TSanctify

• MLP: FiM
• MLP: Movie
• Dark
• Adventure
• Horror

When ponies are unable to wake up from their dreams, it's up to Capper and Luna to work together to figure out what's going on and how to wake them up before it is too late.

• Profanity
• Violence
• Luna
• Capper

AnnEldest · 12k words  ·  18  4 · 439 views

Capper and Princess Luna team up to stop a monster haunting ponies’ dreams…and it’s not long before the monster sets its eyes on them both.

Subjective 

Plot

I like the mystery set up in the first chapter: a monster invading ponies’ dreams goes after a character who is criminally underused by the fandom. Said character is then recruited by Princess Luna as assistance. Sure, the narrative momentum of the first chapter is a bit crippled by some of the rough prose (see the later section), but it sets up the main conflict decently.

And it only gets better by the second chapter. There is a slow reveal of the stakes—the impact of the monster outside our protagonist’s perspective. It’s not just bad dreams, and it’s not just Capper. It goes to show that the story doesn’t fall prey to the same protagonist myopia that even good stories stumble on every now and then.

If it isn’t clear yet, “Sanctify” has an excellent grasp on story structure. There’s a succinct introduction that sets both the tone, stakes, and main conflict. But these would be wasted were it not for the competently crafted rising action in the third chapter. From the developments of the previous chapters—Capper ending up in the monster’s realm, him getting quick glimpses of the monster and its victims, Luna taking in the monster’s real-world impact—Capper has a face-to-face encounter with the monster. There’s something to be said about hiding a story’s monsters from the reader up until the end. But in this case, Capper’s close, personal encounter works. Capper doesn’t just see what the monster looks like—the monster actually captures him and attempts to break his conscious mind. The lead up to that moment and the moment itself complement each other to create one hell of a payoff. Good on you!

Now, in my reviews, I usually use the Plot section to talk about fights. There’s only one fight in this story, and it’s full of juicy, visceral descriptions such as “blood vessels bursting” and “guts smashing together.” That said, some of the choreography of the fight feels off, especially when blows are being exchanged between the two fighters (as opposed to one fighter overpowering the other). How was Chummerable to punch Capper’s stomach directly after being punched in the face? A punch in the face would rattle his brain inside his skull for a few seconds.

Non-salient features

>> Why didn’t Luna teleport or fly to Iron Hide while she was chasing him?

As far as he remembered, nothing bad happened. There should have been no reason for anything to be as cold and unwelcoming as it was. He snuggled deeper into his coat. He had to find something alive in this strange place, if he could.

>> There’s a missed opportunity here to relay some establishing exposition. At this moment in the story, Capper is trying to retrace his steps and thinking hard about how he ended up in this situation. What was he doing before he ended up here? Can he even remember how he ended up here? This is a sensible time to answer those questions directly

Recognized, he recognized the voice that disturbed his ears. Chummer? His thoughts betrayed him. Chummer? He shook his head and covered his ears.

"Chu… no, no, no." His arm slipped to the side of the tree. They had barely caught himself as his face was inches from the ground. He stood up straight.

"Capper!" The voice was getting louder.

No, it's not Chummer. He shook his head one last time before he froze. Luna, Luna!

>> Unless Chummer’s voice is high-pitched, I kinda doubt that Capper could mistake Luna’s voice for his

"What the heck!" The familiar Luna yelled.

>> Luna said “hell” earlier. Why not now?

Characters

In the first chapter, Capper sounded…I dunno, a bit too fearful for my taste? But it is understandable given his circumstances. He’s being chased by some kind of eldritch monster in a dark eldritch snowstorm. So it makes sense he’s scared. It took a while for Capper to regain his sass and put up a self-aware, cocksure facade, even after waking up. But once he did, it was a breath of fresh air—a moment of levity in the tension. This was the Capper I knew. It wouldn’t last long, given the nature of the story, but it would be nice while it lasted.

