Well, the meeting scene is finished and before I move on to the Fluttershy and Storm Shadow scenes, I figured I might as well give you what I've got so far, since I think it's pretty much ready for review. The chapter is probably about half done. Maybe a little less than half done. I'll continue drafting it in a separate document.

You can find the first half of chapter 11 here. This will give you all something to chew on while I push forward.

Again, be aware that this is a fresh draft, so it needs lots of polish and maybe even a few additional components. Feel free to suggest anything along those lines.

5043438 Well this came by rather quickly... Sees title of chapter I have a feeling of dread hanging over me right now...

5043438 So this is taken after the conversation between Luna and Twilight I believe? My memory is rather foggy even after reading the last chapters so I may not be correct about this. I do like how it started so far... oh and Nyx... I can't believe you let that slip out in front of your mother... Of course Twilight being the concerned albeit maybe a bit overprotective mother she is, she wants to know what happened to Nyx during the mission. Good job on Nyx stopping her from telling the details for now... she'll go over it no doubt, just when the meeting begins, wouldn't want the same thing to repeat twice right?

And sudden change in topic and we go over about flight and how easy it would be for travel... honestly at least this part was acknowledged by Nyx herself so I'm not bothered by it. Sudden changes in topic tend to drive me nuts... Sky bus models? I do not want to imagine what they look like

Now to the meeting... oh wow, Celestia now makes an appearance? Well sweet except, she's all mopey... I have to agree with Nyx in this case, most saddest pony to ever live at least without reason. Celestia, why did you frown? Something about this details throws me off kilter and makes me kind of worried for her... So now they sharing the details about the mission and the first was them being attacked by wildlife. As much as I can agree with Fluttershy here, I do have to wonder why they went on the attack. I already knew this and yet I can't help but wonder why they striked... Also, Rumble, is it really a good time to be spinning that grenade? Thank you Nyx for kicking him Huh, so it looks like the incidents with those from the Everfree Forest have been getting more pronounce... Why do I get a bad feeling about all of this?

So after a temporary background mission given to Nyx, we now go to the details involving... that moment with the Zebras. Poor Twilight, now she gets the information and suddenly she's getting very worried sick right now. And now Celestia joined in the worry after hearing the mention of balefire egg. And then the boom came by, honestly, I'd share Twilight's moment of panic if I were to ever hear about this. It's in character of her to freak like this so no complaints there. Lol on Rumble though... I'm surprised he stopped himself from swearing

Again poor Twilight, being the mother she is, she's getting more worried about her daughter than expected. Thank Luna for talking out of her moment of panic if only temporarily.

Paper from the doctor is shown, given to Luna and then Celestia takes it, reads, then accounts what it is. Oh the paper is making me somewhat sick Okay so we got something predating to another war by the Minotaurs, someone surviving from being killed their own friends. I call that sickening... Just what? I want to know about this soon! So this so-called infection has a name for the zebras being called the Destroyer... I do question if Zebras are very lacking in naming their things or something.

Reads the next set Oh... Oh... oh that is... sickening is not even a word that would be able to describe this well. More like, unnervingly fked up... I want to forget that right now, oh goddamn it. I have to agree with Celestia on this, just what the fk... Forgetting all that, poor Nyx though, she has to tell those two that their father may not be able to live now thanks to this infection After all that well, I'm going to wait it out for the next part.

I'll be waiting delightfully for the awaited part to this!

5043438
It looks pretty good. I'll have a closer look tomorrow.
What's with the coloured highlights?

5043438
I have to say this was a really good start to this chapter not just in what's said but what's left unsaid. Lot's of little nuances going on in the background between the characters

It's good to address Twilights feelings regarding Nyx. I'm sure there were moments that Nyx kept from her in the past but now she's had events (not her average mission but still..) revealed to her in horrific focus. It might be worth adding a bit more of the protective Twilight in earlier chapters to show that this has been going on for a while.

Nyx snapping at Twilight was a good touch there's a little hint that Nyx isn't dealing with this as well as she thinks.

So, Celestia has made her appearance at last, it's good someone finally addresses Celestia in Fallout. We finally see what Littlehorn has done to her.

Regarding that, it might be worth adding a bit of description to go with Nyxs assesssment of her. Have her mane having lost its magic, sunken eyes, things like that, so we're shown how bad Celestia has got.

