Disney's Descendants 3 Review

Well, it’s that time again. Time to rip apart the last Descendant’s Movie. Descendants 3.

I’ve already done reviews of the first two films so please read those firsts before reading this review because I don’t feel like reexplaining all the context.

And before we begin let’s address the elephant in the room one last time. Cameron Boyce, the actor who played Carlos, tragically passed away shortly after filming Descendants 3. It’s tragic that he had to die so young and I want to make it clear I’m not making fun of the actor, I'm making fun of the character. Like I said before I thought Cameron did a fine job acting.

Alright. Enough serious talk. Let’s have some FUN.

So the movie opens up with a brief recap of the series with a voiceover from Mal. We then cut to a newspaper being delivered on the isle of the lost where we find that Ben decided to keep to his promise in the last movie and is bringing over more Villian Kids a few at a time. And this occasion is being called….VK Day….

Yes, we’re calling the Villain Kids “VK’s” now? Why? No idea. What was wrong with just saying Villian Kids? 

We get our first musical number and….it’s meh...it’s not bad but it’s not as good as the opening song from the second movie.

Also how many kids did the villains have exactly? There’s like...tons of extras....and some of these kids don’t look like specific kids of villains...

I suppose I might as well address a criticism that a lot of people have about this series that I didn’t mention in my previous reviews now that the subject of the villains having a lot of kids has been brought up. Namely, how could all the Disney heroes and villains have this many kids and all around the same age?

But believe it or not….I’m actually gonna suspend my disbelief on this one….no for real. Yes, it’s logic that doesn’t make much sense that ALL of these heroes and villains would conceive around the same time, but honestly, it’s kind of a necessary weasel in a lot of stories like this. Believe me, it’s the least of these movies' issues….

Alright, so, Mal, Evie, Jay, and Carlos have come over to the island to announce which of the villain kids will be the first to come over to the mainland. Dizzy as established by the second movie. Schmee’s Twins and… Dr. Faciller’s daughter Celia….

Gosh, darn it, Descendants. You had to bring in my favorite Disney Villain, didn’t you? (Also if Dr. Facillers daughter is here, where's Tiana and Naveen’s kid?)

All the villain kids seem to be really happy about the fact they get to get out of the ghetto but Mal isn’t at peace. Uma is still on the loose and it’s clear she’s still paranoid about her showing up again afraid she’ll strike when they are most vulnerable.

Ben visits Mal while she’s spying and reassures her to not worry. They go to a stage where Ben gives a huge speech about welcoming the new arrivals...most everyone appears to be cool with this except for the returning Audrey and her Grandmother.

Also, minor note, but Audrey’s hair’s blond now with highlights. I THINK it’s an attempt to make her look more like Aurora except her grandmother is STILL African American… Okay…

Anyway after making his speech Ben….proposes...to Mal…..

HOW OLD ARE THESE KIDS!? Seriously, first Ben is made king in the first film even though he’s not out of high school and his parents are perfectly fine and now he’s proposing to Mal?! Have they even graduated yet?! What is going on here?!

Oh and then he sings a lame song and whatever...

The crowd cheers except for Audrey who looks heartbroken, shocked, and appalled….

Didn’t Audrey seem just fine at the end of the first movie? She made peace with Mal, remember? I mean, I complained about how Mal used a love potion on Ben which ended up humiliating Audrey in public but she seemed just fine then! She just went straight to Chad! Plus even the first movie had this implication that Audrey and Ben’s relationship was dying even without the love potion intervention, or else Ben wouldn’t have been so cool with it. And even though Audrey wasn’t in the second movie, and spent all of it offscreen, it had the implication she was going to get together with Chad again after they broke up.

So why are we trying to have Audrey heartbroken now?! It’s too late! You blew it in the first movie and now it just looks inconsistent!

You know there are some cases where I could buy this development even if it was a retcon… but this isn’t one of those times. Audrey seemed WAY too cool at the end of the first film and what little we got in the second, so trying to say she was bitter and jealous the whole time just feels like a cheap retcon so Mal can finally face consequences for her love potion trick. But, as I said, it’s too late! You can’t pull all this out of your hat after you went out of your way to absolve Mal of all wrongdoing in the first film!

