Rough Draft First Chapter four pages. Contains Skatillogical Humor

A/N: I do not own the characters or creatures of Ranma ½ MLP:FIM or the Dungeons and Dragons monster manual. As much as I would like to own them, possess them, or control them they are first and foremost the respected property of their creators.

Plot: Bitter rivals Ranma Saotome, Ryoga Hibiki, and Mu Tsu(Mousse) failed to coordinate their efforts to defeat the dragon half Prince Herb of the Musk Dynasty. Worse, their defeat has left them little more than beasts of burden thanks to the ladle of locking. In their failed efforts to recover the brass teapot of opening the three martial artists, cursed in the springs of sorrow, hatch several brilliant plans to prevent the magic items and springs from being forged in the first place... unfortunately, being turned into a herd of magical talking ponies doesn't keep them from being a gang of martial arts meat heads.

Nice Guys Finish Last

By Everglue Horace

Chapter 1
Take Out The Papers and the Trash

“Muah ha ha ha ha ha!” Chrysalis gloated “Soon my changeling army will break through the barrier. First we take Canterlot. Tomorrow the world.” Her villainous speech was such a horrible cliché. She didn't notice that she was monolog-ing “And, there's nothing you can do to stop me Nya ha ha, Nya ha ha ha ha.” Seriously, just change a few lines and Chrysalis would be three hairs away from crying out-

“Kneee he he! Knee he he he he. After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer...Stuff” This bold statement was preceded by a thunderous kick that had knocked the monolithic doors of the cathedral off their hinges and straight into the topiary behind Chrysalis. Unfortunately the Changeling queen had the reaction time of a cat and managed to duck out of the way. Just as one door dug itself three feet into the elevated steps made of solid fomica with a earth shattering ka-boom, all while it tore through the red carpet with gold trim. The other door managed to rip out a huge chunk of the gothic architecture. Something which caused the jambs, pillar, and posts to all crack, tear, and shatter under the weight of the overhang. Bent out of joint, as it was, the entire wall supporting the doors was likely to collapse in short order.

“DaMnit Ranma!” Another voice grumbled from just beyond the door as the silhouette of an alicorn with what appeared to be a snapped wing and broken horn smirked with contempt. The Voice, unlike the one belonging to the mare who interrupted Chrysalis crowning moment of awesome by mocking her, was definitely male.“You couldn't wait five flipping minutes.” the voice behind the shadow had an annoying twang to it. A resonance that reminded her a bit of Shining Armor, assuming he'd swallowed a few thumbtacks or his throat had been cut. “I'm practically bleeding to death over here and you want to play power rangers.”

Celestia had a look of surprised horror on her face “Sweet cream and coffee cake. You mean there's more of them.”

“Gim'me a break P-Chan,” A pink prancing pony that looked very much Mi Amore Cadenza (with a braided mane) rolled her eyes and nickered as the shadows pulled away from her form while she entered the chapel. “The sooner we get this over with-” The battered looking pony, that was obviously a bit more frazzled looking than the real Princess Cadence was moments ago, took a moment to look back at her handiwork (towards the direction of a lumbering shadow) before once again redirecting her attention forwards and into withering stare. A glare of killer intent coming from the holy mother of cockroaches. A look that could shoot daggers did nothing to intimidate Ranma Saotome. “-the sooner we can end this nightmare. ” Ranma finished this statement with a hint of annoyance.

“Need something you old nag?” Ranma had no idea how old she was, but any look that promised that much violence and pain had to take at least a decade of practice to craft properly.

“Impudent whelp, you dare Mock your Queen.” Chrysalis words sounded malicious and promised pain.

“Queen?” Said whelp got an evil grin on her face. “Hey, Guys! This bitch says she's the queen.”

“Ooh goodie,” the venom in Not Shining Armor's voice was hard to miss as he hobbled lamely through what remained of the door “we can thank her properly for locking us up in that oubliette of tartarus for the past three weeks.”

“P-chan, that was not three weeks, that was more like three days. It only felt like three weeks because time was the only direction you could move-.” Ranma replied as the unicorn in a yellow polka dot bandanna nearly collapsed on one of the pews in the back.

“Screw you, Ranma.” Ryoga coughed up some blood.

“You wish. Ow!” Ranma felt a pinch as he pulled a muscle in one of his broken wings. “I swear if I have to cut these things off with hedge clippers again I'm going to scream”

“Will you two shut up, you sound like an old married couple.” Another voice could be heard though the crumbling chapel walls, this one belonging to an inattentive gray pegasus of unidentified gender as it finished the job the other Cadence had started. Namely by flying into the disjointed pillar as it's wings splayed out and the roof collapsed on top of it with a heavy thud.

“Awe, too bad Mousse, did you finally break something other than your glasses?” The condescending tone of this pink upstart began to grate on Chrysalis's nerves as a crack (originating from the hole above the caved in frame of the doors) seemed to gain sentience, snaked it's way up the wall, crumbled into the ceiling over top of her, and promptly dropped a surprise attack -in the form if a hail sized chunk of plaster- onto her head.

