I see that a few people have already joined the group as editors.
Now would be a good time to start editing the story.
The goal of this thread is to post both general and specific comments regarding the story. I suggest to everypony that specific comments have citations with the chapter and paragraph that they relate to.
I really am looking forward to editing Hour of Twilight.

Sincerely,
Grendeer

Hour of Twilight Chapter 1 Review

I’ll be reviewing these chapters in five parts. First, I’ll examine the plot’s quality; second, I’ll look at the emotional impact; third, I’ll look at character consistency; fourth, I’ll scrutinize the tone; fifth, I’ll provide references to any typos and an overall grade for the chapter. These comments are my own opinion and do not reflect the original intentions of the author. These reviews are designed solely as a way for the author to improve their story and thus improve the reader’s enjoyment of the story.

Chapter 1: Destruction

As plots go this one is pretty good. When I look at the spectrum of FIMfiction out there I would place this one in the same ballpark as “Cupcakes” and “The Rainbow Factory”, but not because this story is saddening and gory, rather because it is dark and creepy. This story gives me the willies, and I can’t wait for the plot to develop. The suspenseful style of storytelling is greatly appreciated, and the way that the author gives away so little while setting up so much makes me very hungry for more.
After reading this chapter through the first time I felt like I just got sucker punched. Twilight Sparkle is evil? You say what now, with who? So I read it again and the same feelings resurfaced. The way that the author uses the tragic murder of an entire village to set up just how bad things are going to get (?) has my head spinning. Also, the author made me actually want to hate evil Twilight. I have a soft spot for Twilight and anything she does I thoroughly scrutinize. Reading about her murdering innocents (which is one thing in books that drives me up a wall) brings up a genuine feeling of hatred towards the character. All that to say: I wonder what kind of suffering the author is going to put Twilight and the rest through before the story catches up to the events of Destruction?
The character is very consistent. Twilight Sparkle is the only character that gets any kind of noticeable development in this chapter, and she remains consistent through the jump from future to present. The fully developed, vile, Hitlery Twilight of the future is the same Twilight of the present, except, that present Twilight has not made her move yet. I really want to see what happens next, because future events appear to be shaping into a roller coaster ride of a story. I just hope that Twilight doesn’t end up dead, for that matter, I hope that none of the other primary show characters get maimed because that would really damage my enjoyment of the story (unless it is supremely well done).
The tone is, in a word, foreboding. Foreboding in the senses that we, the readers, know that Twilight is going to commit at least one terrible act, and that, as far as we know, nopony is even aware of the coming evils. A great cloud of uncertainty and anxious waiting is hanging over the plot, and all that has me greatly anticipating the next chapter and the future development of the story.
Now for the nitpicking. The typos I spotted are as follows: comeback to come back; delete the double period in the third line (Paragraph 2). Insert a comma before and in the first line as the phrase after it is a complete thought on its own; also, the final two sentences could be combined into “She had a long horn that glowed with a blood red aura, she also had the wings of an Alicorn.” (Paragraph 6) Paragraph 7 would probably flow better if it read something like (beginning in line 2), “Instead of a normal white, her eyes were glowing green, and her pupils were dark red. Power manifested from her eyes as a dark purple cloud emanating from their corners. She walked toward the unicorn, and, when she was standing over him, she opened her mouth to speak revealing pointed fangs." Paragraph 8 needs to have a comma starting the second quotation. Paragraph 9 will flow better if Twilight said something like, “I see the potential of this filly. . .," and don’t space after the open quotes. Put a comma after Oh in Paragraph 11. In Paragraph 12, change the period after “his ear” into a comma and insert a space between the sentence and the open quotation mark. Paragraph 13 just needs a comma before "but." Put a comma inside the quotations after "Aperi." Finally, in Paragraph 14, I suggest the following rephrasing: She passed a dark crown that had a symbol etched into it. The symbol was to be hers in the near future, for it was the Dark Crystal. Also, change King to Kingdom unless she was speaking directly to somepony, if this is the case, then make sure the audience knows this. I counted line breaks as the beginning of a new paragraph, and I only say this to guarantee that you find the errors I mention without too much trouble.
Remember that these comments are my own opinion, and it is ultimately up to the author what changes, if any, are implemented. The final component of my review is the grade: B+. While not perfect, this chapter doesn’t have any earth shattering problems and is certainly worthy of the effort needed to create, edit, and read it, which is not all that much, by the way. Excellent work, Shining Moonlight, I am very much impressed with this story so far.