And then Audrey’s Grandmother admonishes Audrey for losing Ben because it ruined a “Lifetime of plans” and it would have… saved the family status? WHAT!? I feel like we’re missing some context here!

And I know I’m gonna give Audrey some crap in this review but even still it’s not Audrey’s fault she lost Ben you… jerk!

Also if this has been a part of plans that have been going on for a lifetime why hasn’t this come up before now?

Audrey snaps at some kids who are Ben and Mal shippers and wonders why anyone would want a VK on the throne over her. Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you’ve been nothing but a total bitch in all these movies!

Mal gets congratulated by all her friends but Audrey proceeds to ruin it when she reminds Mal of HOW she started dating Ben.

Audrey, your relationship with Ben had all the signs of falling apart. Don’t try to pretend you were a happy couple before Mal intervened. Good Arceus, I’m actually DEFENDING the love potion trick from the first movie now! What is the matter with me!?

Cut to the Isle of the Lost where Ben and the others are picking up the new kids. The new VK’s say goodbye to their parents and Dizzy says goodbye to her grandmother and--

...Why is Lady Tremaine Asian? At least I could see Cruella De Vill being Black in an AU but when I think Lady Tremaine I don’t think Asian! Also, she seems much more mellow than the last film had her be and she actually has a sweet moment with Dizzy…

AGAIN why is she even here?! I know what she did to Cinderella was awful but I don’t think that warranted IMPRISONMENT FOR LIFE

So the kids leave the island but then… Hades shows up and tries to leave when the Barrier is down….

Okay, first off, Hades isn’t being played by James Woods. Why!? He’s done live-action stuff before. And Woods has said Hades is his all-time favorite role and he would ALWAYS come back to play it. So why isn’t he playing him here!?

Second, if Hades is around, where the fuck is Hercules?

Third, HADES IS ON THE ISLAND OF THE LOST! How the hell did they imprison a GOD!? A god who has the extremely important job of watching over the dead. Why has the underworld not imploded or something?

“I am a god! I don’t belong here!”

See even he agrees with me!

Anyway, Hades tries to escape but Mal stops him by turning into a dragon and after a short fight scene the barrier comes down again.

Then we get a scene of Audrey crying in her bedroom writing in her diary. And we see photos of Audrey and Ben together.

Movie, do you really expect me to feel sorry for Audrey? She spent all of the first movie being a total bitch to everyone including Ben and spent all of the second offscreen. You can’t have us feeling sorry for the Hate Sink NOW!

Honestly, Audrey becoming jealous and going evil DOES have merit but this is a plot idea that takes a lot of set up and build up in order to work properly. And as I covered earlier there isn’t any. The movie just expects us to feel sorry for her even after it spent an entire movie making us clear we’re not supposed to.

And I think the movie is aware of how sudden the desire to sympathize with Audrey is because it lays it on THICK. Because one of the photos is of Audrey and Ben as kids and Audrey is sketching a picture of her as queen. And yet it STILL isn’t enough.

A musical number starts up and during it Audrey… breaks into the magic museum… and steals the queen’s crown and Maleficent’s staff… because apparently, the staff is calling to her.

Okay, first off, so Audrey is able to break into this museum with less effort than it took Mal, Carlos, Evie, and Jay in the first movie.

Second, don’t you think Audrey, even if evil, would have some qualms about using Maleficent’s staff? You know, the thing that nearly killed her mom? 

Third, this musical number sucks. It’s slow and Audrey is still seeming like a total jerk when we’re supposed to be sympathizing with her.

Cut to Mal talking with Ben, Adam, and Belle talking about the Hades incident. They’re debating what to do about the situation since every time they’ve opened the barrier something goes wrong. (That seems a little insensitive considering Mal is here because they opened the barrier.) Their panic becomes greater when word breaks out that Maleficent's staff has been stolen.

And what’s Mal’s solution to this problem?

Close the Barrier for good… no, seriously, that’s her solution. Shut down the VK program after it’s barely begun and screw over all those kids you promised you’d give a better life too because ONE villain ALMOST escaped and a villain who escaped a while ago MIGHT have stolen a magic artifact that doesn’t have anything to do with the barrier.

And Ben and his parents just go along with it!

