A Short Story About Wizardly Impotence · 9:49pm Oct 20th, 2017
Handyman promised to meet a deadline. He didn't. I promised to do something mean. This is the result.
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Chrysalis looked out over her vast kingdom from atop her grand throne. She now controlled the entire changeling race and all bowed before her. A hearty laugh rose from her throat as she gazed over the ocean of changelings, all gathered to behold her presence.
“More love, my Queen?” A plate was shoved to her face with a huge pink cartoon heart. Without hesitation she buried her royal teeth into the magnificent meal and began to chew. It was sour.
Without a trace of majesty the queen spat the spoiled meal from her gullet and looked up to the changeling who dared commit such a crime. She stopped in horror when gave way to a completely different shape. It was the grinning face of the human, Handy.
She leaned back reflexively and turned away, only to face another changeling with the face of Handy looking at her expectantly. The abomination opened its mouth and squealed like a chimpanzee.
Chrysalis couldn’t take any more of this nonsense. She leapt off her throne and galloped carelessly down her great stairs, at some point she crashed through a pair of doors and tumbled into the centre of a courtroom.
The queen shook her head and shapes began to form in the room. It was full of chimpanzees, all standing haughtily and gazing at her with condemnation written all over their weird monkey faces.
“Brace yourselves, everychimp,” a fancily dressed monkey with a powdered wig, standing closest to Chrysalis declared, “Judge Handy is about to commence The LawTM.”
The gargantuan figure of the human erupted from behind the podium, as if propelled from the earth, towering over everyone. His muscles bulged and sparkled, and his eyes were blazing fire that bored into Chrysalis’ soul with an intensity as potent as the Will of God.
“Queen Chrysalis,” the titan bellowed, “for being so fabulous I sentence thee to one thousand years dung flinging! You will smell like poop until the end of time!”
Then the room exploded, literally. Fire shot from the walls, engulfing the monkeys and rushing forth to enclose Queen Chrysalis before she had time to so much as squeal in a manner similar to one of the late chimps in the courtroom.
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Chrysalis woke on an unfamiliar floor. She jolted upright in a sleepy state of half panic and her numb legs failed her, sending her back to her haunches and blinking the sleep out of her eyes. She was about to try again when she felt a small something press against her forehead and this time all her joints really did fail her. By a force unknown her limbs were frozen in place.
Slowly, her eyes followed the pale appendage intruding her personal space. Skin gave way to sharp, grey clothing, and gave way to skin again. She was looking at the grinning face of a human, a different human.
It was the eyes that truly stopped her thoughts in their tracks. It made his grin not unlike that of a shark’s. They seemed to glimmer with a sadistic glee and spoke of a hunger that could never be sated. Her mind flashed back to old stories she had heard of creatures in Tartarus. She was in the presence of a demon, or worse, a businessman.
“Hello, Queen,” his gleeful, calculating voice stated. He finally stopped touching her forehead and pulled back, standing to his full height and showing off his tall, bony figure. For what it was worth, the sharp grey suit and black tie went well with the deep, dark rings under his eyes. “I am Mister Sir Doctor Professor Usurper, and this is my home.”
The human held his arms out to display the room and Chrysalis found she was able to slowly move her head. It was a simple, cream coloured square room, but for some reason it felt like her eyes were trying to take in too much information. She got the distinct feeling that the room didn’t function or exist in the typical contexts of the words. Her tired mind once more attempted to supply the idea that she was dreaming or in some other state, but to no avail. That touch was real, her fear was real, and she very much felt like a captive right now. She could also sense a roaring mass of emotions seemingly coming from everywhere. There were all kinds, but mostly she picked up impatience.
“Like it? I’m sure you do. I’ve brought you to this place because it would be in your absolute interest to help my friend here.” The scary man pointed to a table that Chrysalis somehow didn’t notice before.
There was another human sitting at the table. This one had a long beard, and even longer eyebrows, and wore a stereotypical deep blue wizard hat and robe with dull white stars dotted all over it. Some of the stars seemed to be missing and others were half stitched back on by someone who had obviously never been taught how to sew. The sad wizard waved at her briefly before returning his thousand yard stare to the coffee cup cradled in his hands.