On to the briefing, it's good to have the facts laid out so readers can refresh their knowledge and can begin to piece the clues together as our heroes do. We get info that something big is going down in the Everfree and our team has one more mystery to solve.

On the pony affected by poison joke this might be a good angle to introduce Zecora into the mix since she cured the mane 6 when they were afflicted in the past.

Rumble, you never fail to impress Also, nice save from Nyx there otherwise he'd of had to deal with angry Fluttershy

So now we have a full account of the Destroyer and what a doosy that was. We see the infecteds Modus operandi from a detached perspective to prepare the reader for what's coming.

On that, perhaps it might be worth adding some theorizing on how it got into Equestria. Was it an accident, or intentional? At this point Luna will think the Zebra capable of almost anything so it's not a big stretch for her to think this is a bio-weapon attack gone wrong. Especially with a Shaman seemingly trying to cover their tracks.

Ah Dinky, looking forward to seeing her join the team Nyx could do with some magical backup. Be interesting to see how she finds her niche in the group.

All in all an excellent start am certainly looking forward to the next section.

5043531
The colors were to help me track topics. Helps me quickly scroll around and reference things, keeping track of what was said and what it was about. I find it helps when doing a fresh draft, otherwise it's just a ginormous white wall of text.
Just took them out, since I don't need 'em anymore for those sections.

Now that you've seen the full text of the meeting, I suppose you understand why this section was such a bitch for me to write. Talk about a delicate balance!

5043514
LOL! Thanks for the indepth response. Where do I begin? A few of your comments were confusing to me:

So this is taken after the conversation between Luna and Twilight I believe?

No, it takes place immediately after the end of chapter ten. Twilight went to see Nyx at the Ministry of Peace and we got to see Doctor Silverheart's analysis of the zebra body. Fluttershy shows up at the end and says she wants to come to the meeting with Luna, and they all take off to the Palace, ending the chapter.

Please tell me you read chapter ten...

And sudden change in topic and we go over about flight and how easy it would be for travel... honestly at least this part was acknowledged by Nyx herself so I'm not bothered by it.

Um, it was Nyx who changed the topic. Not sure what you mean.

Sky bus models? I do not want to imagine what they look like

Remember the Sky Bandit from Fallout: Equestria? Basically that.
But this is not what they are actually getting. What they are getting is 2000% cooler.

Now to the meeting... oh wow, Celestia now makes an appearance?

Yep! She's the surprise guest hinted at when chapter 9 ends.

Well sweet except, she's all mopey... I have to agree with Nyx in this case, most saddest pony to ever live at least without reason. Celestia, why did you frown? Something about this details throws me off kilter and makes me kind of worried for her.

Yeah, she still thinks that she is personally responsible for the horrific deaths of a hundred unicorn colts and fillies, plunging Equestria into an even bloodier war. And as Luna said, some days are worse than others. This is just one of those days that's been tough on Tia.

As for why she frowned... good catch. That does mean something specific having to do with Nyx being allied (with) the ponies. She's still one of them. But if she were not, such as if she became a wild alicorn, then it would be terrible. This is meant to be subtle enough that the reader might not catch on what Celestia is thinking. And of course, Nyx has no idea what she meant. So she simply took it as a polite greeting and returned it. Celestia frowned because Nyx doesn't understand, and it's not yet time to explain it to her.

So now they sharing the details about the mission and the first was them being attacked by wildlife. As much as I can agree with Fluttershy here, I do have to wonder why they went on the attack. I already knew this and yet I can't help but wonder why they striked

Guess you'll have to wait and see on that one.
Eh well, I could explain it I guess. Basically, Hyperion's influence is increasing because the Tree of Harmony has died. Nobody knows it yet, though.

Also, Rumble, is it really a good time to be spinning that grenade? Thank you Nyx for kicking him
...
Lol on Rumble though... I'm surprised he stopped himself from swearing

Just some good Rumble humor to liven things up a bit. Maybe I'll have him offer Celestia a muffin before she leaves.

Again poor Twilight, being the mother she is, she's getting more worried about her daughter than expected. Thank Luna for talking out of her moment of panic if only temporarily.

So, yeah, this thing with Twilight being overprotective has to go. To do that, I needed to bring it to a head so that Luna could help her get past it. From this moment, Twilight knows that she needs to let go when it comes to Nyx. She won't be such a worry freak in the future, even though Nyx will be in more peril as the story goes on. I feel like this is a better technique than just having Twilight be worrying the whole story long. The scene provided a nice way to handle that.

