1268086

Touching, sad, teary, beautiful, amazing. Wow.

1268100
Off topic but that profile pic must be your dog. He is super cute.

1268086
I'd say a good wow. If that is our bottom line, we're gonna ace this collab.

1268114
Do you mind fixing the errors on grammar with me, sorry I am such a grammar Nazi. XD

Paragraph by paragraph.

1268110

Thanks! It's four different pictures of him.

1268100>>1268114

You people are making me blush. Th-Thanks. Really, you guys are awesome.

1268121
I'll catch what I can, but I'm no proof-reader.

1268130

Thanks.

1268131
Ok, I am not either, I just have a sharp eye.

I will do first three paragraphs to make this go by quicker.

Mama had always picked Timbershy up when it was time to leave their territory in the forest. At first, when Timbershy learned this, she was finicky and unhappy, trying to kick away from Mama as much as she could so that the pack could stay. She always made little animal friends in the different spots of the forest, like the little bear cubs and squirrels that wouldn't let her catch them, so why couldn't she stay and talk to them? It wasn't fair -- it was their territory, Mama had told her so. Why were they leaving like this? It wasn't until Mama started to growl warnings and bite down a little harder that Timbershy stopped resisting.

She still didn't understand it, though. Not until everyone started getting hungry.

It wasn't bad, at first, for Timbershy. Some nights she would curl up next to her mother like she always did, and yawn against Mama's hard, wooden skin like normal... only Mama's stomach would growl. She didn't mind or worry much... but eventually it got to the point where Timbershy's stomach started doing that too. And then, suddenly, everyone's was. It wasn't much, just a little bit of hunger... really, Timbershy hadn't noticed it until her stomach started to cramp all the time, and her Mama always barked at her because she was tired and sore. Then it was bad.

First paragraph nicely introduces to the topic, though, you don't need that many commas, so I just tweaked one little bit. Word choice good for this and it was nicely done. Having the next line just be on sentence like a dramatic scene was really nice.

Nothing much wrong with these paragraphs at most. They were pretty good and the first 1000 words might make someone sad already.

Any thoughts on your side?

1268130
No, you are just an awesome writer.

1268174

Yeah, I can get carried away with the commas sometimes.

1268185

*smiles, and never stops*

1268130>>1268137>>1268131>>1268130
For Timbershy may I write the next part? I am putting Iron's story through Gdocs and MW for corrections.

1268236

Not my decision.

1268234
Just before the final sentence you put a .?

1268234
The problem is once you have read it with the commas, you can't remove them without feeling like there is something you're taking out.

1268236

Fine with me.

1268255

Really? Honestly, the stupid mistakes I make sometimes... I don't even know how that happened.

1268270

Yeah, that's pretty accurate. I will say that I've gotten a lot better about the comma thing, though. It used to be much worse.

1268270>>1268250
So if I write the next part, I will write it til we get down to meeting Derpy. Then after meeting Derpy, (Not changed into a wolf yet,) Someone maybe Chow or Regi depending if they want to, make the part where she transforms to a wolf etc.

Mama had always picked Timbershy up when it was time to leave their territory in the forest. At first, when Timbershy learned this, she was finicky and upsety, trying to kick away from Mama as much as she could so that the pack could stay; she always made little animal friends in the different spots of the forest, like the little bear cubs and squirrels that wouldn't let her catch them, so why couldn't she stay and talk to them? It wasn't fair -- it was their territory, Mama had told her so. Why were they leaving like this? It wasn't until Mama started to growl warnings and bite down a little harder that Timbershy stopped resisting.

She still didn't understand it, though. Not until everyone started getting hungry.

It wasn't bad, at first, for Timbershy. Some nights she would curl up next to her mother like she always did, and yawn against Mama's hard, wooden skin like normal... only Mama's stomach would growl. She didn't mind or worry much... but eventually it got to the point where Timbershy's stomach started doing that too. And then, suddenly, everyone's was. It wasn't much, just a little bit of hunger... really, Timbershy hadn't noticed it until her stomach started to cramp all the time, and her Mama always snarled at her because she was tired and sore. Then it was bad.

