Returning.

It's a strange feeling.

As I grew and matured I felt as though I had to reject all these small things that didn't quite fit in with others about myself.
It ate at me, took pieces of me I cherished, tore me apart and put me back together again. But it made me feel safer, more normal.

Of course, the first thing to go, around six or seven years ago, was the open enjoyment My little pony. And so, along with a burning passion, stickers, toys, my first 'proper' hyperfixation was thrown aside in hopes of being treated better.

I hardly even remember how this could have effected me. Or well, at least I couldn't remember until today. Out of curiousity, and more-so a desire to cringe at how awful a teenager I was, I tried to brute force my way into all of my old accounts that I could remember, unearthing even older accounts as I went.
Until I found this again.

"God I remember this, fucking pony fanfiction, god what a fucking freak I was..."
"Oh, wow. That avatar brings me back..."
"Oh yeah.. the name, that came from a dream. Kind of fun I guess."

Every new page I opened had me more and more uncertain in whether or not my almost half-decade long self hatred, aimed at my 'cringe brony phase' was something I even really held against myself, and then I noticed something rather remarkable.

A user, the name of Hunter, from years and years ago, had commented on my only other blog post, ironically a 'triumphant return' post from 2016 that was immediately followed by my forever-abscense. And not just had they commented, they had been online recently. No more than fifteen minutes ago.

It was at that point I cracked. Years of hardened self loathing and forced rejection of this silly little cartoon and its community crumbled away to dust. Someone else was letting themselves enjoy it even today, in what i'd argue is the most genuine way possible. Someone I had crossed paths with. Someone who had shown me kindness.

To save myself the embarassment if they're to reply for some reason; I sent them a long winded inbox, much like this blog post, mulling over the years i'd spent away and the wonderous joy I found in them still existing in this space. A joy that spread through my chest and cheeks, a genuine glee I'd not felt for six years.

I don't really know where i'm going with this, I know it's likely i'm speaking out to the void, and the few who do see won't care. But god damnit i'm done giving a shit about any of that. I haven't felt this genuine and happy in fucking years.

Oh and I watched the new mlp movie with my little brother who loves the show and it was alright, I liked it.