Paper from the doctor is shown, given to Luna and then Celestia takes it, reads, then accounts what it is. Oh the paper is making me somewhat sick Okay so we got something predating to another war by the Minotaurs, someone surviving from being killed their own friends. I call that sickening... Just what? I want to know about this soon! So this so-called infection has a name for the zebras being called the Destroyer... I do question if Zebras are very lacking in naming their things or something.

Haha. Well, this is all stuff that's been foreshadowed heavily since chapter... four? Lots of pieces coming together all at once here. And yeah, the superstitious zebras probably would come up with a simplistic name like that. Seemed fitting.

Reads the next set Oh... Oh... oh that is... sickening is not even a word that would be able to describe this well. More like, unnervingly fked up... I want to forget that right now, oh goddamn it. I have to agree with Celestia on this, just what the fk...

Indeed. And this level of horror is precisely what I want the reader to understand is going on in the infected pony "nests". It's actually good that you've had the desired reaction even without me providing any explicit details! That means the subtext is doing its job and the reader will understand what Nyx is going through with the memory orb later.

Writing the scene where Celestia translates the journal page was something I had to really think about. I decided to give Celestia a perfect ability to translate the document. She's been the world's most preeminent diplomat for a millennium. She would have read the zebra dialect from eighty years ago, where Luna would not have been exposed to it. Luna can only read bits and pieces which match the zebra words from her time. So this was a really cool way to give Celestia a useful role in the story this early on.

You may have noticed that I have been revealing more and more bits from the journal ever since Willow first showed it to our heroes. Now, its purpose is complete, and our heroes understand what they are dealing with, although not in the fullest extent. They at least know the effects of the plague. I felt it also was effective to have Celestia refuse to continue reading it once it got too graphic That lets the reader's imagination run wild (as demonstrated by Prince Universa, thank you ). This is potentially even more horrific than spelling it out explicitly.

As for the prose, I needed it to have that emotional punch delivered in a manner that one might expect from an emotionally exhausted Celestia. I had to juggle a fair number of character emotions to get the tone to feel just right. I'd appreciate everyone weighing in on whether you think it has been successful.

5043648

not just in what's said but what's left unsaid

Yeah... I find that subtext is one of the trickiest writing devices to learn. I'm still not very good at it, but it's really the art of saying something without saying it. Doing it successfully requires having consistent fleshed-out characters so that the reader can tell what's going on even when the character's not being so on-the-nose about it. And really, that's when reading becomes a pleasure as well. To be able to pick up on things and have that "aha! I see what you did there" moment. In this chapter, I wanted to provide quite a lot of character relations. Starting off with the Twilight/Nyx tension has proven to be a good move, I think. In my original draft, they had a hint of this just tossed in there for no reason, so I felt it'd be good to develop that angle and make it mean something.

And all of Celestia's actions... every single thing I have her say or do has specific purpose, but I explain none of it. I leave it to the reader to pay attention enough to pick up on it. Things like her taking notes. Guess what that's for? Toward the end of the chapter, she and Luna get a scene where the two of them discuss in private "how Nyx is doing". Celestia was invited to the meeting to help assess Nyx. Luna knows what Nyx is becoming. Celestia is the only other person in existence who might be able to judge the risk. They will discuss whether or not the Elements are still a viable weapon and whether they might need to use them against Nyx.

Imagine what a difficult decision that would be. Celestia is determined to not make the same mistake with Nyx again like she did in Past Sins. Compound that with Littlehorn, and Celestia is overly cautious. Luna thinks they may have to prepare the Elements just in case. Celestia appeals - Nyx is Luna’s close friend. Loved by many. Luna becomes emotional - "Don’t you think I know that?" Lots of drama potential.

It might be worth adding a bit more of the protective Twilight in earlier chapters to show that this has been going on for a while.

Mmm... yeah, it might. There's the meeting in chapter two. That's the best place for it probably.

So, Celestia has made her appearance at last, it's good someone finally addresses Celestia in Fallout. We finally see what Littlehorn has done to her.

Mmm yeah. Fo:E doesn't cover Luna at all, but when it comes to Celestia, I think Kkat had her doing things like spending time at her school or that one moment where the zebras tried to kill her and got Big Mac instead. That's all in the future. But six months after Littlehorn, I figure it's good to show Tia being full-on depressed over what happened. And it's not something one just gets over quickly. And some days are worse than others. So yeah, this is something she needs, for the reader to know how she's doing.

