• Member Since 26th May, 2015
  • offline last seen Oct 21st, 2020

The Fetish Unicorn

Trying to be a writer while editing and proofreading in a corner somewhere.

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I don't have a self. · 3:46am Apr 15th, 2016

I just realized today how much of me actually remains in my existence. I thought of all things I have done or did and it's either because someone told me to do it or because of the "it's right so you ought to follow it" order. This site, this fandom, and everything and everyone it entails. The accounts I have made on google, twitter, Facebook. My secret life on the internet was all but forms of escape from reality for me. But when the questions came, "What do you want to do? What do you do as hobby?" and then the "why" to the questions made realize that roughly 80 to 90% of the stuff I do in my life was because of some sort of obligation.

I feel I don't have "me" anymore. I don't think I'm worth than a penny laying on the side of the street next to a pile of dog feces. I feel like everything I do is somehow pointless and it's not starting to just piss me off. But I guess I have myself to blame, because I exist and it was I who had done everything, the little good and the plenty bad. I come on here, I lurk around, and waste the little time that I'm supposed to use it for studying but I hate my life too much to just stop wasting my time. I just think everything i've done anyone could have done it and would have probably done it better than me. So with me doing everything everyone wants me to do and doing things that everyone else can do better than me, why do I exist? I'm not doing anything much to make the world better that somebody else isn't already doing. I'm being forced to do everything that's help people, but leaving the part where I decide who and why I want to help.

I've just been given the chance at life but my path is so monitored "Do this because it's good for you. You will be able to help people. You have to make yourself like reading and like learning about the world and about academics and about the evils done as well." Sounds great, but half the info that I get drilled into my head is negative and then it doesn't help with the fact that I believe in a book that reveals the end of time. What's the point in existing knowing all of this. I mean killing myself would be the better choice right about now, but I can't do that either because my eternal punishment by the God I believe in would be hell because I threw his wonderful gift away, a gift that he has given to me.

It's not fair. I feel so depressed and have to just keep bottling up this toxic poison. I haven't been truly happy in months if not a year and some months. Every time I speak, I'm either always f***ing up something or I being a rebel. So I stopped voicing anything, and I have been rather silent for a lot of months. No one would care about me anyhow. Why can't just disappear? I have no sense of self. I hate being in college now. Can't relate and can't do what they're doing or join in events because of time and the situations I have to just deal with.

Can someone tell me who am I? I don't know anything anymore. I don't have purpose, everything has been forced. I don't have a "me" I want a "me" why can't I have one?

...I think I'm done whining like I'm four. I'll just... cut myself instead. It's the least I can do for being such a pathetic twenty year old who can't seem to get anything right. At least I can get cutting my skin right I hope...

Comments ( 21 )

I kind of know how you feel.. kind of..
first of all, find a hobby, even if it's something really simple, find what you like and enjoy, then do it, it may be hard to find it, but it's worth it.
secondly, (if you haven't already tried) socialize more, healthy relationships with multiple people improve your attitude, at least it did for me.
And I would advise against cutting, it leaves more than superficial scars.
my sister's friend still struggles with things she did, drugs, cutting, and a few things I shan't mention, please don't hurt yourself.

Sometimes I feel in similar ways that you mentioned. It's a really annoying feeling, not knowing who you are or what you like, and trying your hardest to make sure your family likes you. In these times I remind myself, God loves you and has a purpose for you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11 It takes time to realize your purpose, the sometimes annoying thing called “patience”. I like to think of it as being a Cutie Mark Crusader. :pinkiesmile:

Please, do find some kind of hobby. Something you love to do. Join a club you like or something. Also, maybe talk to your parents or some trusted adult about this. I'm sure they can help give you some advice. :twilightsmile:

3872215 I do but my parents aren't I feel the best people for this stuff. I've heard it all from their perspective. And from others, I have heard everything that would have me go against how I was taught to live. My hobby by moral standards are not... good.

3871506 Yeah, I thought that way until something called getting into college and getting a job got in my life. I have both, well a part-time job anyhow, but I still have both. The issue is that what I'm doing I didn't choose. I didn't really choose the major that I'm doing now and I feel because I haven't pay for the tuition that I will now before forced to get not only an associates in this major, but maybe even a bachelors degree. And it's just difficult going o college to do things you don't want to do. It kills the point of going.

3871501 I'll try. :ajsleepy:

3872382 Those aren't hobbies. Hobbies are what you and others can enjoy to do. Like painting, writing, even reading and dancing as a group can be fun!

3872406 Writing I guess would be that hobby. But's it's not only that. It's... everything. I just want cancel them out of my head, but I can't. It's just my reality. Everytime I come here is to create something that doesn't exist in my own reality. King is something I would add to my name outside this site but I named my username that to give myself this idea of power when in reality I'm just weak. In fact, all seems hopeless and I live for the few things that has been deemed pointless by everyone else around me.

3875400 And what are these 'pointless' things people call?

3876283 Writing about ponies. Writing about anything that is not about reality or about history. Looking at shows that make me happy because they dump negative images in the mind. It's... just frustrating. Maybe if I never knew about MLP it wouldn't seem so.. controlling.

7 Benefits of Writing Fiction

As for watching shows, what dumb images are you talking about?

3876350 The obvious things like for MLP it would be how the show is for little children and how watching it can make me want to be gay or something. My religion always have a reason why every show that isn't about God or Christianity is bad. Check, ill never have a girlfriend easily because of the fact that this girlfriend has to be a lover of the bible and have its principles, including the fact that she has to have this goal of wanting to pursue heaven. If it's not there then It isn't wise for me to love her.

Makes me wonder what happened to the times when you would like someone for who they are and just live happily together. Like where did it all go?

3876477 Ah, so your family is very religious?

3876555 Yeah, well you could say that they follow the bible completely. And if there is any part they aren't following good they hope to follow it as best they could.

3876703 Well, there are lots of articles proving that someone can't just become gay. So, if they give you a hard time with what you're watching, saying it'll turn you gay, just show them this article
Need Proof that Being Gay isn't a choice?

3876714 Hohoho, yeah that is where I am afraid to step forward.That's too much of a leap. You see. Understand me when I say that they follow the bible to the T. Using that would be the equivalent of sending me to my grave, figuratively. :twilightsheepish:

3876720 Oh. Hmm, what were some shows they love to watch?

3876726 The news, CNN to be precise. The christian radio and that's it... Don't see them watch much else.

3876807 Hmm, yeah. Maybe try small. Any show you like, and they at least tolerate?

3877512 The NBA playoffs, Discovery Channel, anything educational really. Cartoons, shows, and for the most part movies are not included.^^

3877969 Perfect! Get them use to watching those shows. Then, introduce them to other shows of the same concept, but different layout.

3879374 That's what I would have done if I didn't know my parents well enough not to try that. :twilightsheepish:

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