it's hard to track them.) Sounds interesting though if its similar to this.
Edit: Hmmm. It is similar, but there are quite a few differences. Our stories deviate quite a bit after just the first chapter. I haven't read it all cause I need to be writing, but I was able to get through at least 3/4 of it.
As per your first comment asking not to be gentle, I won't be.
I've read through several of the chapters so far and here is my diagnosis, with the bad first:
1. Plagiarism is wrong. When you write a story and wish to take things from other writers' stories, ask them first. I have a list of things taken from my story and I highly disapprove. Ask next time.
2. When writing, Show don't tell. All of your chapters consist entirely of passive writing. Stay away from is, are, were, was, has, and had. Those are bad words to use in anything that isn't talking or thinking.
3. You repeatedly make new indented paragraphs in the middle of sentences, fix this.
4. You do an immense amount of padding, which is made worse by the passive writing. You detail things that don't need it, and don't do it with things that do.
5. When writing stories based on pictures, check to see if there are any stories also influenced by those same pictures. Learn from them.
Now, the good:
1. Outside of the plagiarism, it's a good concept and you're taking it in an interesting direction.
2. This is your first story, keep at it and remember what I advised above.
3. Get another editor or two, it'll really help to have multiple people who write differently. One may even teach you how to Show, not tell.
I just recently uploaded all my stories to FiMFiction from my post on Equestria Daily. If you really want to know, Solar Flare was written back in June and July. What Could Have Been was done in August, and Deep Dark, the one still in progress, is from September until now. So, no, I'm not pulling things out of my ass. Also? What Could Have Been has been Completed for a very long time, to answer your comment.
One last thing, flesh and muscle are the same thing. You often act like they are two different things.
imgur.com/KdvEY
Wtf? Where the hell did that come from.
283864 The comment above this is a pic of random word not actually in the comments, but on the page. Dunno why it isn't showing up, but it's not directed at you. Now, on to the reply. I didn't steal your work. I'll say so now. I don't read many EQD fics as said before and considering you posted those within the past month here, I couldn't have read them here and stolen the idea considering I've been writing this since some time before thanksgiving (not entirely sure when, but I know it was before then.) I also did not base this off this pic up there. I found that pic sometime around chapter 5 or 6 and changed it from the original pic I had uploaded. Thanks for the compliments though. I've got two great editors. The issues with the mid-sentence breaking is my old .doc reader's fault. Whenever the page would break it'd create a new paragraph even if it was in the middle of the sentence. I'll go back and fix that. Again. I thought I got them all. As far as the completion thing, I couldn't find it on EQD when I looked, but I checked it out here. I believe ya when ya said it was written in August. If I think of anything else I'll try and edit. So far it isn't letting me do shit to my comments so whatevs.
Ah, nevermind. I found it. Should have guessed it would be under the original story's name rather than haven or what could have been
283935
I see. Either way, you have to be careful. The reason I called shenanigans is because several of the things in your story hit very close to what I wrote. The way NMM transported Twilight in her mane; the horn inhibitor, as I called it; the way NMM and Twilight took over her room in Canterlot; the whole way NMM said that even she has some mercy, which I feel was almost word for word as I had said it. I'd have to look up the exact part in my story. If it had been one or two things, I wouldn't have cared after my alarm bells had sounded off, but after a few, that was my first comment. After several, I started to truly wonder. That wasn't the full list.
Now, about the editors, editors do more than just correct typos and such. I have four, myself. Two are full time, one comes in whenever he can, and the fourth, my new one, is a guy who teaches speech writing classes, so he's extremely good at cutting all the crap out of writing and giving fully-fleshed sentences rather than fat and padding. Find somebody who can do the same for you, you'll learn fairly quickly and your writing will greatly improve. Your story will flow easier, and it'll be much better on a reader's eyes. I love reading, but a problem I have is that I find myself skimming more than reading, which, for me, shows the writing can be better. Avoid repeating words, especially verbs. Keep at it, you'll get better, but you have to work to get better to go anywhere.
Now, outside all that, I have no hard feelings toward you, but I'm pretty wary. I do a lot of writing, especially to outside stimuli like music and pictures. That picture you use? That's what helped influence What Could Have Been, and is a personal favorite of mine. I have two stories being written this weekend based on music.
