Pinkie the Mighty Ch2 (part one, in editing, some curse words, alternatives welcome)

Pinkie the Mighty
Chapter 2
M. F. Surprise

It was the dawn of a new millennium, literally. Not a figuratively literally, but really literally literally. The summer sun celebration was only a day away. Soon, Princess Luna would return from the stars in her chariot of diamonds with teddy bears and chocolates for all her loyal subjects, before she smote those sun loving non-believers so far past heaven and hell they came back as dust. The abandoned building exploration club, consisting mostly of leather winged threstals and a screw loose pegasister, was comprised of three acolytes and an outsider. Although, in all fairness, that outsider felt a little responsible for bringing them all together. After all, it was her mistake that caused them to become orphans in the first place. It was an honest mistake and a lack of common sense really. How was she (the outsider) to know poking that Ursa-Major with a stick would come back to bite her with the wrath of a stone Grendel. Fortunately, she was small enough to get swallowed whole, but large enough to be wedged in the beast's windpipe like a bad penny... and it still took her parents and two members of the lunar guard to subdue the beast, assuming subjugation had been achieved at all during the crusade. Either way she managed to survive or this would be a very short chapter indeed.

Surprise was also the one who turned the others, all bat ponies, on to the thrill of exploring derelict buildings in middle of the night. She literally had nothing else in common with any of her friends, not gender, not politics or religious beliefs, and she was the only one they called Miz. If her childhood plans had panned out she could have been one of the power-ponies, because the wonderbolts were all shit-birds, and anyone who wanted to be one was a turd. If her childhood plans had worked out Big Macintosh would be _her_ boyfriend instead of mooning over Rainbow Crash. If her childhood dreams hadn't been crushed by the time she reached middle school her closest friend would be a real dragon instead of a retarded alligator like gummy. More importantly, her backyard would have a water park, her friends wouldn't all live in the same foster home, and dinners wouldn't consist of white bread rolled into a little ball filled with peanut butter and fritos. Well, she'd be damned if she couldn't find her own castle grayskull to rule equestria from with an iron hoof. One day, Celestia and her corrupt regime would be overthrown and Surprise was going to be the one to do it. . .

Teddy bears and chocolates be damned, Princess Luna was a fairy tale for foals and idiots and if Surprise didn't know better she'd reveal it was all a conspiracy created by Princess Celestia to keep the batponies in line (and away from worshiping the mare on the moon)... but her father made sure she knew better. After all her daddy, Bless His Heart, was one of Celestia's personal escorts. He was one of the ponies that carried Celestia across the sky in her golden chariot with Filligree. The mystery as to why the orphans were all exiled to the sticks of Ponyville, outside of Canterlot no less, after the incident was never fully resolved. But, Surprise bet it had something to do with Twilight Sparkle, that brown nosing cosset would have her lips sewn to Celestia's plot if she could get away with it.

A/N: I watched David Cross, and I'll admit to being inspired by more than a few memes.