Glad this is done.

Sincerely,
Grendeer

wow grendeer literally checked evrything i have nothing i think that needs editing that he didn't say

3488771 Why thank you. I'm glad that the energy was well used.

Well, this took way too long to do. I apologize for my lateness, but life kept me very distracted. As before, I’ll be reviewing this chapter in light of character consistency, emotional impact, plot quality, tone, and (my least favorite part actually) typos. The grade will be at the top this time around with an accompanying rationale. Well, I’m done rambling, here we go.

Chapter 2: Alliances

The overall grade for this chapter is a B+. The typos in this one were a great deal more proliferate. That, or I just noticed them more because of the new system I used. The rest of the elements are right where they need to be, for the most part. That is with the exception of the character portrayals as I don’t think that Celestia would just let Twilight walk all over her like she does here. Keep in mind that this is all my opinion, so it’s ultimately up to you if the changes I suggest here are implemented. The key to writing is to not make the same mistakes more than a few times.

I. Tone

I find the overall tone quite disturbing. From the fact that Celestia seems to be much frailer than she is depicted in the canon, to the fact that nopony is even the slightest bit aware of what in Tartarus is going on. The dark tone of the story is still very much intact because the same sense of foreboding is being maintained. I honestly get a sense that something very, very evil is coming to Equestria.

II. Plot Quality

As I alluded to above, the plot of the story is stoically marching onward. The suspense is being built up, and the fact that Twilight is a traitor is thoroughly driven home. I find the idea of Twilight being a dark princess very intriguing, but I’m left with questions. How did she meet Sombra? Why is she evil? When did she get fangs? Why is Luna completely absent? I ask all these things because I find it confusing that the gentlest, most pure of heart mare in Equestria is now a cold-blooded killer. As I said in the last review, something major must have happened to make her choose evil. What are the circumstances of the Twilight/Sombra love thing? My other questions are more cosmetic than anything else. Luna’s absence does need to be explained, but keep in mind that she’s a fan favorite so the reason must be well crafted.

III. Emotional Impact

This chapter doesn’t leave me feeling like I’ve just been in a fight like the last one did. Rather, this chapter leaves me feeling drained, as if the light in the world is being slowly snuffed out, and nopony can even hope to resist. Hope is fading fast as I watch Equestria being pushed unrelentingly toward annihilation. I can’t help but cry a little inside as I read Pinkie’s reaction. I also feel my hatred of evil Twilight growing as she is so disrespectful to her teacher and friends. I also don’t forget that she is having an AFFAIR with Sombra. That little tidbit had my head spinning for awhile. Then there’s Sombra and Chrysalis. Do I detect a love triangle forming? Overall, this chapter leaves me feeling tired because there’s a ton of ground to cover in the lore being set up.

IV. Character Consistency

This area is very difficult to accurately judge. I find it so difficult because Dark Twilgiht (as I’ll be calling her from now on) is far too harsh with her closest friends and allies. She must be so far gone down the path of evil that the only step left is to openly manifest her true nature. I’m curious as to how she got so twisted, and if there will be redemption at some point. Celestia’s depiction, however, I have a problem with. She is just too weak. Unless this weakness is explained in the next chapter, it is a glaring inconsistency. The real Celestia wouldn’t let anypony walk on her, ever. Aside from that, the character depictions aren’t too off base, although I would love to know when this story is occurring in the canon’s timeline. Once a set point is determined for the story, I have no doubt that my complaints about character depictions will evaporate.