In fact, Luna and Capper’s conversation in the first chapter, generally speaking, is multi-layered for all the right reasons. It’s clear to both of them and to the reader that they are hiding things from one another. Regardless of their inner demons and gap in their mutual trust, they have to work together to solve a problem. This creates an internal conflict that neatly ties into the external conflict.

But the conversation also highlights a certain…quality of the dialogue. For better or worse, the dialogue, just like the rest of the prose, is rather direct and “pedestrian.” There are no flowery decorations of the character's emotions; they say what they mean directly and get straight to the point (unless they were deliberately trying to mislead or hide something). 

But I can assure you, Princess, that ever since I came here, my life has only gotten better. I finally have what I could ever want and more

This has both downsides and upsides. The upside is that the writing is more efficient at conveying the plot, and there’s no pretentious, purple prose garbage that wouldn’t be befitting of a character like, say, Capper. The downside is that it runs the risk of making some of the dialogue feel “telly” and “dry.” Within the context of Capper and Luna’s conversation in Chapter 1, the dryness of the dialogue makes it seem like I am visiting a museum where the building’s wires, crossbeams, and whatever are exposed rather than hidden inside the walls. This kind of takes away from the “magic” of the story.

Now, as much as I’d like to judge Luna and Capper’s chemistry apart from that first chapter, I’ll admit that’s a bit hard. In that specific regard, Chapter 3 offers more of the same from Chapter 1, except that Capper learns more about the light monster’s victims and their interactions take place in a more tense situation that forces them to be slightly more open. That’s not a bad thing at all; if you’re going to offer more of the same, that “same” ought to be good. The story hasn’t progressed enough for me to expect that much progression in Luna and Capper’s chemistry, so it’s kind of hard to review it. Again, not necessarily a bad thing—if anything, I’m interested in seeing how the author will play out their partnership.

There’s a character in this story I wasn’t expecting: Chummer, Capper’s former friend from the tie-in comic of the MLP Movie. Chummer’s psychological beat down of Capper in the third chapter is a mixed bag. I get what it was trying to go for, and when the psychological beat down starts getting mixed with physical warfare, Chummer’s volatile chemistry with Capper offers an appropriately chilling, dark look into Capper’s inner demons. However, just before Chummer and Capper start exchanging blows, I found myself increasingly skeptical of Chummer’s psychological attacks. It took me a while to figure out, but I believe I pinpointed where exactly, Chummer started losing me as a psychologically intimidating foe.

“You needed someone to hear your cries or just be there to say how good of a person you were. You were so desperate to not be alone you were willing to do anything. You know you're worth nothing to anyone. You could die today, and no one would miss you or remember you. You know no one cares about you, and you're all alone with no one,” Chummer continued as he got closer to Capper.

There is a moment in Chummer’s beatdown where he transitions from talking about Capper’s past to Capper’s present. Notice the change from past to present tense in this paragraph. I don’t deny that past Capper would have been a friendless, unloved nobody whose death would go unnoticed. But present Capper made so many friends and allies in Equestria—both in the MLP Movie proper and in the comics. It seems odd that Capper wouldn’t remember the progress he’s made since the events of the MLP Movie…or at least, it wasn’t made clear that there was some kind of otherworldly force preventing Capper from remembering that.

And yes, I know that wasn’t actually Chummer.

Non-salient features

He knew it was wrong to enter without permission

>> Given that Capper used to be a thief, I find it surprising that he would care about that sort of thing. Granted, he is a reformed thief; you might be able to use that to your advantage. Also, instead of merely telling us what the character is thinking, you can word this thought as if it’s a comment coming from the character. For example, “Breaking and entering…just like the Klugetown days. Ugh.”

“I know I’m asleep, but I don’t think I’m dreaming,” Capper let out carefully.

>> Um… So what is Capper doing? Is he in an anesthetic state?

His spine arched forward as his arms stiffened. His eyes were frozen on the entity before him.