283981 Interesting. The horn inhibitor isn't a new concept. If you want to enslave something that uses magic, cut out their ability to use it. The thing with transportation was given to me by the show. If she can move herself with her mane, why can't she move others. I also added a tidbit in there to show that only one thing can be moved that way. Nightmare murdered several ponies in Celestia's room (which she would have taken as her own had she not) thus making it a rather inhospitable place. Otherwise, the palace is pretty much only for public show as I have it depicted, so Twilight's room was the only other option, as far as decent rooms go, considering she stayed in the palace. And, honestly, would you expect the NMM of my story to just let her pet sleep in the same bed as her? Maybe in a more lighthearted fic, but Nightmare is, after all, a tyrant. I can definitely see that similarity being obvious alongside the horn ring. I don't remember reading the mercy thing. I'll have to read over yours again, but anything that I write that the characters themselves say is what I'd expect them to say in the show if it were less for children. Now the pet training thing (not something you touched on, but another thing that'd be obvious.) You train a pet by rewarding them for good deeds and punishing them for doing improperly, so that's kind of hard to deviate from.
As said before, I never meant for any similarities between our stories and, if you read further, it definitely changes after the first few chapters.
284019
Actually, I mentioned nothing about the way NMM transported, just the way she carried Twilight within her mane. I never mentioned anything about Twilight sleeping in the same bed as NMM, either, nor about the training. Now, about the Mercy thing, I write about Nightmare Moon in all my stories, so I know at some point, possibly in Solar Flare, I had her say something along the lines of of the mercy quote.
Now, about your last line, yes, I pointed that out. I said it was an interesting concept. Just something you need to work on with your writing.
284911 The carry in the mane thing. I was explaining why I used it. The sleeping in the same bed thing. Your nightmare had her sleep in the corner on cushions or something iirc. Or something like that. And I wasn't arguing just in case you thought I was. Just explaining
You're an author I look up to
Really enjoying this! The reason I can't come up with huge in-depth wall of text comments is because I've never been really picky with plot-lines with stuff lol. It's smooth, I understand what's going on, enjoyable.
286974 Hah! quillsaga, the one that wrote the awesome as the sun Curls, looks up to me. Excuse me while I fanboy squeal over in the corner.
Got rid of the derped comments cause they were bothering my (only the ones that didn't have text, so don't worry. I won't delete your comments even if they may agitate or otherwise make me sadface.) Unless you just spam hate comments like that one guy way back when.
This story is so awesome
reason for all the blankflanked comments as becouse of a derp in the system a few days ago forcing everypony to go .
anyway its fixed so you'll get your happie lil good comments now till somthing similar happens.
yay cant wait till the next chapter comes out i love the refrences and similarities between your story and dragryphons but that ends there dragryphon has his story sat all his own and yours has a lovely concept that keeps begging for more, also if i may make a few things visible that have become clear in my mind about this story.
1 twilight is probably the only force in equestria strong enough to take on nmm directly but since twilight is now her lover rather than enemy we have a force strong enough to break any stailmate between kingdoms should be prowd i wonder how she's doing?
2 does lunar magic include runestones or is that strictly EOP?
3 moonbeam is beond cute i wonder who will get a heart attack first from her antics gilda or RD.
4 i think the elements of harmony are officially broken now thanks to nightmare moons actions and a certain bookish unicorns oh whell
5 anywai i hope they wold be able to bring back celestia without anr repercussions i really feel sorry fr her and NMM.
6 i wonder will dash be able to sneak information back ot her friends in ponyville and maby they could speak with twilight and even figure out the truth
about silent brook and the situation and hopefully maby even become if not friends then atleast nutral with NMM and her consort?
7 minotaures are awsome allies to have but they are a little bone headed.
8 i think NMM is gonna become intune with her 3 elements thanks to twilight yay 1ST shees good with magic é 2ND shees bluntly honest ænd 3RD she's prooving extreeme loyalty to her allies just by rezurecting and reviving twilight sparkle against deaths wishes.
eh thats all i have to say for nowhope i didnt say anyting to offend or add any spoilers and whatnot hope ya like this garble ò nonsence and hope ya have a nice day o and one more thing hope to see the next chapter soon anyway till then she who must not be named shall walk me out kindly.