“Before we start, meet Novo,” Mr business said as he pointed to a large huddled shape in the corner of the room. It seemed to be some kind of intricately carved huge metal suit built for a gigantic human, but there didn’t seem to be anyone in it. Before Chrysalis had a chance to wonder the joints of the suit flared up with an array of crimson runes. Their activity danced around inside the suit to such an impressive degree that a sort of smoky red light wafted out of every crack in the suit, as if it didn’t already look intimidating enough. With creaks and groans and the grating of thick steel the animated armour rose to its massive height and dwarfed everyone in the room.
With one slow step, then two, the suit came to a stop before Chrysalis and leaned toward her to stare into her soul with its glowing visor. She could only gawk, since her legs were still frozen. Apparently it was satisfied with what it found because it nodded to her once before stomping back to the side of the room and watching in silence.
Chrysalis looked back to Sir Doctor Master Missus Business and he only held up his hand to silence her. Oddly enough, he began lowering his fingers his fingers in sequence, counting down.
“Three… Two… One…”
“Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.” A portal burst open behind Chrysalis. She wasn’t able to turn her head enough to gawk at this rambunctious newcomer, so her personal space was once again invaded when a hand came down on her head from behind and patted her.
This new human flowed into view and boy was he a sight. He had spiky hair, baggy pants, and a singlet. This playa had a whole lotta bling, and he clutched a bottle of grog in his spare hand, the good stuff. For some reason he wore shutter shades, and he had a genuine grin on his face as he nodded slowly at Chrysalis. It’s not like he got to take in her majestic queenly appearance every day, after all.
His nodding was halted with a mighty hiccup, and he drew back with a wobble, looking around and apparently deciding he needed to be somewhere else. The party boy threw his grog at the wall, smashing it and opening some kind of swirling hell portal. It chilled Chrysalis’ every nerve and even looking at it felt profoundly wrong. The new arrival just casually walked straight though and left it open. Chrysalis just stared beyond the portal, half loosing herself to eldritch concepts she couldn’t ever hope to understand, and half expecting to hear demonic screaming burst forth and fry her brain.
A low droning sound began to emanate from the portal that slowly transitioned into the sound of… running water? ...Is he taking a leak? It was enough for Chrysalis to pry her eyes away from the abyss and send a baffled look to the businessman in the room.
“The party doesn’t start ‘till JBL gets here,” he said with an amused smile.
The sound of a toilet flushing could be heard from the portal and JBL stumbled back through, thankfully remembering to shut it this time. He gave a satisfied nod to everyone in the room and went to lean against a large metal box that stood slightly taller than him.
“Now that we’re all here, it’s time to show you our problem,” Businesswank said as he nodded to the seated wizard in the room.
The wizard straightened up and popped his fingers. He fixed a look of determination at a pile of papers on the table and pointed his hands at them. Real magic danced across his fingertips and his face contorted to show his strain. His whole body started shaking as he began to groan and gurgle from the herculean effort.
A rainbow began to extend from his hands, slowly, uncertainly, it extended closer to the papers. It almost got there before it wobbled and dissipated into nothing, leaving the spent wizard to collapse on the table. Several potatoes rolled away in disgust. It just didn’t make the distance and Chrysalis cringed at the sight. Ew.
“So you see, we need your help,” the businessman solemnly said. “We need your queenly determination. Don’t worry, I plan on rewarding you greatly, and in the meantime all your needs will be catered to. Over there is all the sustenance you could ever need…” Mr Business motioned to the metal box, prompting JBL to tap it and cause the door to swing open. From top to bottom it was full of beer.
“…And here we have entertainment,” he continued and poked a nearby potato dangling on a string, suspended from the roof. The businessman started swatting at the potato, and he began to lose himself as if he were a cat playing with a ball of string. Chrysalis observed his expression change into that of childlike wonder, and deep down she had a feeling this may be the only true happiness the man would ever experience. Unfortunately it would only last but a moment.
With a clearing of his throat the workplace tyrant pried his attention away from the suspended potato and asked, “So what say you, Queen Chrysalis?”
For the first time since she was abducted Queen Chrysalis was allowed free control of her limbs. Slowly, shakily, she rose to all four legs. Then she went the extra mile and straightened herself, donning the posture one would expect of a proud queen. This seemed to please the businessman.
He smiled admirably and asked, “So, are you willing to lend your magic?”
If it meant getting out of there alive, she’d do what she had to.
“Are you ready to make some Bad Mondays?”
Good job, the potato gods are satisfied.