>> I’m not sure if this is just him being scared or if he’s scared *and* falling back on instinctive feral cat mannerisms. But either way, this is good body language. Add 0.1 to this section’s score.

Objective

Prose and Writing Style

Capper opened his eyes.

This was easily the best opening sentence I’ve read in a while. It’s short and simple, but it grabs the reader’s attention. There’s also the fact that Capper opens his eyes—an act that is usually associated with coming out of darkness—after the reader has seen the chapter title “Into the Dark.”

Sentence length is one aspect of storytelling that is rarely thought about, but can go a long way at establishing a story’s mood and tone. A short sentence conveys more tension than a long one; a long sentence feels more relaxed. Compare “Hey!” with “Turn around and look at me right this second.” This is part of the reason “Capper opened his eyes” is so attention-grabbing: as I said, “it’s short and simple.” 

In this fic, the usage of sentence length to convey tone is a mixed bag. There are times where it’s used effectively, like in the opening, and in other times, it’s not used.

Suddenly, the ground began to vibrate.

The suddenness in this sentence can be underlined by making it much shorter. “The ground shook.” 

A better example of this is the part where Capper escapes the first dream and ends up back in his bedroom.

He walked up to it and stared at it for a moment. Just looking at it made him feel safe; all the worries that he ever had and the troubles of his past seemed to no longer exist. He reached out with his paw and grabbed it.

His eyes opened, to find he was lying on a bed. He stood up and realized he was back in his bedroom.

The first paragraph has a good variation of sentence length: one long sentence sandwiched between two short sentences. However, the second paragraph, the one where the reveal actually takes place, consists of two sentences of similar length. Shortening one sentence while lengthening the other can help underscore the narrative rhythm of the reveal. “Warmth replaced cold, then Capper’s body catapulted upwards as his breathing slowed. He was back in his bedroom.”

The prose tends to fall back on linking verbs (is, are, was, were, be, being) when describing objects and settings. This is not grammatically wrong, but it does make the writing look weaker when compared with using action verbs for description. For example, “the sky was a rolling blanket of clouds” can be strengthened by using an action verb: “a blanket of clouds rolled across the sky.” 

Or, for example, “The air was so chilly it hurt to breathe.” This can be rephrased as “Capper’s chest ached. The cold air sliced his lungs.” 

Now, this is not a hard and fast rule; there will be some instances where describing objects using linking verbs works better. But it can’t hurt to use action verbs to strengthen some of the weaker parts of the prose.

On the topic of description, be careful with redundancy. Truth be told, the descriptions in “Sanctify” are rather simplistic and pedestrian—not that there’s anything wrong with this. I’d take pedestrian over pretentious and flowery purple prose, which, in my experience, is the usual reason for redundancies in description. This is not the case here. In “Sanctify,” redundancies in description exist because the prose is repeating the same information in a well-meaning, but misguided effort to add more description.

Everything was dimmed and dark, making it hard to tell what anything was.

“Dim” and “dark” mean almost the exact same thing, and in this context, placing the two words together does not highlight any meaningful difference between the two. Also, it’s dark, so obviously, Capper would have a hard time seeing. If you want to describe the darkness, what you could do is highlight how dark it is rather than the fact that it is dark. For example, “Capper squinted. Not even his feline eyes could penetrate the oppressive darkness.”

Another example…

He walked aimlessly for what felt like hours. He didn't know where he was going. There was no sense of direction. Everything felt wrong.

All these sentences mean the exact same thing: “Capper is lost and he hates that.” When you want to add more description to an aspect of the story, break down the main mood you are trying to convey into its building blocks. Which aspects of the environment, circumstance, or character thoughts contribute to that mood? Why is Capper lost? Maybe the oppressive cold and darkness are clouding his thinking. Maybe the environment has no landmarks. Maybe there are landmarks, but they’re useless, and he keeps encountering the same landmark no matter what direction he walks in, implying that he’s going around in circles. 

