Hi guys! Howdy do?

Okay, so I recently posted a story that I've had in the works for a while now, and everyone who's read it so far has disliked it, but hasn't told me why. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you guys go and read it, then tell me what parts are bad? I love feedback, and I would like to be able to fix the parts that people don't like.

Thanks!

Apinkalypse