You see, I used to be a Shaventologist. Shameful, I know. But when I joined Beardligion, the results were immediate! I...

...gained a beard!

...started walking on water!

...and gained the mutant ability to command hair follicles, thus able to end the war with the time-traveling cyborg woolly mammoths from the future! Oh, didn't hear about that war? You're welcome.

Also, to prove I'm not some beard poser, here's a pic of me: