Gonna just type up every single thing I’m embarrassed about and post it publicly because...meh, why not. And don’t we all get a little bit of excitement reading someone’s extremely personal stuff? Haven’t you ever wanted to read someone’s dairy before? Common, you can admit it! Whoever the hell you are...
So like any other night, my mind just keeps cranking out...stuff. One thing I’ve come to realize, is how much my friends can really piss me off. One thing in particular, is when they wrong me somehow. Like enough to where we stop talking for a bit. And what bothers me about it, is I’m always the one to initiate the conversation. And they can even begin their side of the conversation by admitting they messed up.
But the fact remains: I had to seek YOU out. Now I’m not directing this at anyone, it’s just how I’ve felt for a while. I used to hate to admit when I was wrong, and I think that stems from all the times people screwed me over or did something just plain crappy or immature or impulsive, and never had the courage to actually seek ME out to apologize.
While we’re on the topic, it also bothers me because it makes me feel like they don’t care about the friendship. And I hate the fact that I care more. I’m in this gray area, where I’m not sure whether I should wait for them to come to me, or go to them. It seems almost petty to hold a grudge that long, but damnit, I’d like someone to prove to me that they care once and a while! I mean obviously not ALL of you do that, but still.
The other thing I’ve had to come to terms with, is I’m remarkably BAD at expressing how I feel in a logical explanation. It always comes out wrong, gives the wrong idea, or I honestly don’t fully understand WHY I’m upset with them. I hate how easily everyone else can just explain outright what they’re feeling and why. A lot of the time, I’m mad at you and I don’t fully know why until later. Like I usually have a perfectly good reason to be upset, but for the life of me, the words just...don’t come to me. You can’t imagine how infuriating it is to be mad and unable to tell the person why. Like, I’m angry with you...but I can’t explain why yet. I have to resort to taking random stabs in the dark, that are easily countered with logic and reasoning, which just upsets me more, because all I want to do is to stop being mad and explain to you how you’ve upset me.
This doesn’t even have to be about something someone did to make me mad, it can just be ANY point of view. Fine, you know what? I suck at arguing. I have NO problem being aggressive or assertive. I’ll gladly step up to the plate when i see something I disagree with, even if I can’t explain it. Unfortunately, this can frequently be accompanied by the miserable slew of words coming from my mouth, that sounds like ignorant dribble. I’ve had to resort to explaining this to my friends. I mean when I’m upset at them, I’ve had to go into detail about how bad I am at explaining myself. I’ve actually had to ask for slack. Do you know how degrading that is? “Hey, I know I’m mad at you, and it’s kinda set you off, but would you mind throwing me a bone as I try to figure out why you’re a total jackass?”
You know what else irritates me? When people do something wrong to you, like send you a crappy text, and when they tell others about it, they retell it with this sweet, logical tone that completely downplays how the text comes across. Like don’t give me that crap, you know full well what you said was crappy. And if you didn’t, then you may need to take their word for it. Also who do you blame? The text or the sender? Like I’ll be mad at the person, but if they blame it on lack of tone...what do I do? Like YOU sent it but...it feels like I’m getting blamed for your carelessness. I wanna be mad at SOMETHING. Not at nothing. Having nothing to take your anger out on is infuriating.
So funny story, when you’re mad at....nothingsomething, blame Bob. I’ve written so many mean letters to “Bob” telling him how crappy his text was, or how it’s not my fault he accidentally did something that made me mad. Yes, you made a careless mistake, and it’s not fair to be mad at you for it, but you can go to hell Bob! I hate how you never tried to plan a birthday party for me! I hate how you never seem to care about the apathetic, offensive things you say to me! I hate how you spilt my coffee! Ya, it’s just coffee, but you know what? Drinking that coffee was going to be a big highlight of my morning! I was really looking forward to that! I don’t care that it’s “just coffee” to you, that was MY wonderful coffee! It helps keep me awake, it’s a tradition, it tastes good, that wonderful sweet warm feeling (unless you drink it black like a psycho) makes me so happy and sets my mood for the day.
Speaking of text, lets be honest here, misinterpreting people over text is overrated. I’ll be the first to admit that in the past I’ve sent a mean text, with the intention of downplaying it and explaining it away as a misunderstanding. Don’t judge me, you all do it! I mean lets face it, we all know how to send the proper words to get the proper response. Ok fine not EVERYONE does and mistakes do happen, but I feel like “text” gets blamed far too often.
Speaking of making excuses, does anyone else blame technology for mistakes you know full well you made? “Ya um...I don’t know why it just didn’t wanna send my message.” The truth? You forgot to send the damn email and you know it. Or you just didn’t wanna reply just then. I think that’s why I like text so much because I can have the conversation whenever the hell I feel like. We don’t have to stop our conversation because something happened. I mean I love conversations, I really do, but sometimes I just...wanna stop talking for a bit.
