Am I Dead?

In certain ways yes...
Due to the recent encounters with alcohol and high levels of depression and low satisfaction with my quality of life I have decided that you all need an explanation as to my absence. When you come so close to death off of a case of alcohol poisoning that you can literally caress deaths sweet face you learn that there are secrets even you keep from yourself. I had... still have a problem. Life is just so dull now. Day after day it's the same thing. It's the worlds biggest trench really...
I wake up, shave my face, go to work, work til 11:00, go to "lunch", come back, work til 4, go home.
I don't eat breakfast, I don't eat lunch, and I'll maybe have some cup noodles for dinner. Which is apparently hurting my physical health according to other people who claim to be concerned with me.
At this point nobody should be worried about me popping cork on my head because if I was going to do that I would've already.
Every so often I remember back to the old days of when I loved ponies and they gave me joy in life but I just don't have that feeling for them anymore and when I want to get that feeling back I feel like I'm forcing it upon myself. I still draw them. I've gotten decent at it. I still feel some interest in finishing these stories I started so long ago. The only problem is this depression I'm in just zaps all of my creativity from me. Trust me guys I'm trying really hard but what was once sit downs where I could type up whole chapters has become me sitting down, typing a sentence and going back to hating life. Every time I sit down to draw the first images that come to my head are images of nooses and guns held to heads and I don't want to draw that.
At the place where I am at right now I can't ask anyone for help really because literally everything will go up in smoke and fire around me and I fear it will ruin a future outside the Corps for me should I have one. It would definitely ruin a future for me in the corps.
In conclusion this is really the only place I can share this since it's completely anonymous and nobody here knows me in real life to overreact and make the situation worse and to be honest I don't even know what I'm looking for after I put this up. As far as I'm concerned nobody really reads my posts here so really all this is going to do is sit here reminding me of how my life isn't exactly going where I had hoped it to be by now.
I'll keep working on these stories regardless Somewhere along the line I might get a change of heart. I'm just caught up with so much more outside writing.
I'm trying really hard guys I swear, it's just not sticking right now and sorry for such a long wait for Flames of War. It'll come out eventually. I have it set to the default page that opens when I hit chrome so I don't forget I have to finish it.
Also, I am very sorry for pulling you into this. This all had to get off my chest one day and I kinda vented it here.