But not horrible. It wasn't horrible until a long time later. That night, things were just... terrible. It was normal, at first, like a lot of things but... it was so sudden, and Timbershy still didn't comprehend it...
Timbershy sat by her Mama, behind her large, wooden leg, staring out at the pack. Some of the younger pups were playing in the corner of her eye, pouncing on each other and chewing roughly on each other's ears while the eldest of the pack watched them, laying on their stomachs and panting after a long days work of scouting for food. Mr. Omega, even, was tired and sore, though he was usually playful and loud. Everyone else was gone. Mama hadn't told her where they went, and only told her that they weren't coming back. Ever.

Timbershy missed them.

She looked up at her Mama, so she wouldn't be so sad, because Mama was so beautiful. She was a dark brown, rings cut into her wooden bones to show that she had been alive for years on end, twigs breaking upwards into an upside-down arch on her head to form a crown. Her tail was cut short and stubby, more than half of it snapped off a long time ago, and a blue-green light shimmered off of her body and eyes, sparkling and bright. Eyes which were now staring out into the distance, lost in thought. To Timbershy, she was stunning.

Mama caught Timbershy staring, and looked down at her from the corner of her eye. Timbershy, in turn, yelped and turned to the boys playing to her left. She didn't want to make Mama angry. It was rude to stare.

There was silence, before Mama spoke, "You can go and play with them."

Timbershy looked to the ground, her ears flattening stiffly against her face. The boys were always rough, pinning her and scratching her face. "Oh... um, it's okay. I'll just stay here... I-if that's alright, Mama."

Mama gave a sharp growl. "You won't be able to hunt if you don't learn to play and pounce."

"B-But... hunt? I... I don't know if I can, Mama."

"You can't hunt?" Mama asked, standing from her place and clamping her teeth down on the back of Timbershy's neck. She lifted her from the ground with a slight grunt, and Timbershy whimpered silently to herself at the act. They were leaving again... like always... had Mama told her they were leaving
soon? She couldn't remember. She probably had.

"I... don't know."

Mama stared into space for a few seconds, once again lost in thought and letting Timbershy take in her features. Mama seemed troubled, her ears fidgeting stiffly and the light of her eyes and limbs dimming to a glow. Timbershy thought she almost looked sick... and then Mama was putting Timbershy down again. Maybe they were staying after all...?

"You always wanted to stay?" she growled. "Then stay."

Mama walked away from her, a limp in her step, and slowly began to saunter towards the trees. Everyone in the pack noticed this, their heads turning to attention and their bodies snapping upward and the boys stopping mid-pounce to stare at her. Where was Mama going? Timbershy wished that she knew. All she knew was that Mama was getting everyone to stand up and stay awkwardly still, wondering what was happening. Mama always picked Timbershy up when it was time to leave, so what was she--

"Come on," Mama howled, twisting her head to look at the pack. "We're heading East. There's supposed to be food there, but not much."

Everybody whimpered, looking back and forth between Mama and Timbershy. Their faces were drawn up into confusion and pity, and Timbershy didn't understand why. She still didn't understand when everyone stopped and followed Mama, looking back every few seconds. The pack was staying... wasn't it? Where were they going? To hunt again? That had to be it, right? There was no other explanation -- Mama hadn't carried Timbershy away yet, like she always did. Maybe Mama just wanted her to follow?

Timbershy got up, seeing an older Timberwolf struggling to walk while he panted and limped against a cracked and splintery paw. She bounded over to him, digging her claws into the dirt nervously. He hadn't left yet, maybe he wasn't going to. Maybe she could ask him where the others were headed.
"Oh, um, Mr. Omega?" she asked, her voice a hushed bark. "Wh-Where are you going... if I can ask that, I mean. Am I supposed to go too?"

