Update: I'm gonna keep pursuing a Windows fix, but... · 11:49pm Jul 12th, 2013
...It looks like Windows is utterly fucked. I can still get a Useable computer, though with much less stuff. I just have to install Linux (Likely Ubuntu). The much less stuff part comes from the fact that the current fix is one from the OEM and involves saving all changes since the last full backup, formatting the drive, reinstalling windows, and adding the changes back. All well and good, except it's spent the last 15 hours stuck at 1%. If this fails I'm out of options, and will go with Linux