V. Typos

I really don’t like this part, but I must be thorough and consistent. *Sigh* I’m going to use italics for phrase or sentence corrections, while individual word corrections will be red.
Paragraph 1: Her followers following is redundant. If reworded into something like, The mare leads her two minions as they go deeper into the cave then the redundancy actually serves to deepen the plot (just a little.).
Paragraph 2: Add her between behind and were.
Paragraph 3: Insert “. . . you asked of me, my King of Nightmares.”
Paragraph 4: You may want to clarify his voice trailing off at the end of his second statement.
Paragraph 5: Can be fused with 4 if you use a transition phrase like After a brief pause he continued. Twilight’s reaction should be in the section where she actually talks.
Paragraph 6: Do you want past tense calmed or present tense calm.
Nice use of a Harry Potter reference.
Too many ellipses. As a single period or other form of punctuation unless the character is trailing off is all you need. Otherwise, you need to specify. Readers only know what you tell them, although most can read between the lines.
Paragraph 11: Let me think seems a little out of place. A good substitute would be Let me guess. Also double check to make sure that complete thoughts are separated by the comma/conjunction structure, a semi-colon, or they are divided into their own sentences. Examples here are investigate, and; yourself, and (or “; you want me”). Rewording She flared her wings out and tucked them in and started preening them into Twilight flares her wings out to make them easier to preen would work much better. Replace the final ellipse with something else.
Paragraph 13: Try something like They left Twilight’s chambers and went to the courtyard. A carriage was waiting for them there.
Paragraph 14: Delete and, replace it with , growling. The next sentence is just clunky. Abbreviating it into, Twilight gave the guards an unspoken command, and they released the mares, improves the flow.
Paragraph 15: Insert as before she added. Stood should be read. Snuck should be sneaked. Was should be were. When quotes appear within other quotes they look like this ‘. . .’.
Paragraph 18: Insert a comma before direct references to characters. Was patrolling can be replaced with were near. That was still standing doesn’t need to be there. The first ellipse needs to be replaced with something else. The second one is appropriate.
Paragraph 20: Always start a new line when the speaker changes in conversation. I know it’s tedious, but this simple mistake stopped my story from being approved the first time around.
Paragraph 21: You need to specify who is speaking when multiple speakers are in a dialogue.
Paragraph 22: Did you mean to put in a second light. Delete the a before white.
Paragraph 23: Then to them. Bright to brightly.
Paragraph 24: Queen needs to be plural unless there really was only one former Queen. Another direct reference comma is needed here too.
Paragraph 25: She to Her. You may want to replace fell to his knees and but with fell to his knees, bringing his forehooves. Fore hooves is one word, just like forearm. I know Word doesn’t like it, but the spell-checker also doesn’t like Celestia. Change the and after yowled to an. It’s to its.
I'm counting the letter as Paragraph 27.
Paragraph 27: If Sombra was once in love with her, shouldn't he say that he remembered his love for her?
Paragraph 28: Where else would the dagger come from aside from her armor? All you need is Chrysalis brought her dagger out. The as before Chrysalis to where. Her to his where you are describing his eyes. Consider replacing disgusted look with just disgusted.
Paragraph 30: She stormed out of the room to the Crystal Square, yowling the retreat. Also, They met in the Crystal Mountains every day at twilight.
Paragraph 31: . . . her father had killed her mother. . . Him before her, sorry but that’s the rule. A question popped in Chrysalis’ head.
I really, really don’t like typo-proofing. It makes me feel like I’m being overly critical, it also make me fell kinda like this . Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Anyway, that’s my review. I hope it helps, and I also hope to see this story blossom into something amazing.
I really should stop writing these late at night when I'm exhausted from my day.

Sincerely,
Grendeer.

Honestly, I really need to pay more attention to this story. The past few weeks have been a little chaotic because my family is getting ready to move to a new house, fortunately we’re staying in the same city. I also started my fourth semester of college last week. Between college and my two part time jobs, I often find myself not feeling energized enough to write these. No worries though because I’ll definitely be doing these chapter reviews within a week of the chapter going up.

Chapter 3: Betrayal

Overall this chapter is an A-. I didn’t spot as many typos/formatting errors this time around. I’m still finding it a little difficult to believe that Celestia is not as strong in this tale as she is in the canon. I’m enjoying this story more and more with each new story.

I. Tone

This chapter’s tone seemed more focused on suspense rather than emotion. The progression is one betrayal to another, hence the title, that leads me (as a reader) to feel like I’m watching someone hang off the edge of a cliff. The way that the action smoothly transitions from sequence to sequence leaves me wanting to read what happens next. This is masterfully done my friend.