Ben, you’re the king! This was your dream! Stand up for yourself and tell Mal you have the final say!

They try to justify it by saying it’s the only way to keep Auradon safe “for sure” and to keep people from panicking but that excuses nothing!!! The kids on the island are your people too don’t they matter?!

Mal talks to Evie about it (neglecting to mention it was her idea) and Evie protests, pointing out beyond the whole “screwing over the kids” thing, they’ll never see their parents again if they do this. This would mean something if ANY of the OG 4 VK’s parents had showed up in the second movie...

We get a scene of Carlos and Jay cooking and preparing for Jane’s birthday. Which is the first notable thing they’ve done all film. And it’s over before you know it and we cut back to Mal again.

This is one of the biggest issues with this franchise really. Carlos and Jay are supposedly main characters but they’re total one notes and they’re often overshadowed by the girls. It’s even worse with this movie. It’s a shame Cameron’s final performance had to be wasted on such a bit part.

Mal goes out and runs into Audrey. Mal asks what she’s doing with the crown and scepter (what do you THINK Mal?) Audrey gives this huge speech about how Mal ruined her life and how she wants to use magic and zaps Mal with the wand turning her into an old hag (because Disney Movie reference). And then Audrey….leaves.

Evie, Carlos, Celia, and Jay come out and see Mal and after taking stock of the situation debate what to do.

Oh, I know, how about you go get the Fairy Godmothers' wand! I’m sure she’ll let you use it for an emergency!

“The only thing more powerful that the Scepter is Hades Ember”

….Oh, we’re just gonna forget the big McGuffin in the first two movies exists? All right then….

They decide to go back to the Island of the Lost in order to get Hades Ember with Celia tagging along because she knows where Hades lives.

However, cut to Jane’s party where...Chad is mocking Jane over Carlos “forgetting” about her party….

Oh goodie, Chad’s still an insufferable ass…

Audrey shows up to crash the party offended she wasn’t invited and insults everyone for choosing Mal over her. Typically Chad immediately starts sucking up to her and Audrey lets Chad be her lackey.

Audrey starts putting everyone to sleep and Jane leaps into the waters of the enchanted lake in order to avoid it.

Jane calls Ben to warn him and says she’s going to get her mom to get her wand. Oh so they didn’t forget about the McGuffin from the other films….well why didn't the VK kids do that?!

Back on the Island of the Lost….Mal’s back to normal...because of the anti-magic barrier…. I thought nothing could break a curse from Maleficent's scepter! And what was the point of Mal being a Hag if you’re just gonna undo it a few minutes later!?

Celia takes the VK’s back to her dad’s place...an Arcade...WHAT!? What happened to the fortune-telling Gimmick Dr. Falcifer had and Celia had. How does Arcade line up with that?!

At least the actor playing Dr. Falcifer doesn’t do a bad job playing the role…

After getting a Key From the arcade the VK’s walk out only to find Harry and Gil from the last movie stealing their motorcycles.  While Evie, Jay, and Carlos go after them Mal and Celia go to Hades lair.

After a lame gag involving hearing Cerberus barks only for it to be revealed as a recording, Mal finds Hades relaxing. She tries to swipe the Ember but Hades catches her. They look into each other's eyes and…

“....Hi dad…”

…...WHAT!?!?!?!

Yep, Hades is Mal’s dad….

Okay, first off, does this mean we have to invite Mal to Camp Half-Blood now?

Second… Mal is Hades' daughter? I… I… shouldn’t this have come up before now!? Especially if Mal knew Hades was her dad!?

Apparently there’s some resentment going on here because Hades abandoned Maleficent and Mal when she (Mal) was a baby but Hades tries to justify his choice because he couldn't’ stand Maleficent. (How’d they get together in the first place then?)

I’d say go to hell Hades but… you run the Greek version of it.

The two argue for a bit and then we get into a musical number….URG….and it’s a lame one. It’s nothing that couldn't’ have been done in normal dialogue...

After it ends Mal asks for the ember to make up for being a lousy dad. Hades' protests because it can’t be used by anyone other than him but since Mal has his blood it should work. Hades finally relents but warns not to get it wet. Gee, I wonder if it’s gonna get wet.