This naturally occurred scant moments after the last of the three obvious traitors entered the crumbling sanctuary. “Ow!” Chrysalis rubbed the knot on her head. It really didn't take a genius for bridezilla to identify the cause of her misery.

“F*&*K yoo thoo Wonma!” The golden eyed pegasus, with a wall eyed expression and waggling tongue hanging out of her mouth like succotash, sneered.

“Rots of ruck tow head!” Wonma replied. If the pink pony could get away with it he'd blow Mousse a raspberry, but given the circumstances Ranma had limits to how big a jerk he could be in crossed company.

“ENOUGH!” Celestia and Chrysalis simultaneously broke out the royal Canterlot voice.

“Awe Snap!” Ranma face palmed. “I knew this shift would happen.”

“Did-did we just ruin another wedding?” Ryoga asked as the crowd of gathered ponies looked at him awkwardly and in an almost horrified confusion. “I just wanted the sacramental wine for my wounds. Honest.”

“Figures someone would be here. I kinda' wondered about all the guards...” Ranma mumbled “I just assumed they were the same four guys. Would explain where all the bug poop and green slime came from though.” Ranma took stock of his surroundings as he wondered aloud... Yep, definitely a wedding. Although the jaundice eyed zombie in a red barong was a nice touch, he was definitely still breathing. . . He'd been drugged enough by Kodachi's paralytics to recognize signs of life. Ranma momentarily shivered in his timbers as he recalled that one night s/he spent as Kodachi's Sunny Muffins.

“Twilight!” Celestia was going to use Chrysalis's distraction to her advantage. “Take your friends and gather the elements of harmony, Quickly.” why the princess didn't just zap Chrysalis in the butt with her magic was a mystery to all unicorns present except one.

“Enough of this expository horse crap.” The room went silent as Chrysalis managed to glare, sneer, and fart at the same time. She was that serious, that deadly.

“I agree, we were just looking for some pot, we didn't mean to crash your wedding or anything.” Ranma's blank stare wandered around the room and paused briefly on the backsides of five or six retreating ponies and stopped for a moment when he saw the shocked look of Princess Cadenza as she backed away from him cautiously. “It's made of brass, grants wishes, cures assorted blights and curses.”

Princess Cadenza's eyes darted over to Ryoga momentarily before looking back at Ranma. Unfortunately, the similarity between their appearances, nor the similarity between Ryoga and the zombie standing beside what remained of the altar in the back of chapel, failed to register with Ranma given the same impact. Mostly because the cursed martial artist hadn't really taken the time to look himself over in a mirror lately. He'd seen himself in lakes and aquifer since he'd left tartarus. But, never really took the time to admire the assorted shades of pink purple and yellow which made up his cursed form's mane and tail. Not to mention he and Ryoga had recently met a DJ with a similar color scheme a few days earlier, and both martial artists understood patterning among animals like zebra snf horses was common. Mousse practically thought anything with four legs looked like Ranma and had taken to assaulting Ryoga, along with assorted tables and chairs, in a vain attempt to make his displeasure with the womanizing martial artist known. That being said, Mousse was pretty much a dry well when it came to observation skills.

Something about 'Wonma' raised the heckles on Chrysalis back “How dare you! This is my-Ow!” Chrysalis wailed in pain as Celestia zapped her in the butt with her magic. Chrysalis immediately turned and shot a beam of green energy at Celestia. The princess then blocked the queen's assault with her own magic until the magic of the changeling queen's overtook Celestia's own and burned out the remainder of her reserves. “Ha! A mere ice cream headache and a pain in my ass is nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you once my minions get here.”

“ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!!!” Ryoga may not have known how to use unicorn magic, but he certainly knew how to use ninja techniques. After all, his family raised nin-dogs. And, there was no technique more fearsome than one intended for torturing small woodland mammals than piercing the gaster and thorax of a stunned insect with the precision of a narwhals tooth. Clearly, this was not a well thought out plan. This was a plan that involved charging head first into the unknown and feeling really dirty about it. . . because Ryoga now found his head wedged firmly up Chrysalis butt after his less than deadly assault.

One of the flower girls, a young unicorn, gasped.

Another, with a bow, was horrified.

“oH! So that's where alicorns come from.” Commented a third.

Chrysalis butt exploded in pain... “You think a mere flesh wound is enough to smite me you little S*%*7! ”

Ryoga's thought process was somewhere along the lines of “get it off, get it off, Git. It. Off.” in the “Do not want” sense of getting off. As he started charging around the room, bucking and running into walls.

“Some-pony grab a fly swatter!” came a cry from a random guest as one of the flower girls, the one with a bow, somehow managed to reign the bucking bronco, and hop onto its back, while using the bandanna around his neck as a pommel, as she whipped Chrysalis with her ribbon floral basket.

“For the love of...” Ranma was bored, at sixteen he'd seen way more interesting wedding disasters than this. With as cry of 'Judo Chop' the flower girl, named Apple Bloom if the cheering was anything to go by, had been taken out with little effort. With a second 'Judo chop' Ryoga's body was similarly incapacitated. Finally, intending only to slap Chrysalis with his meaty pink hoof, he grabbed her by the mane, looked her in the eye, and said “You! Cut that Shit out.”

To be continued...