II. Plot Quality

The quality of this chapter is slightly lower than the previous ones. Perhaps my bias is showing here, but this chapter seems to be more filler than substance. The sharp, but still smooth, transitions take the reader from one track of thought to the next, but the characters aren’t really given too much development. The addition of Prince Thorn was a surprise to me. I did not expect a love interest to be introduced. Unfortunately for Thorn, I already dislike him greatly. The fact that he is currently being a royal scumbag, in more ways than one, shows him to be truly despicable. The aftermath scene midway through the chapter could have used more details in it, such as, what did the rest of the Mane Six think or do, and how did Twilight react when Celestia identifies the dark mark. The miniscule details will make the difference between an interesting fimfiction, and a fimfiction that will set the bar for others to follow.

III. Character Consistency

Young Chrysalis and Young Sombra are depicted in a way that makes sense to me. Since I am around the same maturity level as they are, I can actually understand their actions a little. Their impulsive behavior fits well with the young adult mindset and behavior patterns that I have both observed and performed myself. Dark Twilight continues to be an incorrigible villain. I patiently, yet anxiously, await the full picture as to why she is Dark Twilight.
Modern Sombra is just as conniving (?) as I remember him, but there isn’t much to go on in regards to his character. He appears in all of one episode, and in that episode he is literally a shadow. Mordern Chrysalis isn’t too bright, and that’s a small problem. Here’s why. Chrysalis was smart enough to not only assume the figure of a Princess, but she was also able to convincingly portray the Princess enough to fool Shining Armor and Twilight. It took serious deduction for Twilight to figure out that Cadence was a fake (something that completely blindsided me). So if Chrysalis is smart enough to mastermind an infiltration/invasion that almost defeated Equestria, then why does she end up getting captured so easily?
Since Prince Thorn is an OC, all I have to say is that he must be a deep, interesting character, not just a piece of cardboard set up for the author’s/reader’s enjoyment.
Rarity definitely seems in character for a grown mare, but Celestia still seems a little too frail for my taste. Maybe this next comment is bias, but I think that the other four members of the Mane Six should have a more active role in the story, so far all I know is that they’re present, but they don’t do or say anything on their own. As far as questions go, I have one final question for this round. Where is Luna?

IV. Emotional Impact

This chapter is just satisfying. Many questions are answered, and more are exposed. AS a reader, I greatly hunger for more, but, as a reviewer, I also desire high quality. This chapter doesn’t have the same kind of emotional haymakers that the previous ones do. I can clearly see that this is a transition chapter into the major rising action every good story has. While not the most emotional story, the aftermath scene is well done enough to be believable.

V. Proofing

This is the most unsavory part to editing.
Paragraph 1: Tough to touch. Four to fours. How does “she heard a loud beep” connect with the rest of the sentence? The “and then” construction is a run-on sentence flag. You might want to change “and then”. I personally would change “she was met” to “she was met with the sight of”.
Paragraph 2: All direct speech must have a comma to indicate it. “How dare you betray your king, Chrysalis!” The ending phrase “and let it all go” is a little clumsy. Something like “and released it slowly” would fit better.
Paragraph 4: I know that opening “as” statements are useful and fun, but you use three of them in three paragraphs. That’s a little bit much.
Paragraph 8: “The” isn’t needed separating “between” and “attempts”. Is “threatening” describing “voice” or one of the other adjectives?
Paragraph 9: Maybe a “!” would work better after Chrysalis’ statement. “Second” needs to be plural.
Paragraph 10: “To” would be better as “of”.

Transition to Set 2:

