A man robbed a grocery store on the shoulders of two vampires.

He was arrested for shoplifting on two counts.

I showed up to my exam half an hour early. I don't even know why. Now I'm bored stupid and surrounded by younger students. -_- stupid twelvies.

Mysterium_Stangerus
Add me, my minions!

One day I look at my followers, and there's 68.
"Oh boy, only one more left."
Then next day... I look at my followers and there's 70.
I missed 69!

What do they mean?

Goodnight everyone.

People were angry at Eris for lying to them about being a guy.
Well, I'm a guy. Does anyone care?

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof*…

He disappeared without a tres.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.