This story is giving me a lot of problems.

* The viewpoint character has to be flawed enough to do what he does, but not so much of a jerk that you don't sympathize with him. His jerkiness should seem almost justified.
* The theme is complex, and on one hand I need to get across all of its different parts, and on the other hand I don't want the readers to feel that I'm bashing them over the head with it.
* The second half probably needs more fleshing out, but it's like pulling teeth.

I used weird improper grammar and tense for the conversations with the ponies. It might have to go, but give it a chance before you complain about it. Mostly I'd like to know what you think the story is really about.

Burning Man Brony: Fear and Loathing of Equestria (link disabled for the time; revising again)

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Been thinking about it, and one key problem is that the main character's interactions with the ponies address different character flaws of his, but the story doesn't explain how these flaws are related to each other, so it seems scattershot.