Regarding that, it might be worth adding a bit of description to go with Nyxs assesssment of her. Have her mane having lost its magic, sunken eyes, things like that, so we're shown how bad Celestia has got.

More thorough description is an excellent idea! I often focus so much on the characters and internal stuff that I neglect to describe the tangible or environmental things as well.

On to the briefing, it's good to have the facts laid out so readers can refresh their knowledge and can begin to piece the clues together as our heroes do.

You know... I hadn't really looked at it from that angle. I've been so focused on not repeating stuff that the reader already knows because that's a big storytelling faux pas. But in this case, there's so much that has happened, maybe it's a good thing to get a recap. hmm...

On the pony affected by poison joke this might be a good angle to introduce Zecora into the mix since she cured the mane 6 when they were afflicted in the past.

Hmm... now there's an interesting thought. I had determined not to depict Zecora in this story because I don't do rhymes. But she'll be in the story off camera probably a couple times. One thing that's worth doing is to have it stated that Zecora still lives in Everfree but it doesn't seem to be bothering her. The wildlife doesn't attack her, etc. This could be an important puzzle piece because Everfree hates ponies specifically. It has no problem with zebras. This would be a good way to get Zecora in to help with the plague mystery as well.

Rumble, you never fail to impress Also, nice save from Nyx there otherwise he'd of had to deal with angry Fluttershy

Haha. Yeah, this moment with Rumble is actually almost word for word from the original chapter eight rough draft from November 2014. It was one of the very few moments I've let stay because it turned out great with the Fo:E references that blended so well with the context. Bats that love apples? Bats exploded by a grenade? Grenades that look like apples? The Ironshod slogan? Along with Rumble's supreme disregard for protocol... yeah, I couldn't resist.

So now we have a full account of the Destroyer and what a doosy that was. We see the infecteds Modus operandi from a detached perspective to prepare the reader for what's coming.

Mmm... and that's exactly where the reader needs to be at this stage. When our heroes return to the bayou, they will discover that this plague has been spreading all the while they were away! To the point where all of Withersberg is now overrun. Now that the reader has a mental image of what they do, multiplying that by an entire town is going to be pretty disturbing. You can see why I've picked the chapter titles which I have...
When Jewel gets rescued, we get all the nasty details of what the town's been through since the heroes rescued Nyx.

On that, perhaps it might be worth adding some theorizing on how it got into Equestria. Was it an accident, or intentional? At this point Luna will think the Zebra capable of almost anything so it's not a big stretch for her to think this is a bio-weapon attack gone wrong. Especially with a Shaman seemingly trying to cover their tracks.

Exactly. Part of milking the mystery is going to be misdirection and looking down wrong paths, etc. At least it should be. We'll see how much opportunity there is for that. A bio-weapon attack gone wrong is a very plausible speculation, especially if it comes out that this was indeed a zebra bio-weapon which they intended to use against the minotaurs back in the day. And honestly, they wouldn't be wrong... With Storm Shadow's plan, the zebras deliberately brought it into Equestria. It just wasn't... an accident how it got spread. Delicious, isn't it?

Ah Dinky, looking forward to seeing her join the team Nyx could do with some magical backup. Be interesting to see how she finds her niche in the group.

Oh my, yes. Once Dinky is on board, communication between the heroes and Luna will be much more fluid!! You have no idea how critically Dinky's involvement will change the logistics of this story! What has, up until this point, been quite an old-school adventure of being out in remote, undeveloped regions Predator style, unable to so much as send a text message to anyone, will radically change. And of course, the stakes will have to be raised to compensate. Dinky is probably the single most game-changing character addition the story will have at all. Introducing her way back in chapter two was more or less a tease for the reader, just letting them know that she exists and that she has this amazing ability. That was one of my biggest checkhov's guns ever, as by the time we get to chapter 11, the reader has probably forgotten that she exists! Then Whammo! she's brought back and incredibly relevant to the story. In a way, she's my story's Lyta Alexander from Babylon 5.
... yeah holy shit. she is. Lyta appeared in the pilot episode and was gone for two and a half seasons. Then, she comes back and before long, her role as a telepath is instrumental in fighting the Shadow war.

