I Have A Problem. It's That I Don't Have A Problem

This blog is kind of a continuation of "My Uncle Moved in, And That's A Problem", but you don't need to read it, or worry about it. This is also about my life, my stupid, bullshit feelings, and how fucked up I am, so if you want to read about horse words (which I don't put out much of, anymore), then don't read this.

So yeah, consider that the begrudging "Trigger Warning" of this post.

As cliche as it is as a storytelling device, I feel that I'm gonna have to start from the beginning with this one. I don't remember much of when I was a kid, but something must have happened when I was young that killed my personality. What does that mean? I'm... nothing now. I'm nothing, but the people around me are, so my brain just supposes that I'll take what they are, and it'll be something. But I'm still nothing. And as poetic as that may have seemed, it's true.

So what's with the title? Well, because of that thing, I've lied and deceived people basically all my life about things that don't matter just to make myself fit in. I think the only person I don't do this with is my best friend, and that because if I'm talking about something serious, it's basically impossible to lie to him. I'm an attention whore, basically. I've officially convinced myself that I'm writing this post because I always keep my feelings inside because that way no one has to get hurt, but I'm sure I'm just seeking attention again. Fuck, this is getting annoying.

So I think I there's something wrong with me. So I just looked up personality disorders and I picked the one I felt best suited me before writing this post. Turns out I most identify with Borderline Personality Disorder. Here's what mentalhealthamerica.net has to say about it.

People with borderline personality disorder are unstable in several areas, including interpersonal relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. Abrupt and extreme mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, an unstable and fluctuating self-image, unpredictable and self-destructive actions characterize the person with borderline personality disorder. These individuals generally have great difficulty with their own sense of identity. They often experience the world in extremes, viewing others as either “all good” or “all bad.” A person with borderline personality may form an intense personal attachment with someone only to quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight. Fears of abandonment may lead to an excessive dependency on others. Self-multilation or recurrent suicidal gestures may be used to get attention or manipulate others. Impulsive actions, chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, and bouts of intense inappropriate anger are other traits of this disorder, which is more common among females.

There are a few reasons why I think that me identifying with this is bullshit. But first, why I identified with it.

I do have shitty relationships with my family and those around me. In my mind, I'm supposed to be better than everyone else in my family. I'm the smartest, strongest, most capable person in the family despite all of those being proven false. Yet I still believe it and condemn my family for it. I've already talked about how I identify myself, and I normally think about my family as nothing but the people that live with me. Of course, I'm good at putting up a front because I need to in order to get what I need. Then, later, I'm thinking about them as the most important things to me (you can guess which side I'm on right now). I've never cut myself, but I did have suicidal thoughts when I was younger. In fact, the only reason I don't hurt myself already is that I'm a coward and petty. If I hate this life, I'm gonna milk it to the last goddamn drop. Finally, I foster an unfair sense of anger to my father (more on him later) and people I haven't met, but are too hard to imitate (like I said, that's what I truly believe myself to be: just a leech).

But that's all bullshit because it can't be true. I'm sure the only reason I'm vibing so much with this is that I need to fit into something. All I need to truly do is just stop. Stop acting like others and do what everyone else did when they were 5: make my own personality and stick to it. Stop taking from others and just be me.

This started today when I got a call from my father to go over to his house. My dad is not bad. I don't care what I've said in the past, I don't care why I've yelled or argued with him, or talked badly behind his back, he's not bad. He isn't a bad person, he just wants me to do what I said I should. I can't keep blaming him for my problems, or my family for finding me weird. I can't keep pretending that I have some disorder because it's disrespectful to those who do. I can't keep doing anything but what I said up above.

But I still thought that, so I went over, basically told him to go fuck himself, then left. Now, anytime I think of him, I see him sitting down in the new house he'd bought for me and my sisters, alone in the dark, working his hardest for a son who just walked out. And I start crying. I haven't cried in so long that I rushed home and looked up that symptom up above, and came to the conclusion that I'm just an idiot who needs to grow up and stop acting like a baby. I'm 17, goddamnit, it's time to stop this.

So I'm writing this just to make sure that I addressed it. Tomorrow, I'm going to go back to business as usual, and in a week, I'll be back to normal. If this is at least written down, I can remember how I felt.

Fuck it, why wait 'till tomorrow? It's Rosalina's birthday today. Did you guys know? That's the reward for making it this far into this train wreck.

Happy Birthday.