Project: 30 by 30 · 10:52am Jan 9th, 2021
Go grab a drink, put on your reading glasses and buckle up buckeroos because it’s story time!
They say the beginning’s a good place to start but I’m going to start at the end because that’s where we are today at the start of the new year.
So in conclusion: I’ve failed my weight loss goal, I’m ending my diet and I’m going to eat a whole funking cake!
*record scratch* Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here. Well… *Baba O’riley intensifies*
10 months ago
The year is February the 18th and in 2 days, it’s my 29th birthday. Except…
“Happy Birthday.” “Happy BD!” “happy birthday” “How Singles In Your Area!” “Happy birthday bud”
Turns out it was the 20th and the plan that I planned to start in 2 days started now!
Project: 30 by 30
I was going to lose 30 kilograms by the time I turned 30. And to achiev this I was taking 2 simple measures.
1: weight
2: days
Those are the measures I was taking, that wasn’t a metaphor.
Day 0 - 146.4k
Fast-forward a week and I’m already at Day 7 - 143.9k
I was losing nearly 3k a week. But this didn’t last. It dropped down after the initial rush. It then dropped down to 2k a week. And after a month at Day 30 - 139.9k
By Day 100 - 126.0k
Now you’re thinking ‘that’s 20k in 3 months’. No that’s 20.4k in 3 months and 10 days. But yeah, that’s a lot; fast. How did I fail my weight loss goal in another 7 months? [which by the way, today is Day 311 so yes, 7 months]
Well, because by Day 169 [nice] - 116.4k
Having achieved my weight loss goal set over the course of a year in just 5 months and a half months I started Project: Another 21 by 21
Which is self explanatory.
By this point I was still losing about 0.1-0.2k a day on average and should easily be able to get there.
Day 230 - 105.5k
Day 240 - 105.4k
Day 250 - 105.3k
It was at this point that stopped my diet and ate a whole funking cake!
And it worked.
Day 260 -103.7k
Turns out switching your diet off and back on again reboots your metabolism.
Day 282 - 99.7k
We were in the home stretch!
Day 296 - 97.6k
Day 300 - 97.5k
Oh funk not again.
Day 302 - 98m7.9k
I think there’s a typo on that one…
With just 5 days to go until 21, Day 306 - 97.6k
In the immortal words of me “The key to success is to set completely unreasonable goals for yourself. And then achieve them!”
*You’re The Best Around plays*
*footage of workout montage - status: not found*
*record scratch again*
Yeah I’m just going to crash diet for the next 5 days…
The year is December 31st.
Day 310 - 96.4k
Welp… I set a goal of 51k and I only managed to lose 50k.
So in conclusion: I’ve failed my weight loss goal, I’m ending my diet and I’m going to eat a whole funking cake!
At this point I feel awful… not because I failed but because I've succeeded too hard and I’m somehow simultaneously skin and bone in some places and molten roils of fatless leftover flab in others.
I can feel my bones and it’s disturbing! There is an 8cm divot in my armpit. Have you seen that episode of Simpsons where Old Jewish Man goes high board diving and his old wrinkly skin roils, unfurl and he just glides away? Have you seen the end of Austin Powers 3 where Fat bastard loses weight?!
I swear if I surgery this excess skin off that’s another 10k gone easy. I might do that.
Anyway, I’m cheat-monthing all of January, we’ll see where we are at the start of February and on my 30th birthday I’m starting Project: Beyblade… 3… 2… 1… let it rip!
What that means is I’m going to go to the gym and get ripped because I used to feel completely safe anywhere as if someone ever started something, I could just walk in their direction and there’s literally nothing they could do to stop me. Now, not so much.
Where’s that cake?