5043725

Please tell me you read chapter ten...

Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye... It's just I've had a history of forgetting details sometimes even those are are very important like the events of chapter ten. Do forgive me memory loss, it can get troublesome sometimes

Um, it was Nyx who change the topic. Not so sure on what you mean...

Perhaps, I've worded it oddly there. I was talking about Nyx changing the topic there...

What they are getting is 2000% cooler.

2000% cooler hah, oh I can't wait to imagine it though

So, yeah, this thing with Twilight being overprotective has to go. To do that, I needed to bring it to a head so that Luna could help her get past it. From this moment, Twilight knows that she needs to let go when it comes to Nyx. She won't be such a worry freak in the future, even though Nyx will be in more peril as the story goes on. Ifeellikethis is a better technique than just having Twilight worry the whole story long. The scene provided a nice way to handle that.

And it's a good thing you did, because while I can understand a mother's worry, having to read it constantly would get stale overtime

(As demonstrated by PrinceUniversa, thank you )

I really don't deserve this thanks... But I digress, yeah I was able to catch on to it and well, I can see the details coming in my head (even though I may end up forgetting about this whole experience again ). Letting Celestia not read it was definitely a smart move considering my reaction and how I interpret what happened from there on (which even for me, is rather discomforting ) The emotional punch was done well. I can see their expressions clearly like I was a part of the meeting. I tend to imagine myself into the story and well, yeah you can where I'm getting at

5043531 Still waiting for your thoughts.

5047328
Apologies. I forgot.
Have some handy-dandy suggestions.

“It would seem that poison joke has become somewhat bored with merely getting a laugh,” Luna replied. “This pony is known for having a particular love of hard cider. The term his family used was ‘drank like a fish’. I am told that after coming into contact with poison joke, he grew a pair of gills on his neck, and his lungs stopped working. He panicked and passed out. Thankfully he was with a pegasus who understood what had happened. She flew him to a lake to save his life. He is currently in the hospital in a water tank. Nopony has any idea how to cure him.”

He'd asphyxiate long before anypony realised what was wrong and got him to a large body of water, outside of extremely contrived circumstances. Having somepony straight-up die would also carry a bigger impact, I think.
Oh, and if you do decide to keep it as-is, then add a comma after 'thankfully'.

well, that only someone who truly enjoyed it would do

That's extremely leading.
You tend to do a lot of leading - maybe you should take up dog-training

Nyx glanced at her mother, who was sitting to Flitter’s right. This was the look on her face which Nyx was hoping to avoid earlier. Twilight shifted her gaze from Flitter to Nyx and wore one of those looks as if to say ‘This is a lot more serious than you let on.’ Earlier in Nyx’s life, that same look would have said ‘You’re grounded, young lady’. She knew Twilight had a million questions to ask.

Chop.

You have done so much for Equestria, Twilight. Now, it is time to let the next generation bear the burden

Twilight is, what, 35? Hardly old. I would've thought that she'd be ticked off by the implication that she was past it, given how much Twilight relies on being capable as a self-esteem thing.

Nyx is going to have a very important role

How? Nyx hasn't done anything important yet, and Luna's plans amount to stopping her from going crazy and destroying the world.
Oh, and this line should be more about Nyx being in danger, to better fit with the rest of the paragraph.
And some stuff from the Gdocs comments, transferred to the friendlier format of Fimfic forums:

Nyx felt horribly

So she's bad at feeling things?
()
OK for reals this time

Nyx felt horribly for snapping at her mother

Grammar question:
When describing "feeling" do you use an adjective or an adverb? A feeling can be a noun. But feeling is also a verb. In this sentence, it seems to be a verb - "Nyx felt".

I, uh...don't actually know. Grammar has become so ingrained in how I read that I frequently can't tell you why something is technically incorrect, just that it feels off. I'd consult TundraStanza or Google, whichever is more convenient.
Talk about embarrassing...

'not really useful in a fight' is not an independent clause.

movers-not is not a word, and hyphenation in dialogue is not good grammar.
In all seriousness, a semicolon feels to be the right conversational pause there, to me anyway.

Dinky

Can Nyx teleport? It seems odd that Twilight wouldn't teach Nyx her signature spell, but being able to use it as Twi does plus Nyx's other abilities might be pretty OP. It could have a charge-up time that makes it impractical for combat, I suppose...

That would almost be like asking Rarity to come along.

