Review: "One Bad Apple's War" · 7:45pm May 21st, 2016

Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, or to the work being reviewed. All rights are to their respective owners. Furthermore, this review is my own personal, subjective thoughts, protected under Fair Use, and should be treated as such. Spoilers, for the most part, have been avoided, but I'm not responsible for any part of the story that I may have, intentionally or not, spoiled.

Note: This review was originally posted while the story was incomplete. Updated thoughts will come as further chapters are made, and I reserve the right to change any and all thoughts present in this review.

Story Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/329563/one-bad-apples-war

Author's Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/RoaringDecanus

“One Bad Apple's War” is a story made by RoaringDecanus, a British Gent who enjoys writing, an admirable trait in our current society, where reading and writing is slowly dying out for many individuals.

Regarding the story itself, “One Bad Apple's War” is a story based around a song titled “How Applejack Won the War” by Sherclop Pones, made 2 years ago. If you want to watch it, it can help you understand the gist of the concept, though the story is about what led up to such(as I would assume).

With that description done, here's the review itself:

I’ll be honest, I came into it with higher hopes than what I felt was delivered. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the story is “bad”, I just didn’t find it to be what I had expected it to be. This is likely due to some specific issues:

Firstly, I couldn’t figure out in what tense/voice the story was meant to be with, nor what was really going on at any given point. The story read like a play in a way, something that would be better acted than read, sort of like a Shakespeare Play, in a way. There wasn’t enough description as to the environment around most of the events in the story, and a lot of it felt really rushed. I don’t have any real specifics to list, as it just seemed that way with everything, but one in particular does come to mind, Cherilee’s Suicide. A brief conversation, where it was revealed that there was a relationship between her and Big Mac, who, prior to the conversation, fell to the enemy(he was a soldier), led to Cherilee going away from Applejack to an oncoming train, to jump in front of it, ending her life, for she had no more value for life. Now, set up properly, that could’ve been a really good scene, to show the horrors that the war has brought upon the land. However, the whole suicide scene felt rushed to me. This is the entirety of it:

---
On the distance the dirty train could be seen moving fast towards Ponyville. A dark smog cloud became the only contrast to the grey sky above it.
"I'm not going to fight." A pain could be seen in Cheerilee as those words were spoken. Shrugging Applejack off of her, she was about to do something very stupid.
"Cheerilee?" Applejack tried to place a hoof on Cheerilee's but it was swept away. Meanwhile the train had closed in and was beginning to slow.
Cheerilee stepped to the edge of the platform and then turned, standing on her back hooves. "I'm going to see him again."
"Cheerilee no!" But Applejack was too slow. Cheerilee jumped back as the train screeched to a halt at the platform. One final tear was all she left.
---

For purposes of helping the author, here’s a modified version I’ve come up with, that would express my thoughts far better than what I could type, and much faster.

---
Far away, down the seemingly-ancient train tracks near the duo, an equally-looking train barrels forth towards the station, a thick, black cloud of smoke emitting from its engine, changing only slightly the grey sky, that had become commonplace for the residents of Equestria. With a sigh, Cherilee sighs, turning towards Applejack, tears forming within her eyes.
“I’m not going to fight,” She says, looking then towards the train, a gaze Applejack followed, realizing what she meant.
“Cheerilee..?” Applejack stated, attempting to grab the distressed mare, but missing barely, as Cheerilee heads towards the edge of the station, the train drawing dangerously near.
“I’m going to see him again,” Cheerilee says when she arrives at the edge, Applejack moving closer, and other ponies starting to look towards the unfurling scene. Cheerilee then turns towards Applejack, allowing Applejack to see the tears staining the poor mare’s once-peaceful face.
“Cheerilee..Big Mac wouldn’t want this,” Applejack says, moving slightly closer, trying to bide time as the train comes closer, and to distract her enough for Applejack to grab her. Cheerilee simply shakes her head.
“Perhaps not..” Cheerilee concedes, not stepping away. “Even so..I need to see him again, I have nothing left here,” She continues, leaning back to fall into the path of the oncoming train.
“Cheerilee, no!” Applejack yells, galloping towards her, right as the train rushed by, ending Cheerilee’s life. Blood sprayed over Applejack, and she fell to the ground, fresh tears objecting to the prior numbness, streaming from her eyes.
---

Now, even that isn’t perfect, but it captures what I meant. With more description, it would’ve allowed for the readers to be more invested into what was going on, and be able to get emotionally involved into the situation. If the same was done with the rest of the story, it would’ve allowed for the readers, such as myself, to connect with the world, and Applejack’s strife, to get interested in what’s to come, and not want to put it down prior to finishing, which, sadly, despite my best efforts, I had to.

Second thing that was a huge issue in the story was the pacing and flow, which ties into the first point. In the 5000 words that make up the single chapter alone, pacing wouldn’t seem to be an issue that would cross a potential reader’s mind, yet what I found was it jumped from one thing to another, with little development to any of it. For example, the story jumped from everyone working on the farm to provide, to a brief mention of a subplot(with huge potential!) of the CMC all having to go into a willing candidate’s house due to a mandatory evacuation of, presumably, the younger ponies, as for some reason Granny nor Applejack had to, to an air raid killing Granny, who was too slow to make it into a shelter, to the barn becoming automated, then to Big Mac dying, then Applejack signing up for war due to such(despite being a pinnacle resource, supposedly, for the frontlines, providing food and the like). The fact it went so fast from each one threw me off, as I never could get invested into one situation before another hit, nor could I become focused enough to really sympathize with any of it. One could argue that it could be a poetic reference to the nature of war, but I really don’t think that was the case.

Final point of contention is the nature of the Mane 6 within this story. I’m not naive to the nature of war, though I haven’t lived through a true war-state yet in my life, and I’m aware that it brings out the worst in everyone, and changes many. That said, and I’ll generalize it, what each of the Mane 6 did or didn’t do seemed..off, in my mind. There was, once more, a really good subplot introduced involving Pinkie-Spy, but that was never developed, and Rarity ended up apparently being a slave-owner of sorts making uniforms she despised(another subplot opportunity, that could’ve made it make a lot more sense than it did), etc., two things that, as stated, would make good subplots, but seemed off due to how that was never taken advantage of. Even if it did go into more detail, I still probably wouldn’t see it making complete sense(at least in Rarity’s case, as the only thing close to it was during the Manehatten episode, and even then it wasn’t as bad as what was said in the story in a “theory”), but it would've made for a more in-depth story, and a greater outlook on what war truly does.

Final thoughts on it is simply that it was a story with great potential, that sadly fell short of what it attempted to accomplish. I’m confident in the author’s ability though, and I encourage him to not see this as condemning him and telling him to stop trying, rather see it as me trying to help him do better, so he can do what he loves to do.

My grade for this story: D

Personal note to the author: As I said man, I want to see you improve, and I hope that I’ve helped you in some way. I will be keeping track of this story, and you, and I hope to see you take my words to heart, and possibly redo this story. I’m confident in your present and future abilities, and look forward to everything you do. Aim high, my friend.

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