Back with Ben, he’s trying to control the situation and giving orders to his employees over the phone when Audrey shows up. Audrey demands Ben get back together with her. And Ben… tries to reason with her. Saying he liked the old Audrey better.

Oh yeah, I liked the old Mean girl Audrey too. /sarcasm

For Pete’s sake, Ben call her out on her bullcrap! She was a total bitch to you in the first movie! Even when you were dating!

But no Ben is convinced Audrey is under a spell and after telling Audrey he’ll forgive her if she gives him the scepter Audrey, infuriated, turns Ben into a beast and decides “Sleep is too good” and begins turning people including the Fairy Godmother to stone.

And you know, this is another big issue I have with Audrey in this movie. She talks a whole lot about how she wants to be queen….but she never actually says she loved Ben. You’d think having the one she loved stolen from her would be a bigger deal than losing the title of queen but no! She never seems to mourn losing Ben just her losing the chance to be queen and it makes it look more the title of queen is more important to her than Ben, Which makes her look vain and petty!

And the worst part is I think I know why this is. It’s because if Audrey was genuinely in love with Ben then that would have tainted the Ben and Mal romance because it would have meant Mal really DID steal Ben from Audrey. Thus introducing moral conflict. How could Ben and Mal love each other if their love was built on a forced breakup and heartbreak? So even when the movie is trying to give Mal consequences to her love potion trick… they’re STILL trying to absolve her of all guilt! NICE.

Back with VK’s they begin to leave the barrier only for Harry and Gil to take the opportunity to escape. To make matters worse the ember begins to fall in the ocean where it’s caught by Uma.

The two groups argue for a bit before Mal and Carlos tell Uma about the situation. Uma promises to give the Ember back if every villain kid gets to get off the island (weren’t they doing that at the beginning?). Mal says she can’t do that(You were doing that at the beginning!) but eventually relents. Uma still holds onto the ember though and two groups form a shaky alliance.

After more arguing, Evie proposes everyone try to be friends. Oh no are we doing a “Power of friendship” plot? Because I've rarely seen that done well outside of MLP!

They get back to Auradon where everyone is either asleep or stoned(Not that kind of stoned)

And oh goodie Dude Carlos’s dog from the last movie is back…

Audrey and Chad notice this going on and Audrey accuses Chad of backstabbing her(He’s been with you the whole time!)

While exploring the castle and after some lame talking dog humor they run into animated suits of armor Audrey’s summoned.

Alright! A fight scene! This is gonna be-

….A DANCE OFF!? REALLY!? SERIOUSLY!? WHY!?!?!

Okay technically it’s a fight scene and a dance-off rolled into one but it’s still a stupid musical-...you know what? Screw it; I’m skipping this

The VKs win and Mal and Uma learn they work well as a team….much to their annoyance.

Evie tries to give another “Can’t we all just get along speech” and tries to talk everyone into an icebreaker. Is now really the time?! Thankful Mal realizes this too and they move on.

The group splits up with Evie, Mal, Celia, and Uma in one group and Carlos, Harry, Jay, Gil, and Dude in the other.

While exploring Audrey’s dorm Uma finds Audrey’s diary. Reading it she figures out Audrey must be at the fairy cottage.

The other group goes through the woods to find Ben and Jay and Gil start bonding in an admittedly not bad scene

But enough of male characters bonding and getting actual character moments back to Evie, Mal, Celia, and Uma as they go to Evie’s place and find Dizzy and Doug asleep. Dizzy seems to be having a nightmare so Celia tucks her in and assures Dizzy everything is gonna be okay once all the other villain kids come over in a scene obviously made to guilt trip Mal for her earlier decision.

Evie decides to kiss Doug to wake him up and...Evie begins singing a song wondering if her love will be enough to wake Doug….this is the flimsiest excuse for a song I’ve ever heard. (Also Evie’s singing voice sounds nothing like her). Oh and shocker. The kiss works.

Carlos, Jay, Gil, and Harry find Ben who’s been turned into a mindless beast (No surprise there). Carlos tries to talk Ben down and the scene ends when Jane appears and hoses Ben down with water from the enchanted lake turning him back to normal.

Wait if this lake water can break any enchantment then why isn’t Jane using it to cure everybody? And what has she been DOING this whole time? 