Rarity is actually pretty badass in canon. She knows martial arts (see her trying to kick Aj's face in during Return of Harmony and beating up changelings during Canterlot Wedding) and is more than willing to knuckle down and rough it when things get serious. So, uh... yeah, Rarity is no pushover. Fluttershy is the only member of the mane six who's not mission-compatible at all.
Nyx would be more likely to compare bringing Dinky along to taking one of her other friends anyway, rather than one of Twilight's. Either Twist or Sweetie Belle, depending on what interpretation of Sweetie you're going to use.
And a big-ish conversation from the comments about power levels and such.
Recon:

Perhaps someone could ask about the zebra who had the balefire egg. Since they are uncommon, what might the rank be of this zebra? What was HE doing in Equestria? What was his fighting style, etc. Because Nyx was outmatched in that particular fight. Ironically, the balefire egg may have saved her life.

Me:

I can buy an elite being more skilled than Nyx in close combat, but doesn't she also have powerful magic and the ability to fly on top of being rather durable? Her losing that fight outright seems unlikely.

Recon:

Hmm, perhaps. The lack of flight is a pretty serious disadvantage, even if Nyx is much less skilled in combat. But as the story progresses, Nyx is going to grow in strength and skill. Later, she's going to get in a fight with Razor, and it still needs to be balanced at that stage (end of act two). Razor will have a number of tricks we haven't seen yet as well.

Me:

Why does Nyx need to be exactly as strong as Razor? There's plenty of ways events could play out to even the odds if she's stronger.

Recon:

Well, she'd be stronger physically. Like in a hoof wrestling match, or a cart pulling contest. But she's MUCH less skilled.

Me:

I meant in relation to your comment that they were 'balanced' in combat. I don't mean actual muscle strength.

Your comment indicates that they would fight each other to a standstill. I'd play it so Nyx would win a direct, fair confrontation pretty easily but Razor plays dirty to even the odds.

He'd asphyxiate long before anypony realised what was wrong and got him to a large body of water, outside of extremely contrived circumstances. Having somepony straight-up die would also carry a bigger impact, I think.

Hmm... I guess the thought was that if he was with someone when it happened, they would see the gills and then rush to a nearby lake.

However... you're right in that if he died from the poison joke, this does carry a whole lot of weight. It would show the initial emergence of killing joke which ultimately turned Fluttershy into a tree (for the second time since my verse combines with Past Sins ) I guess I thought it'd be amusing to think of a pony being confined to an aquarium and everyone trying to figure out what to do about it.

That's extremely leading.

Hm?? I'm not sure what you mean by that. The point here is that Flitter is using this to describe the severity of something. It's effective because it immediately draws the mental image. She's not trying to be "leading" whatever that means. She's trying to communicate just how awful the scene was without resorting to dry, clinical, objective descriptions. This is kind of like Applejack's "countryisms". It's phrases meant to use our imagination to get the job done more effectively than extended prose. In a lot of your edits, I've noticed that you tend to edit out my deliberate colloquialisms. As an objectivist myself, these are hard-earned attempts at making the prose more colorful with hints of humor. It does not come naturally for me.

One thing I'll grant, I suppose, is that it's much more likely for Nyx to use a colloquialism than Flitter.

I'd consult TundraStanza or Google, whichever is more convenient.

Hear that, Tundra? You just got put on par with a computational powerhouse that has 40 petaflops of CPU power, sorting through 15 exabytes of data!

movers-not is not a word, and hyphenation in dialogue is not good grammar.

It's not a hyphen. It's an em dash, which is a punctuation wildcard that can be used to replace commas, semicolons, colons, and parentheses. It's also useful for indicating that a thought was cut off mid-stream.

However, a semicolon needs two independent clauses which it separates. In the case in question, it would be an error.

Can Nyx teleport? It seems odd that Twilight wouldn't teach Nyx her signature spell, but being able to use it as Twi does plus Nyx's other abilities might be pretty OP. It could have a charge-up time that makes it impractical for combat, I suppose...

Nope, Nyx cannot teleport. Nyx is not multi-talented like her mother. Basically, in my universe's metaphysics model (as demonstrated in Littlehorn), unicorns are naturally gifted in one or two areas of magic. The only thing which I give to every unicorn is levitation, as that is not a spell. There is also shield casting which probably 75% of the unicorns can do, but in varying degrees of strength. Everything else is dependant on the unicorn's area of expertise. For multi-talented unicorns like Twilight or Windy Scarlet, their overall throughput is lower than specialized unicorns, but their diversity more than makes up for it in usefulness. Twilight is a special case since she is both multi-talented and quite powerful. Hence her unique status in the show.