Sometimes redundancy is caused by a lack of analysis in writing. This is something even good writers stumble at once in a while. When you’re caught up in what you are saying, it’s hard to think about how you are saying it. A good way to reduce redundancy is to analyze your writing during or after the writing process. 

He forcefully grabbed the foal by his hoof and pulled him closer.

By definition, a “grab” is forceful, so the word “forceful” is redundant here.

Now, to be fair to the author, when the description is done well, it is done really well. This is especially evident as the fic progressed.

He shivered as the wind hit his face. Flakes of ice pelted against Capper’s cheeks, clinging to his paws and fur. He could hardly feel them, let alone move them. He needed to get to someplace warm.

Bangs of green mane fell over his puffy eyes, and tears streamed down his reddish brown cheeks. When the colt shifted a little, Capper caught a glimpse of his cutie mark--a hammer on a steel plate.

Note that in these descriptions, actions verbs are being used instead of linking verbs. Instead of “His mane was green and over his puffy eyes,” it’s “Bangs of green mane fell over his puffy eyes.” Such moments of captivating description are relatively uncommon in the first chapters, but as the story progresses, they get more frequent. By the author’s own admission (in the author’s notes), this is him getting the hang of the writing craft. The best example of this is Capper running away from the monster in Chapter 3.

The figure became transparent and faded in and out of view. Suddenly, like coming out of a mother's womb, his life had become apparent to him. He was a living creature and as a lonely cat, he could die. The chime of reason flushed through the wind as calmly and as naturally as the light of the heavens.

The cat's ears flew flat against his head as they took in the lullaby. His own body swayed to its enchantment. I'm not supposed to be here, he thought. This is all wrong. The rising of a bright white light became to envelop the trees. Capper took off in a dead sprint. He shook his head as he realized he was running. All four of his legs came to reason that his life was in danger.

A race against time? No, a race against the light. He ran not for the sake of his own life but the reason that he wanted to go on so that he could once again feel the power he had felt back when he was facing his brother. He wanted to find the blood once more.

Gosh, apart from a few bits of redundant, awkward wording, this is some bomb-ass writing.

I’ve noticed that in more action-oriented scenes (not necessarily fights), I’ve noticed that character actions tend to be conveyed to the reader with consecutive uses of the “He did X. He did Y. He did Z” construction. 

“Capper walked backward slowly as he shook off the shock. He stopped as he hit the edge of the airship. He looked over to see the bottomless sky approaching him. He stared back at the creature sprinting towards him. Capper screamed as his mind froze”

You can add a little variety by changing the subjects of these sentences to other things. For example “Capper’s paw stepped on thin air” or “The bottomless sky stared back at Capper”

Capper at him, confused

Telling instead of Showing isn’t a very common issue in this fic, but it still pops up occasionally, especially in earlier chapters. Show us how confused the character is by drawing attention to the way her eyebrows are raised, her head tilted to the side, etc. 

Finally, the story has some occasional hiccups with wording. I can’t really find a specific pattern to the wording issues—only a common result: weakened, clinical prose. I’ve highlighted some examples in the Non-salient features section.

Non-salient features

>> The monster is continuously called a “humanoid” figure. How do characters in Equestria know what a human looks like? I think just calling it “bipedal” would work. Subtract 0.05 from this section’s score.

Every surface, every blade of grass and twig was growing long ice crystals ten or more millimeters in length

>> I get what you’re trying to say here, but this reads a bit awkwardly. The reader can extrapolate that if ice crystals are growing from every surface, they are also growing from the blades of grass—no need to repeat it. Furthermore, mentioning exact measurements can work, but more often than not, it sounds jarringly specific—like a science textbook. Something like “Long ice crystals dangled from every surface” or “Long ice crystals dangled from every blade of grass” would work better.

He looked up and saw none other than the Princess of the Night herself smiling down at him.
"P-Princess Luna?"