Jay and Carlos recap Ben on the situation and go to meet up with Mal and the others.

Back with Chad and Audrey Audrey is getting more and more frustrated at the situation. Chad tries to talk her down and Audrey irritated locks Chad in the closet. Why out of all characters does she go easy on HIM?

Back with Uma and Mal the two are bonding and are close to becoming friends but before anything can be done Audrey begins using magic to board up the house.  But with the power of both Uma and Mal holding the ember at the same time they’re able to cancel the spell...oh no. It IS a power of friendship plot… Also, Mal’s actress is really starting to slip in the acting department.

Ben and the others show up and everyone is reunited. Everyone seems happy to be together again but it’s time for action. Everyone goes to the Fairy Cottage only to find Audrey gone and Chad locked in the closet. Okay, why is Chad acting like a traumatized victim when all Audrey did was lock in a closet for a few hours? Is he just that pathetic? Or is he claustrophobic? If it’s the second that probably should have been established first.

Jane, Gill, and Doug find Jane’s stone mom…. Jane talks to her and…

“We’ll try to find a way to undo this”

Jane just get some of that water and splash your mom with it like you did Ben? Is there some reason it won’t work!? If so then just say it!

Back with Mal and the others, Uma reveals to Ben about the deal she made with Mal, That Mal would let all the VK kids off the island.

And Mal….reveals that the program is shut down saying she lied and reveals her plan to close the barrier for good.

…..Well, congrats Mal. You just won a Darwin award!

First off. This is the WORST possible time to reveal you lied and that you were planning on shutting the program down. Everyone is united and ready to take down Audrey but then you reveal something that could split them apart!?

Second. You still want to go through with shutting the program down and closing the barrier for good? Even after A) The big threat turned out not to be from the Island of the Lost at all, B) Uma and you started to become friends proving she could be redeemed and C) You made sorta peace with your father who’s near escape was the entire reason you wanted to go through with shutting down the program, to begin with?!

Predictably Celia and Uma get pissed off and after calling Mal out Celia throws the ember in a nearby water fountain(Told you it was gonna happen) and Uma, Harry and Celia leave. Mal tries to explain herself to Evie saying she’s just trying to protect everyone but Evie proving she’s one of the better characters in this franchise rightfully calls Mal on her bullcrap and lying as well.

Mal tries to apologize however Audrey comes in and turns Carlos, Evie, Ben, and Jay into stone.

Mal sings a pity song(not bad but not great either) and goes to Uma begging for help. Uma is reluctant for understandable reasons and even after Mal gives a “better than you are” speech Uma ditches her.

Mal hears Celia screaming for help and Mal turns into a dragon finding that Audrey has her captive and the final battle begins. Mal desperately tries to reignite the ember by breathing fire on it but it doesn’t work. Uma...decides to help realizing she does care. Aw character development.

Uma and Mal use their magic together, reigniting the ember. Using its power Mal manages to kill Audrey….no really. She kills Audrey! Mal desperately tries to bring her back to life but without the full power of Hades, she can’t do it.

With the spell broken everyone starts waking up and...Jane, Gill, and Doug have apparently just been waiting by Fairy Godmother until the spell broke. Why didn’t they just go get the wand?!

Cut to Audrey on a bed still dead and Mal and Evie looking over here. Mal realizes Hades is the only person who can save her and Ben sends out an order to get him. Uma decides to stay with the island because even if the outside world is good someone needs to protect her home. Celia decides to go back as well so she can be with her dad. Everyone apologizes to Mal saying she was only doing- Wait are they STILL closing the island for good? WHY!? SURLY Mal should have learned it was a bad idea right!?

Oh, whatever the movie’s almost over. Hades is brought over. He points out the hypocrisy in wanting to save Audrey because she’s “One of their own” but when “One of us” tries to go evil they lock them up. I’m starting to warm up to this guy.

Hades brings Audrey back to life. And...everyone forgives her...no really after EVERYTHING Audrey did after she apologizes she’s forgiven. Even after Ben gave her a chance to calm down she didn’t take it! The implication they seem to be going for is that Audrey was somehow possessed by the staff. No. NO NO NO NO NO!!!! You don’t GET to have Audrey not face consequences for her actions after you spent the entire movie trying to have this be the consequences for Mal’s actions in the first movie. I smell hypocrisy.