As far as conversations go, I’m tired of being told I’m creepy but no one can explain why. Fine, you know what? I freeze the hell up around cute girls. Throughout my entire life, it was always the cute girls that made me feel bad about myself. I mean I honestly couldn’t give a damn now, cause I’m a badass, but back when I was in elementary, middleschool and even highschool? That tore me the hell up. And unfortunately, I still get that internal anxiety. So I’m sorry I act awkward sometimes. Ya, I can be labelled as creepy and I may make you uncomfortable with my shyness, but that’s why.
Speaking of creepy, I did some stuuuuuupid crap after highschool. I was extremely lonely, and obsessed over finding a girlfriend. It got so bad, that I started telling my female friends I had feeling for them, even though I didn’t, in hopes I’d find someone to date. I ruined so many friendships with that crap. I’m honest to God sorry about that too. I never once stalked anyone though. Ya I’ve had crushes where I’ve wanted to know everything about them, but I’ve never followed a girl home, I’ve never sent stalker texts or random anonymous phone calls. I mean in middleschool there was this girl Emma that I had a massive crush on for like 6 straight years. Ya, I called her house a few times. Still don’t know why but I’d always play music or something instead of saying who was calling. Ya it’s embarrassing to admit, and I’m actually shaking my head in shame as I type this. I think it’s because i just wanted to be closer to her. Not like literally, I just wanted to be friends with her, as opposed to just classmates, but had no idea how to talk to girls.
Oh small side note, I used to be a compulsive liar. Ya, I said anything at any time. It stemmed from the bullying I went through as a kid. Not gonna get into detail, but it was pretty damn bad. My parents don’t know the half of it. So anyways, I lied about pretty much everything because I A: liked the attention and B: thought that the real me wasn’t interesting enough to bother with. By the time I got a handle on my self-esteem, I had been doing it for so long that I’d lie, then REALIZED I lied. Ya, I’d just blurt out stupid crap left and right without even thinking about it.
Back to not knowing how to talk to girls, there was this girl in highschool named Sarah. Oh sweet lord of all the embarrassing crap I did, this may be the worst. So get this: I had NO idea how to deal with having a crush on a girl who didn’t think of you the same way. Like I wrote poems about her, I thought about her a lot, like I couldn’t get her off my mind. I joined a damn latin class just so I could try and talk with her more. Well ok that and several of my friends were in that class. But latin? I barely passed German! With a D! I wasn’t exactly Mr. Academic here! I mean my emotions were all over the place, and I just did not know how the hell to deal with them. I got so damn nervous around her, I was surprised we were friends.
And my whole issue with sucking at explaining my feelings didn’t help, as I’m sure I’ve said more than my share of dumb things to her, accompanied with my ridiculous lying problem which sure as hell didn’t improve the situation. I think what bothers me the most, was how I treated her though. Like I kept my feelings a secret for a long time. And I finally tell her right? Well I just...I really wanted her to like me back, so I was nice to her, I’d try to cheer her up when I saw her having a bad day, I’d get her little gifts. I mean it was the second time I had a crush on anyone since Emma, and I did NOT have any form of healthy examples for how to deal with crushes. Ok so small sidetrack, I sold my god damn xbox to have the money to buy her teddybears and invite her on a picnic. She doesn’t even like me back and I sell my most valuable possession at the time on a damn whim. Like thought about it for 10 minutes, and next thing I know: I’m at the pawn shop. Total dumbass right? Well the dumbassary didn’t end there.
So I’d get so frustrated with having these hardcore feelings pounding in my chest, that I’d often snap at her, and I mean snaaaaaaap. Like I’d send her the cruelist things I could type up, like “I don’t know why I ever loved you and I honestly don’t know who ever could...” like really mean stuff. And God I felt SO bad about it! And I’d send her a big apology, just to do it again in a few days. She gave me so many chances that I didn’t deserve. I think she knew I had emotional problems, or maybe she was related to Jesus, I don’t know. God even today I feel so bad for all the crap I told her, I mean she was going through her own rough time at home, and I just made things worse. I never wanted her to feel bad, I just wanted the damn emotions to stop. i wanted to stop caring about her, I wanted to stop getting jealous, I wanted to stop thinking about her. Like what the hell was i suppose to do? And you know, we’re all in highschool so naturally no one has any advice.

Why am I writing this? Because I felt like it. I challenge anyone reading this to write up their own things they do that they’re embarrassed about. Things you wish your friends or family knew about you. Things you are just tired of bottling up. Things you wanna admit you're insecure about. Wish people would tell you positive things about your appearance more often? Say something! Things you did in your past you wanna get out in the open or vent about. Hell even shoot me a private message, I don’t care. We can talk about your deep dark secrets all day long. What will happen if you don’t? Nothing. nothing will happen at all, and that’s the problem. I’m tired of bottling up my emotions because I SUUUUUUCK at expressing them. I’m not gonna get any better by staying quiet. so if I gotta look like a rambling petty fool for a while, fine.
I’m also typing this up because I’m sure there’s like unresolved stuff with others, or things i wish people knew about me that I’ve never explained.