Well hello everybody, or everypony if you're among the crazier fans (It's okay, I am too ). I'm veryoriginalponyname and I thought I'd throw this little fic o' mine out for ya.

Just a Friendly Game

Basically, the Mane Six are enjoying a nice, relaxing picnic in the park when Rainbow Dash suggests they play a game of three-on-three Hoofball, which is basically the ponified version of North American Football. Trying to get everypony to join in turns out to be a little tougher than expected though, and once a rather humiliating wager is added to the mix, what was supposed to be "Just a Friendly Game" is blown way out of proportion, with both teams going to the ends of their abilities to win, and as the day goes on, the whole thing just becomes more and more bizzare...

I'm actually pretty happy with how this turned out. It was going to be a one-shot at first, but as I wrote, more and more crazy ideas for comedy came to me and it ended up becoming a lot zanier than I originally planned. It may seem a bit longer than it needs to be, but I don't think it would've been nearly as funny or entertaining as the one-shot it was going to be at first. I'm fairly proud of it, but then again, I'm not the best one for offering criticsm of my own work. If there's any feedback you want to offer on anything at all (spelling, punctuation, grammar, structure, etc.) please let me know. Just one word of advice: Don't take it too seriously. It's supposed to be goofy and silly and over the top. As long as you're entertained and have a few good laughs, I'll consider the fic successful.
Thanks in advance. Hope you enjoy it.

750545

So I took a look over your first chapter and the first thing I noticed was the dialogue.

Well, I'm full of surprises," Dash said proudly. "Honestly though, sandwich making? Not really that hard."

"Tell that to my sister," Rarity said in a slightly bitter tone. "The little darling nearly burned down my boutique for the third time while scooping ice cream for herself."

"Jeez," Applejack muttered. "Maybe ya oughta jus' keep 'er outta the kitchen from now on, Rare."

"Mmmhm." Rarity hummed. "Let's not have any negativity now, dear; it's a beautiful day, we should enjoy it while we can."

You have a lot of it and it gets really repetitive. I think that you should break up those paragraphs with some character thoughts and/or narration of how they found themselves there.

753191
I think I see what you're saying. I guess what I was going for was trying to let the characters dialouge set up the situation rather than use a bunch of exposition heavy narration. For me personally, that makes for a much more engaging read when the characters are explaining the situation to the reader through their dialouge rather than me telling them about it.

Looking back on it though, I guess I could throw in a little more narration to break up the dialouge a bit, particularly at the start of the chapter. It is a little repetitive when I look at it now.

Thanks.