(Sigh) Hades is lead away but not before he and Mal reconcile. Hades gives Mal his ember and Mal gets an idea...a terrible idea.

The next day at Mal’s sorta coronation Mal decides she’s not turning her back on the island. You might reasonably assume Mal is gonna order the program restarted but nope! She’s gonna remove the barrier entirely!

This is a terrible idea. YES, there are innocent kids on the island who shouldn’t have to pay for their parent's sins...but there are VILLAINS on that island! Do you think Jafar, Dr. Falcier, and so many others are just gonna take what the kingdom did to them lying down? Not everyone is gonna just forgive the royalty for imprisoning them!

But no. Mal lowers the barrier. All the villain kids come to the mainland including Uma, Harry, Celia, and Gil, Jane becomes worried about meeting Carlos’s mom and Carlos states he’s even more scared because he wants to be a vet(Okay that’s kinda funny), Jay and Gil decide to explore the world, ship tease with Audrey and Harry, Dr. Faciler Lady Tremaine and Schmee are reunited with their kids/grandkids(And I guess Dr. Facifer is redeemed seeing as he seems to be cool with getting locked up?), Mal’s reunited with Hades, dance party ending. The end.

Well, that’s Descendents 3. It’s bad. It’s just bad. Once again the acting is fine but The songs are tacked on like always, the dialogue is poor, the world-building is poor, Audrey being the villain had no impact, Chad’s still an insufferable ass, and the plot twist of Mal being Hades daughter just doesn’t work.

There are parts of this movie that I’m convinced are trying so hard to make up for mistakes the previous movies made that it overcompensates and ends up creating new issues.

Mal doesn’t face any consequences for mind-controlling Ben and humiliating Audrey in public? Well, Audrey’s gonna be revealed to be heartbroken in this film and go evil...even though it’s too late to try to make Audrey sympathetic and it’s not consistent with her behavior in the last films.

The isle of the lost system has tons of unfortunate implications? Well! We’re gonna get rid of the barrier and undo all of it!.... Even though that’s gonna release tons of villains who likely haven’t been redeemed and want revenge.

One of the main supposed themes in this movie is that good and evil can come from anywhere as evidenced by Mal’s speech at the end...but if the movie wanted to teach that message then Audrey should have been unrepentant at the end or at the very least faced some consequences for everything besides dying and coming back to life anyway. Trying to have her just have been possessed the whole time and easily forgiving her for everything really seems like the movie is just biased towards the people of Auradon. That no one there is “truly” evil. Like Hades had claimed earlier just from a meta-perspective.

Like last time Jay and Carlos are basically non-entities despite supposedly being main characters but it feels so much worse here because they don’t really have much to do throughout the plot. Jay in particular given how there’s no subplot involving sports like the previous two(And I just realized Lonnie is nowhere to be found in this movie). It really does suck Cameron wasn’t able to have a standout moment in his last role. Similarly, Celia is presumably meant to be the new breakout character but also suffers from Non-entity issues. She at least has more to do but there’s so much focus on Evie, Mal, Audrey, and Uma she doesn’t get to stand out.

And it’s a shame the songs are so bad because there are some songs in Descendants 2 I could see myself listening to again. I can’t say the same here

Any improvements? Well, they seem to have done away with the anti-magic stigma in this movie so that’s good. And there are a few character moments I did think worked well. Despite my complaints about Evie’s “icebreaker” bit she’s still one of the better characters in this series (I feel so sorry I called her an idiot in my first review), and again the acting is fine and some of the actors look like they’re having fun.

But apart from that, the movie is a mess.

So that’s all the Descendant’s movies. As a whole. It’s just a waste of a franchise. Maybe someday we can get a better Disney shared universe story.

But you know what? I can’t say I didn’t enjoy myself reviewing these films. These films are perfect bile fascination films. Grab a few buddies, get some snacks, and have fun ripping, deconstructing, and making fun of them like I did.

Thanks for coming along with me on this ride. Until next time Tom Hur out.

Comments

[Equestrian Defender]

Another good review, dude. Keep it up.