By contrast, Nyx's natural talent comes from her combat role. She can project a beam weapon similar to Nightmare Moon (since... she's Nigthmare Moon and all). Apart from that, she's got levitation and shields like most everyone else. The key difference, though, is that her abilities are going to grow over the course of the story due to her transformation. This allows me to increase her capabilities in a measured fashion as the story requires it, rather than giving her a bag of OP tricks from the get-go like AlchemyStudent did.

Rarity is no pushover.

Hmm...

Fluttershy is the only member of the mane six who's not mission-compatible at all.

Yeah, and we've seen that when push comes to shove, even she shoves back...

I guess i compared her to Rarity because I've already modeled Dinky's personality somewhat after Rarity, minus the pretentious qualities. Dinky doesn't mind getting dirty, but she's every bit as refined as Rarity in how she treats others. A real classy young lady who doesn't view herself as any better than anyone else.

Nyx would be more likely to compare bringing Dinky along to taking one of her other friends anyway, rather than one of Twilight's. Either Twist or Sweetie Belle, depending on what interpretation of Sweetie you're going to use.

Ahh, I see what you were getting at there. Well, I'd rather use Sweetie Belle in that case, since the readers are much more likely to know what she's like. Twist is too ambiguous.

And a big-ish conversation from the comments about power levels and such.

Your comment indicates that they would fight each other to a standstill. I'd play it so Nyx would win a direct, fair confrontation pretty easily but Razor plays dirty to even the odds.

That's fine... I'm not really firm on how it needs to be set up at this point. Mostly, I do have to keep a close eye on Nyx's progression through the story. And since she'll be getting stronger over the course of Act Two, it needs to be balanced so that she's not outright killed when she first meets Razor at the end of Act One (coming up) but also that she doesn't outright kill Razor at the end of Act Two... Plans are also currently to have Daisy get seriously wounded in that particular fight, to the point where she bows out of the action and retires. That's when Nyx finds out about Dusty. Daisy won't have much of a role in Act Three probably. Her role as initial mentor for Nyx won't need to stretch that far into the story.

Regarding the zebra leader in Portents of Darkness, if you read how that fight goes, Nyx wasn't doing that well. I'm trying to play up the fact that a zebra Elite is a significant threat even to Nyx. If not for this class of zebra soldier, Nyx would just run around in god-mode with not much tension to offer during the two fights she has with Razor.

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Regarding our aqua-pony, I always thought that given how wierd Equestria has always been that its folks are more prepared for strange happens than we are. I guess that's how it went completely past me

On to the Zebra Elite and Nyx. I was thinking of these problems in one of my story ideas 'just how does one overcome a magical opponent armed only with their hooves?'
I thought of some possible tactics the Zebra might employ to even the odds.
1. On contact the Zebra will likely focus their blows on a unicorns head as they try and knock out or concuss their opponent and disable their spell casting. Of course snapping their horn is always a possibility.
2. Constantly pressing the attack would force Nyx into a defensive stance thus limiting her casting options. Though being able to fly gives her a way to control the engagement.
3. An Elite may have been alchemically enhanced much like Littlepip was, giving them stronger bones, muscle-mass etc.
4. Combat drugs. Earlier version of the Fallout drugs are likely to exist making the Elite briefly more potent; Dash, Stampede etc.

These could make the fight more dynamic. It depends on how far you want to portray combat. Of course dirty tricks can always come onto play, Razor will be a cunning opponent.

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I was thinking of Razor having an assortment of gadgets that would give a certain advantage. Maybe a stealth cloak and enchanted equipment. Kind of like Batman how he doesn't have any superpowers but he's still quite a badass.

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Absolutely. Batman is a pretty good analogy of him. It does make me think of how Razor operates, his combat style is an excellent window into his character

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The zebra martial arts are evidently pretty effective if we are to consider Xenith from Fo:E. She was able to defeat pretty much anyone in 1v1 combat. There's not a whole lot of indication how she got that good either, iirc. I suppose it's possible that some of the advanced techniques these guys in my story use worked their way down through the generations.