Paragraph 11: It is strongly implied that the bodies are corpses, and since most readers will have read the first chapter already you don’t need to say “dead bodies”. You can end the fifth sentence with “except one”. I think you meant “one of the foal’s foreheads”. “An” will be better as “the”.
Paragraph 12: The double period is a pure typo. Also, isn’t the purpose to having an ally to make one stronger?
Paragraph 13: Rarity’s dialogue needs a tag. Something like, “Rarity said”.
Paragraph 14: Since there’s already a line break you don’t need another one for the carriage bearer’s dialogue. I suggest you merge “She pointed to the green unicorn. . .” with the bearer’s response.
Paragraph 15: Change “and” to “then”. Then you might want to double check your tense, as “shook” is a past tense word. However, “shake” is present tense. You must always space between a comma and the next word. “So” would flow better as “and now so”. This creates two independent clauses that can stand on their own as complete thoughts. You need “has been too” for present tense. This change will help the flow “helped” to “moved”, as well as deleting “and went home to Canterlot”.
Transition to Set 3:
Paragraph 16: You misspelled Chrysalis. I would covert “and seconds later, the Captain . . .” into an independent sentence.
Paragraph 18: “in” should be “within”. Space after the first period. There is another double period.
Transition to Set 4:
Paragraph 19: “Hoofes” is correctly conjugated as “Hooves”.
Paragraph 20: “it’s” is a contraction for “it is”, and you don’t want that for this paragraph. You also use the word “it” too much, I find it difficult to figure out who “it” is referring to. “hearable” is correctly stated as “audible”. Shouldn’t “guard” be capitalized as well?
Paragraph 21: You need a space to separate the beginning of quotations.
Paragraph 23: Spaces are also needed when a quotation is concluded. Much pronoun confusion in the last sentence, there is.
Paragraph 25: I would move “Chrysalis gasped” down to where she is speaking. This portrays that she can barely talk, and that means less writing for you while maintaining the same effect. Watch for tense, as “tried” is past, while “tries” is present. “Assassins’ ” is the way to have both plurality and possession.
Paragraph 27: The phrase “If I could choose, you would already be dead.” is not only more concise but greatly more threatening. Look out for double periods. Double check your spaces and ellipses throughout as many of them of them are nonexistent or unnecessary. “sneaked/sneak” to “stalked/stalk”. Again, a quick double check of word tense throughout would not be remiss. Teleported doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Paragraph 28: Double checking that characters actions are in the same paragraph as their actions, while still maintaining line breaks between speaker changes is also a needed proofing step. Hoofes shows up again. Infact is two words. Correction needs to capitalized. I’m certain you meant “and” instead of “a”. Savage or cruel will be sufficient to describe Dark Twilight’s evil.
Paragraph 29: I personally think “murder” is more appropriate than “kill”. After all, Chrysalis is defenseless. Too many ands.
Paragraph 31: Would not “maliciously” be a more colorful descriptor of the Prince’s laugh.

Ugh, I’m glad that I do not have to write about as many typos now. That is an indicator of your improvement. I’m also noticing a variety of issues to look at, for which I am grateful. As I’ve said in each of these reviews, it is entirely up to you whether or not the changes I point out are implemented. I’m going to stick closer to this format of the grammar/formatting sections. In case you’re having trouble understanding my system, each indented line break counts as a new paragraph. Un-indented line breaks are going to be labeled as “Dramatic Break”.

3487729
3549672
3613080

Why Grendeer you are mostly thanked for your hard work! I am so sorry I haven't read these reviews sooner but my schedules have been quiet busy and all the time I spent on FimFiction was used to write the fourth chapter which has just been released. Don't worry about keeping the reviews too long though! I don't want to take away too much of your time! Until next time my #1 Editor! See what I did there?

//Shining Moonlight

I’m glad I caught this chapter before the two week mark. Things are starting to settle down for me, so I should be able to keep better tabs on this story. Well, you didn’t come here to read my babbling, on to the review. Note that I’m placing my theories about the story’s inside parentheses statements.

Chapter 4: Mirrors

I’m giving this chapter and A. It’s darn well perfect. Just a few minor typos and adjustments to make it a little more flavorful are needed and it’ll be and A+ (which only means that the chapter is so close to perfection that it should just be named perfect).

I. Tone

This chapter actually has two tones embedded in its framework. The first half is devoted to the horrific experience of the (soon to be dead?) Chrysalis. The hostile environment, the wearing away of her mind, and the gut churning climax are all beautifully executed.
The second, however, does a full 180 degrees from dark, nerve straining horror, to a bright, happy party atmosphere. I’m very grateful for the line of minuses warning of a transition, because otherwise I would have been taken completely off guard. The party is well illustrated, from an execution perspective, and the way that each of the Mane Six is introduced makes for a high quality party.

II. Plot Quality

This is one of my favorite types of chapters. This chapter exists to thicken the plot, to pull the reader in ever further. I find myself chewing away on my fingernails, metaphorically speaking, as I read through the Chrysalis ark. Then I grin at the happy-go-lucky attitudes of the ponyfolk. The fluid introductions to each of the Mane Six’s respective families leaves me with a sense of fulfillment, as if I have witnessed the logical and right end to their respective story arks.
The fact that the next chapter very clearly is going to finally answer one of my primary concerns with this story is a huge plus to this chapter’s appeal. The feeling I have is like when a child knows that cake is going to be following the broccoli. I am not saying this chapter is broccoli, quite the contrary. This is a savory portion in the main course of the story, and I greatly enjoyed reading through it.