Mr. Omega, wincing in pain, looked back at her with pity as he curled his paw loose up to his chest. He looked away from her, his eyes brought up to the sky and away from her. "Uh... child, ah... no, I don't think so," he whimpered, slowly twisting away from her.

"Oh? Are you going out to hunt again? Will Mama be back?"

Mr. Omega didn't look back, instead staring forward, to where Mama was disappearing into the bushes and trees. He opened his mouth a few times before closing it again every time. Did he not know? How did he get hurt? Timbershy didn't know anything anymore. "I... child, listen, I..." he stammered. He let out a heavy sigh, turning back to look into her glowing eyes. "No, child. I don't think so. I'm sorry."
She didn't understand anything. Know anything. Why? Why was Mama leaving without her? She wasn't. She couldn't have been. It was a mistake. Mr. Omega didn't know what he was talking about, and Mama would be back. They were just hunting. She just had to stay there. There, like Mama told her.

"Oh," she said. "Thank you, Mr. Omega."

She hated Mr. Omega. He lied. She knew he lied. She didn't bother to try and help him while he limped away. She sat down in that spot when she couldn't see him anymore. She just kept sitting there. For hours. Maybe days even, she couldn't tell -- it was always dark in the forest.
She didn't know anything. Like what time it was. Or where the pack went. Or why she was waiting for so long. Everything started getting blurry after a while, and she couldn't think. Her throat was dry and irritated, her stomach cramping and growling painfully. Where was the food? The water? They just kept repeating, those thoughts, and her mind felt like it was scrambled all throughout her brain.

Where was Mama?

She wasn't coming back.

Why?

She didn't know. She never would. Is that even how that day happened, or did something else happen? Did she forget? She didn't know that, either, or anything. She just remembered that she went to sleep, and when she woke up, there was a river and a dead, bloody squirrel in front of her.
And the pack hadn't caught it for her.

My revisions, feel free to point out any flaws.

1268292
Hey, we all make mistakes in grammar that makes us look dumb. Everone has their Writers blonde moment. XD

1268303

That's pretty good. The only problem is that it looks like the formatting got messed up in a couple spots, but that can be fixed just by pressing the enter key. So yeah, I like it.

1268306

Writer's Blonde Moment. That made me laugh more than it should have.

Also... I noticed you called me a she. How'd you know I was a girl? Did you see my user page? If so... well, thanks!

1268386 Does that mean that I'm the only guy in the Timbershy group?

1268399

Yep. Pretty much.

1268429 Eh, I've got two sisters and no brothers. Happens a lot.

Anyway, back to this story. I tried to add a little bit more vocabulary, but that's about it.

1268303 1268386
Pretty good, you added some extra words and used better ones. I like. If you don't mind here is what I have writing the next part. You could help.

When she first saw the meat she was so tempted to just bite into it, and taste the juicy meat in her mouth she longed for. It could of been Mama who brought it or Mr. Omega. It could of been tainted or someone elses meal and she didn't know. Using the last of her body strength she dragged herself over to the bloody squirrel to examine its remains. From the looks of it it had a clean cut across its neck and the wet blood was still dripping from it. She sniffed it cautiously, but the smell was so precise, it couldn't be real.

It was fresh.

The dead remains of the squirrel just lay on the black decayed grass. It was a mixture of brown and black and patches of grass were empty. She was surrounded by dark oak trees that reached up to the sky, blocking out all sunlight in the forest. She thought she heard noises of screams and growling in the distance and she snapped her head to the right barely lifting upward. The trees were to thick to see through she thought they were coming closer at each second, just wanting to attack her.

She had to eat, she didn't know if it had been a day, or a couple. If she waited longer the meat would get tainted with age and sicken her. It was life or death to her.

1268453

Yeah, and it looks pretty good too. The words you chose got rid of some repetitive sentences without it sounding too clunky... so, if everyone likes that part, and Comet's writing the next part... what exactly will you be writing. All I know is that a bit after Timbershy gets to Ponyville as a pony, the ChangeTwi group wants them to meet and become friends. After that, apparently Derpy will keep Timbershyy as a pet wolf when she turns back? I dunno.