>> The part in the first chapter where Luna reveals herself is a bit watered down because the reveal was essentially repeated two times: first in the “Princess of the Night” bit, then in Capper’s dialogue. My suggestion is to keep the Princess of the Night bit and remove Capper’s dialogue. It’s not necessary to the reader’s understanding of the story, and one can make the case that Capper was too shocked to speak for a few seconds.

"Well, where is he?" The cat’s gaze traveled the room.

>> “Traveled” is an odd way of wording it. I might say “scanned,” “scoped,” or “surveyed.”

Chummer’s chest gently rose and sank with each shallow breath he drew in.

>> It’s better if “gently” is removed. It contributes nothing to the scene and only weakens the action it’s describing.

Suddenly they both heard a laugh. They searched for the source of it

>> A better way to word this would be “another pony’s laugh rang through their ears.”

Capper then noticed the creature was walking away from them. Capper peeked out and noticed the creature was walking away from them.

>> The second sentence is a near-exact copy of the first.

Grammar

In about 8000 words, I found about 10 errors. This gives a Grammar score of 8.7, which is quite excellent. The usual grammar errors were words that were supposed to be hyphenated but weren’t (“reddish-brown”) and missing words (“The walls, the floor, and the ceiling were now covered in snow and ice”). There doesn’t seem to be a specific pattern behind these errors, which implies they are just minor mistakes that slipped through the cracks rather than any actual problem in the author’s grasp of grammar. Good on you.

Assessment 

• Plot: 7.75—Despite a few rough edges, the plot shows potential, captivating the reader with its great pacing and conflict escalation.
• Characters: 7.25 + 0.1 = 7.35—It’s a bit too early to call the characterization of this fanfic excellent, but it does show promise with its use of Capper, an unlikely protagonist, and Luna, an unlikely partner for said protagonist.
• Prose and writing style: 5.75 - 0.05 = 5.7—For better or worse, the fic is relatively terse and direct with its prose. This wouldn’t normally be too much of an issue were it not for the story’s other stylistic faults.
• Grammar: 8.7

7.38/10

Though it’s held back by weak prose, “Sanctify” is a promising horror-thriller with a good control over its plot and great potential for character growth.

Plan

• Consider being a bit more roundabout in your writing, specifically in dialogue and description. 

  • You already hint at Capper and Luna hiding things from each other when they are supposed to be a team. That’s a good starting point. Don’t have them just say what they are feeling or thinking; try mixing it up a bit. Dialogue is very much a “battle of wills,” as my editor and quasi-mentor put it. Characters debate, analyze, make metaphors of, and crack jokes at each other’s statements.
  • Adding more description is not merely a matter of using more words to describe the one same thing. It can involve describing the parts that make up that one thing, how that one thing affects other things, and how other things affect that one thing. 
• Keep writing! I noticed you get better at prose as your story progressed. This is a sign that you’re practicing the craft and getting better with each chapter. Keep going, and you’ll be able to hit the mark much more consistently.

If there’s anything you want to clarify, feel free to ask anything in the comments!

7466821

Well for starters, thank you so much for taking the time to read this story. I honestly forgot about this until I saw your comment. As for the issues, I was very well aware of most of them. This story was originally written for a contest and admittedly, I was trying to rush it. But as I actually saw the potential in this story, I backed out of the contest so I could actually flush out the story even more. Unfortunately, while the third chapter wasn't rush, the first two were and they suffered the mistakes that you stated. I may go back to them to fix them up a little bit.

As for what is yet to come, your review actually inspired me to go all the way. I took a small break from the story mainly because I'm working on other stuff but I am going to come back to the story much sooner now because of this. I have taken all your advice into consideration and will put them in practice forward as I continue the story. Who knows? Maybe you'll be able to review the full thing when it's done. Cuz yes, I do plan on finishing the story because I do have a lot of ideas for it so I hope you are prepared for that. And once again thank you so much for reading it. It seems like you also enjoyed it. It is so nice to hear feedback from someone else constructively and giving me good advice on how to become a better writer.