Tonight's Autistic Rant

A.k.a. "why Hasbro can't sell this shit to their target audience"

The fact is that every male in Equestria is facing a "submit or die/lose everything" scenario, and I have to say that I find the message being sent somewhat appalling. I mean let's take stock:

Castle Guards: barely sapient, can't function without orders and are basically decorations

Spike: a willing slave who flees from freedom and shies away from power. Also, gifts make him evil.

Big Mac: tranny, and therefore more masculine than the competition only by the power of irony.

Blueblood: an ineffectual piece of shit, but a highly polished one at that.

Shining Armor: masculinity bait-and-switch. We know who has the balls in his marriage.

Discord: psychotic man-child who must be exactly as much himself as his mistress wants, no more or they petrify him, no less or he dies.

Sombra: shattered, probably better off dead. Committed the same crimes that they're trying to forgive Chrysalis for, but against a single city as opposed to several.

Storm King: also shattered, but maybe alive? Because that's not horrific. Barely did anything, but was executed for Tempest's crimes in his name.

Rutherford: allowed a facsimile of leadership so long as he obeys because somehow in spite of doing it for years before opening his borders, he can't run his own country without pony interference.

Iron Will: preaches self-confidence, wilts in front of the meekest mare in the universe.

SStB: turns out to be a misogynistic maniac who is somehow incapable of retaining the values and ethics he invented.

Firelight: exists only to justify Starlight's insanity even though Rainbow Dash's father treated her exactly the same way, and she only turned out to be a bitch as opposed to a cult-crafting psychopath.

Bro Hothoof: literally worships his daughter. It's frankly disturbing.

Cranky: lives exclusively through his obsession with Matilda. That is his whole character.

Carrot Cake: may not be the father of his children.

Featherbang: pony Justin Bieber.

Igneous: so close to dead he's already given his daughters their inheritance.

Soarin: Spitfire's disposable love toy.

Zephyr: see Blueblood, subtract polish. Probably meant to emulate Millennial men.

Dragon King: got tired of ruling, made his authority a trophy which was then given to Ember, who didn't earn it.

Thorax: ...I don't even want to start, because I don't think I'll be able to stop.

Pony of Shadows: Like Thorax, only mercifully less painful to look at.

Sunburst: like Thorax and PoS, only more palette-appropriate for the show.

Mudbriar: actually fairly masculine, almost tolerable and adequately rewarded for it. I wonder if his writer still has a job.

Flim and Flam: wisely bowed to the Powers to avoid sharing Pony Elvis's fate.

Cheese Sandwich: like Mudbriar, minus adequate reward. Probably the real reason Pinkie hates Mudbriar.

Flash: a cardboard stand of a wannabe rock star who looks like a knockoff of Shining Armor and who gets cucked by screeching "fans".

Professor Neighsay: I refused to watch the episode featuring him because the very premise was sickening and a dangerous thing to teach children, especially young girls, most especially given current world events, but I am willing to bet that he was basically Starswirl without any of his redeeming qualities.

Troubleshoes: as with Thorax, probably everything wrong with this show's treatment of males rolled into one individual. A seeming parody of Bronies?

Snowflake: a strangely minmaxed parody of masculinity.

Timber: a slight upgrade on Flash who will likely never be seen again.

And I stopped paying attention after the Movie.

Look, I get that the target audience of the show is little girls, but I think that's all the more reason why it needs admirable male figures. Girls like one of three kinds of men:

1. Pretty, powerful, confident, and domineering "bad boys" such as Sephiroth, the Malfoys, Loki, KH1 Ansem, Sesshoumaru, Shinobu Sensui, the Uchihas, Aizen, etc

2. Manly, sincere, capable, and patient (or at least determined) "good guys" with an edge like Ichigo, Byakuya, Thor, Kenshin Himura, Tony Stark, Steve Rodgers, Ned Starrk, Superman, Batman, Dick Grayson, Beast Boy, Aragon, Captain Picard, Harry Potter, Sirius Black, The Rock, me, etc.

3. True "beast men" such as John Wick, Kenpachi, Jin Kazama, Hwaorang, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Guts, The Witcher, Kratos, Damien Wayne, Yusuke Yurameshi, The Joker, etc.

That's it. Those are your options unless you're reaching for the fringes. For best results, add one of each and give them a vaguely homoerotic rivalry and/or a solid relationship with one of the mains. Believe it or not, most girls aren't lesbians and therefore can't be expected to like pussies. Height, wealth, power, muscle, attitude, accomplishments, self-realization, and passion. Those are what girls like in guys. I would excuse them for not having examples of real men to base these characters off of, but they aren't limited to reality for reference. Hell, they almost had it with Shining Armor.

Also, girls of all ages tend to be really into both violence and romance, so the strong tendency to try to exclude both from the show is a gross marketing failure. Also also, the pastel colors and anime faces are a terrible design choice. People that like things, such as horses for example, like it when they look right. That's why Sunburst is so popular with the target audience in spite of being a weenie with virtually no character: he legit looks like a tiny horse and was only shown briefly sounding like one on his initial appearance. Also the first thing he did with his power when they manifested was save Starlight from her own mistake. It's almost like Disney, who has been dominating the entertainment markets for decades, might be onto something with their formulaic princes and rogues.
Crazy, I know.

Also, you can't have a show about morals if you're not gonna present immediate and clear consequences for being immoral. If the viewer needs to be an adult (and an intelligent one at that) to understand the ramifications of a character's actions, then they are going to be completely lost on the actual children watching. I would not be surprised if a young child's take from the show is something to the effect of:

"You can do anything you want if you're a girl. You just have to say you're sorry if that makes other people mad, and everything will be okay. If you're a boy, you should ask for permission to do anything because if you make people mad you might die."

And finally, the CMC episode teaching the lesson about how friends grow apart as they grow up only highlights the forced and unnatural nature of the Mane 6's relationship. For crying out loud, the show doesn't even maintain the same creative team for more than a few years. Please get your shit together, people. Children may be ignorant, but they can be otherwise intelligent and some even have standards.