1268488
Well, I wrote the first 200 maybe 100 words on this forum above. It was a draft and might be fixed but that is what I have right now. I agree on what they say and the next part I will write will be when she meets Derpy, but doesn't turn into a wolf yet.

1268488 Let's see where Comet leaves off.

And I got to thinking, could it be permanent? Like she just stays a pony instead of changing back?

1268508>>1268488
I got an idea, how about when she is a pony this happens.

1. She finds her mom, pack as a pony and they don't recognize her or understand her.

2. She finds her pack dead, and her mom dead too.

1268508

I don't know. It could add conflict if Timbershy turned back into a Timberwolf when they started to get close. Then it would be hard to communicate and they would have to find a way for their friendship to pull through.

1268500

into a wolf yet.

You mean a pony? Or am I missing something here?

1268519

I meant pony...

Writers blonde moments strike again!

1268514 I like #2.

1268519 Good point.

1268530
We always go for the sad stuff don't we Silent.

1268514

I like number 2. It would probably be really hard for her -- she would be sad because her family is dead, but at the same time, she'd want to convince herself she doesn't care because they left her to die. Plus, her friends would probably be confused as to why she's sad since they don't know about the Timberwolf thing.

1268536 Well, I have one OC whose parents 'mysteriously' lost their lives in a fire. And another whose special talent put his parents in the hospital.

Yep, I go for sad too much.

1268543
I always go to sad, did you like the first part of my part I did, 100 or 200 words.

1268552 It's good and adds a little bit of mystery to the story.

1268542
Did you check my beginning yet?

1268577

Uh... where is it?

1268602 The lenghtier post above

1268602
Here,

When she first saw the meat she was so tempted to just bite into it, and taste the juicy meat in her mouth she longed for. It could of been Mama who brought it or Mr. Omega. It could of been tainted or someone elses meal and she didn't know. Using the last of her body strength she dragged herself over to the bloody squirrel to examine its remains. From the looks of it it had a clean cut across its neck and the wet blood was still dripping from it. She sniffed it cautiously, but the smell was so precise, it couldn't be real.

It was fresh.

The dead remains of the squirrel just lay on the black decayed grass. It was a mixture of brown and black and patches of grass were empty. She was surrounded by dark oak trees that reached up to the sky, blocking out all sunlight in the forest. She thought she heard noises of screams and growling in the distance and she snapped her head to the right barely lifting upward. The trees were to thick to see through she thought they were coming closer at each second, just wanting to attack her.

She had to eat, she didn't know if it had been a day, or a couple. If she waited longer the meat would get tainted with age and sicken her. It was life or death to her.

Timberwolves aren't aloud!

1268608>>1268612

Oh. Sorry, my notifications are bugging and it didn't tell me you had replied to me there.

Yeah, it looks pretty good so far. Like Silent said, it adds a bit of mystery, and you've kept it going really well. The descriptions are very vivid and nice, and it's not too wordy. Excellent. The only problem I see is that our writing styles don't match up with each other, but we can tweak all of the parts a little and do that when we get all of them, so it's not a big deal right now.

1268646
...Really?

1268646

What?! B-But I checked Impress Me's blog post, and it said non-pony races are fine!

1268663

Yeah. Impress Me said only sentient beings. If we all go ask, show her what we have, and beg with a bunch of sad Fluttershy pics... maybe she'll let us?

1268655
I have a problem with to much showing and not enough telling. I will try to match your style but we can tweak it.

1268646
Who the fuck said they weren't they should be!

1268646 The collab prompt says it is. It clearly says 'wolf is fine'

1268691

Go to the blog. That's where she says so.

1268698

Dragons, griffons, wolf and seapony are all allowed and if a race change is something that y'all are thinking about doing, than do it now or forever live with your character selections.

wolf and seapony are all allowed

I'm so confused...

1268727

I am too, let's go tell her!