III. Character Consistency

I really don’t have much to say for character consistency. Chrysalis behaves exactly as she would in this situation, the creepy Gollum-like character that (murders?) her is petrifying to think about. Cadence is very well written. The depiction here is spot on. I know that it is challenging to write characters that are not fully understood, but that is not what happened here. Celestia being completely wrecked by revisiting her sister’s quarters is completely understandable as well. Then there’s Dark Twilight. In one line, I find myself wondering: What is she planning? When is she going to destroy the world? When will she be cured? Will she even be cured? Question after question. Well done sir.

IV. Emotional Impact

I have only one thing to say. Curse you Twilight!! My hatred for Dark Twilight continues to grow as I watch the consequences of her treachery unfold in front of me. I so very badly want to see her brought to justice, yet I can’t help but wonder how much more tantalizing this story shall become before that final climax.

V. Proofing

There isn’t much to put here, happily enough for me. I have expressed repeatedly how much I detest this part, but it is a necessary inconvenience for me, because by being thorough in this section the story is made that much better.

Paragraph 2: “Sunk” is past tense. If you are writing in present tense you need “sank”. I would replace “found” with “discovered”. This lends variety to the word choice, and helps maintain reader interest. “Time” is unnecessary. I suggest “there” to “imprisoned”. “Had” is also past tense. IF you are writing in past tense, then you’re good, but if you are writing in present tense, then the entirety of the Chrysalis account needs to be double checked.

Paragraph 3: You don’t need a comma after it!. Nice description of the whisper, do that more often.

Paragraph 4: “Even near” would sound better as “even conceived” or as “formed”. Also, is the ancient Changeling language based off Spanish? Just curious.

Paragraph 5: “Where” should be “were”. You need “like” in between “seemed” and “endless”.

Paragraph 6: “She shot” would be better as “she threw”. “Making it ring” would be better as “ringing”. This is less wordy and actually more powerful. “Tightening it until she squealed”. “That” to “which” (better word choice). “Lout” to “out”. How would the belly wound not leave her immediately weakened? Was it a shallow cut?

Paragraph 7: “Was” to “were” for the first two instances. “Walk” to “walking”.

Paragraph 8: “As there” to “at the”. This adjustment will make “was a” unnecessary. Always space after periods.

Paragraph 10: You need a comma after “Oh”. In this paragraph and in Paragraph 9, I would suggest that you move the reactions of speakers to where they are actually about to speak.

Paragraph 12: I would suggest capitalizing Earth Ponies. “And then” to “before”. In most cases, a substitute for “and then” is preferable. “That was dancing” to “who was dancing”. Trenderhoof’s dialogue can be tacked onto the end of this paragraph as he is the only one speaking in this paragraph, had Celestia spoken, then you would need the line break.

Paragraph 14: “His wife” is a parenthetical statement. It should look like “, his wife,”. “Shores” is possessive. “You” is a very big no-no when writing in third-person. The only time it is acceptable is when you, the author, are speaking directly to the audience. “Antension” to “attention”. “As” to “that”. “And” to “who”. “Captain Shining Armor” should be enclosed in parentheses. Also, it’s been ten years, wouldn’t he have been promoted by now?

Paragraph 16: “Others” is possessive.

Paragraph 17: Is Soarin an abbreviation for Soaring, or is Soarin his actual name? Capitalize both words in Shining Armor’s name, this rule applies to all multiple word names. Too many soons. Substitute some of them for different words to keep the paragraph from stagnating. I would suggest that you insert “who” between “Tri-Pies” and “joined”. Whose them?

Paragraph 18: “Thought” to “through”.

Paragraph 19: And so is also one of those constructs to avoided of possible. I would change “young filly” to “young filly stood”.

I'm so very excited that the proofing section wasn't very big for this chapter. Great job mate.

3640800 Why thank you Grendeer! You are such a dear to help me with all this! I am the kind that makes small mistakes and then doesn't notice them until later!

3667347
I enjoy working as an editor. I never knew that tearing someone's baby limb-from-limb could be so much fun. (I'm joking by the way) It really is good to know that I'm helping shape what will be an amazing story.

