Bright side and not so bright side

Whelp...it’s 2:00 am, can’t sleep, and I have a pretty busy day today. Fabulous. 🙈

On the bright side:
School is almost over!
I might be spending a month of my summer in California,
and I might be getting a hamster or a few gerbils soon!

(I use to have a hamster, he died of old age. Same with my 2 gerbils)

And now for the not so bright side of things:

Mentally, I’m tired,
I overthink or worry about things,
Having anxiety doesn’t help social situations. Wherever I go, wether it be Church, school, or a store, anxiety pops up,
I’m always worried about what others are thinking of me,
A few of my friends are drifting away and there’s nothing I can do about it,
My depression keeps creeping in,
and my snail died.

My depression goes away, but always comes back. Listening to music helps me for awhile, unless I’m at the point where I’m totally numb.

I know that God will get me through these struggles. But honestly, I feel like breaking down and crying at this point. But the tears won’t come.. Tears fall at random times, when I’m getting lectured for example.

I feel like some of my friends are slowly drifting away, and there’s nothing I can do. I feel like one of them hates me. I don’t blame them, I would hate me too. I feel like they’re purposely pushing me away. I miss hanging out and talking with them.

I wish...
I wish I didn’t suck at talking irl.
I wish I would stop worrying about what people thought of me,
I wish I was a better person, who didn’t screw up people’s lives.

I’m slowly going back to the way I use to be...
Quiet.
Shy.
I’m quiet now, because I’m afraid to talk. Afraid I’ll screw things up.
The reason I’m shy, is because I’m afraid of what people think of me.

I’m shaking now, from writing all this. There goes my anxiety again...

To that one friend:
I’m sorry for hurting you.
I know sorry doesn’t fix everything...but it’s a start
You’re not a burden.
Please stop listening to the lies, instead listen to what God has to say.
Do not lose hope,
don’t let the devil steal the light behind your eyes.
See yourself the way God sees you.
Stay strong.

I’ll write again sometime in the future,
bye guys.