I'm really not entirely sure how the fights will be choreographed. I usually make it up on the fly and then refine it until it looks good. It's difficult to plan that kind of stuff in advance.

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We can cross that bridge when we come to it Combat is a tough one as its very situational so you can't plan out events ahead. Though if you know both combatants mindset prior it'll come easier to you

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She was able to defeat pretty much anyone in 1v1 combat

...sounds distressingly similar to a melee-build Fallout protag. What was the justification?

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Justification? I don't recall. Oh, you haven't read the story yet, have you?
Littlepip ends up in a slaver compound and is put into an arena to compete and provide entertainment for the crowd as she is likely killed. Ponies in the holding cell are successively sent to fight the zebra slave Xenith. They all fail because she's incredibly badass at hoof to hoof combat. She can hit a pony in a certain nerve that paralyzes them before she finishes them off.

Littlepip ends up fighting her but not getting killed. Instead, LP devises a way for them both to escape. They make a break for it and get out of the slaver compound together. LP also suffers a magical burnout in this scene, which is where I got the idea from regarding burnouts in my story. Xenith joins Littlepip and her gang of misfits for the rest of the story.

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Ooh. Sounds neat.
By 'beat anyone 1v1' you don't mean charging across open ground tanking (or magically dodging) bullets to beat armed raiders to death, right? That would be silly.
(Working on a response to 5047770 your response. Insert generic Inception joke here.)

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You know... between Kkat's implausibility and Past Sins' prose, one would think a story like mine would do pretty well. Sadly, success on fimfiction is not determined by anything I have control over.

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Hm?? I'm not sure what you mean by that

I meant that it feels odd that Flitter would put it like that. At this stage the characters are still putting the pieces together, and having a supposedly logically-minded person assume intent from something with so many possible explanations feels a little like she's jumping to conclusions.
'Leading' means that the author is driving the reader and/or the characters towards a particular conclusion, which happens all the time and is perfectly justifiable, as long as it remains unobtrusive. It's generally not a good idea to have the characters immediately figure out the correct solution from limited data if you're going for a mystery subplot. This conclusion that Flitter has reached isn't that far-fetched, but I still think that it's not a good idea for it to be so blatantly stated when they have such tentative evidence.

Apart from that, she's got levitation and shields like most everyone else

Mmmm. The problem with that - other than messing with the science-equivalency of unicorn magic - is that it kinda makes it feel like Nyx has been in stasis for the past 15 years. You've done an excellent job so far of showing how her relationships have developed, and Pen Stroke-canon Nyx's personality is somewhat malleable, as we discussed. It feels like her skills, however, have remained pretty much exactly the same. In fact, she now knows less magic than she did in Past Sins, somehow. What was she studying in school for all that time, embroidery? Plus Nyx never used that beam spell in Past Sins, and it's generally not a particularly interesting ability. C'mon, beam spam? You can do better than that.
Giving almost every unicorn shields was an odd choice, given how powerful that ability could be and how, canonically, only Twilight, Cadence and Shining Armour have used them. What was the reasoning there?

Well, I'd rather use Sweetie Belle in that case, since the readers are much more likely to know what she's like. Twist is too ambiguous.

I suppose. The problem with that is that Sweetie is...not particularly feminine, unlike her sister.

Nyx wasn't doing that well.

Well, duh. She was caught off-guard by a very strong melee opponent, while in close range. I don't buy for a second that she was incapable of winning that fight, though. Unless zebra elites are literally high-level Fallout protagonists specced for melee and unarmed combat, with a permanent Turbo/Jet effect.

Her role as initial mentor for Nyx

That's Daisy's role? I thought that she was just a particularly badass secondary character. You have all the princesses lying around waiting to act as mentors - why not use one of them?

If not for this class of zebra soldier, Nyx would just run around in god-mode with not much tension to offer during the two fights she has with Razor.

Dude. Duuuude.

Nyx would just run around in god-mode

Guns? Injuries levelling the playing field?
Besides, as I already said (sort of), having Razor be a somewhat outmatched badass who uses tactics and smarts to even the odds makes for a more competent villain than one who can kill the hero easily for most of the story, but chooses not to until the hero has grinded enough XP to make it a fair fight.
I'm not super familiar with the exact circumstances under which either fight happen, though. Could you quickly set the scene there? There's a fair chance that'll shut down my criticism immediately, as history has taught me.