Here's the next review, and sorry about taking two months (!!!) to get it up. School has really kept me distracted this semester.

Well, this took way too long, again. I do apologize for the delay in getting this review up. IRL stuff has been getting in the way of me sitting down and punching this thing out, so yea, sorry. Let’s get started.

Chapter 5: Darkness Surrounding

This chapter gets a solid A. If it were not for the typos, and (unfortunately) there are a lot of them, then it would get an A+. Overall, I found nothing wrong with Darkness Surrounding. Details are below.

I. Tone

I a word, sadistic. From the “murder” of Twilight Sparkle, to the capture of Sombra, everything in this chapter revolved around causing another pain and enjoying it. Do not get me wrong, this chapter is well written, it is short, and hold no punches. I certainly enjoyed the feeling of “Oh that just happened. I feel . . . sad”. The fact that you managed to get my to feel sad for Sombra is a testament to your skill in this chapter. The overall tone is sadistic, but I detected strong lust vibes as I was reading through. The way that Dark Twilight and Thorn interact is exactly what I would expect in this circumstance, well done.

II. Plot Quality

Wow, just wow. The suspense at the start has me enthralled as I rapidly consume the lines of text. Then the delivery of Sombra’s obsolete goals. Twilight’s playing of Sombra lends all new depth to her character. Her corruption scene is interesting. What does Sombra do to corrupt her? He obviously drew blood, but how, why, how much? Thorn is fleshed out nicely, although I’m still curious as to who his father is. I’m also curious as to how Dark Twilight can be in love with what is essentially an incubus (the male versions of a succubus). How does she know that the love is “real”? Do either of them care? What’s going to happen to Sombra? Is Chrysalis dead? All these questions are swirling me chirping madly. And I am perfectly content to wait for the answer. I still want to know why Celestia is so weak, and why Luna has been absent. And I just noticed this, “leaving the clearing full of blood and lying it it, the crown of Princess Twilight Sparkle …”, and I have to say, wow! You really set up a riddle here. Is the real Twilight dead, or was she tainted by some kind of blood magic? So many questions, I love it!

III. Emotional Impact

In a word, wut? I feel a little blind-sided by the darkness of this chapter. I get the sensation that evil is going to win, and this victory is assured because the ponies who can stop them are oblivious (or powerless) to the situation. I’m in the state where I tensely wait for the next chapter, and unconsciously devour my popcorn rapidly.

IV. Character Consistency

I don’t have much to say about the characters. Dark Twilight is still being a royal pain, and Prince Thorn is still the mystery we were introduced to last chapter. Sombra does seem a little clueless though. If he’s such a bigshot mastermind, then why did Twilight so completely fool him. Surely he would have seen her betrayal coming, and he would have a contingency in place.

V. Typos

Ugh, let’s get this over with, although there isn't much to say in this section.

Paragraph 2: And then is a flag for a run-on sentence. Change it to something like “then” or “after which”. You can also break up the run-on into two sentences. “Hard, cold” is a more impact construction describing the ground (since both words describe the ground). There’s a double period at the end of the paragraph.

Paragraph 5: No need for a comma in between “enormous” and “but”. “He would rush out” can stand on its own as a sentence, therefore, you need a comma before the “and”, unless you make a new sentence here.

Paragraph 6: Try this at the end, it’s less clunky, “‘I am her love, future mate, and king!’ He yelled at Prince Thorn to claim Twilight as his own.”

Paragraph 7: Put a comma after the second “well” that way the reader knows there’s a pause, or the word is drawn out.

Paragraph 11: Comma between “training” and “until”. Try something like this in the next sentence, “I did everything in my power to make you love me. Wow! What a result. How could you not know? I never loved you Sombra.” By the way, too many ellipses. A single period is just as powerful as five, but if you fell that doesn’t work just use “!” or “!?” to expression strong emotion or forceful speech. Don’t go too crazy though.

Paragraph 12: You don’t need an ellipse at the end of this paragraph.

Paragraph 13: The second sentence is a fragment of sorts. It doesn’t seem to belong, try reworking it so that it merges with a neighboring sentence.

Paragraph 15: Comma between “sorry” and “but”. Comma between “banquet” and “and”. Remove the ellipse.

Paragraph 16: “She” needs to be “Celestia”.

Here it is, I know it ain't perfect, but nothing is. Enjoy!