Insomnia · 9:37am Apr 4th, 2016
Hello, all. It's... been quite the evening here at Fort Pink. I've... been very tired lately. But I can't sleep.
I could easily, if I just shut my eyes, I know. But I have essays. And I've got this lovely thing called depression.
It's something a lot of people pretend to understand, myself included. Part of me wonders if we'll ever be able to understand it. Most of me doubts it. But, nonetheless, whether we understand it or not, it exists, and tonight, as I type, I am in the throes of it once more. I've been attempting to work on one of the two essays I have due tomorrow (aka in less than 5 hours now), and I have only a partial thesis statement written after... 8 hours of "working" on it?
Needless to say, it's... been a struggle to write when I'm like this.
To give you a bit of backstory: I am not only Miss Sugar-Pink. I am also ArreisofAvalon. My friends call me Sierra. Nice to get the pleasantries out of the way. I realized I was depressed in Freshman year of High School. At time went on, I realized I had actually been depressed for... years. Since around 6th grade. It just... steadily got worse.
I struggled with my depression for about 3 years. 3 years with my two closest friends, Kyle and Drake. Those two helped me through so much, and I am eternally grateful. Because of them, I beat my depression. I was finally happy. It took... such a very, very long time. But I was happy for 2 full years. I didn't have any depression anymore.
And now I'm in college.
And it's back now.
It's... been hard, to say the least. I realized it was back maybe a week ago - maybe 2. It's hard to remember things like time and dates when you're depressed. Since then, I've had a total of 3 break downs, and too many crying fits to count. But I can't and won't give up. I need to pass college, I need to get a good degree. I want to do this. I want to help people. So I'll tough through this.
But this is why I have not updating in ages. Anytime I sit to write, I have so much plaguing my mind. Even now, I'm getting a headache, thinking about all the things I need to do in the next 5 hours - on no sleep. Insomnia has claimed me as well. So... I guess what I'm saying is drop me if you want. Forget about me if you want. I'll attempt to update. I won't set a schedule. But I'll... keep trying, I suppose.
That's all we can hope for. :)
- Miss Sugar-Pink
Ohhhh, that explains a lot. Well, I for one don't plan on going anywhere. I'm going to wait for as long as you need for another update to your stories. Don't give up on your stories and especially don't give up on yourself. We're here for you.
*realizes there isn't a hug emoticon in the list*
...... They should fix that.
3847239 Thank you for your kindness. It's been a bit rough, but I don't plan on letting it beat me. I'm going to keep writing, no matter what. And, yes, they need to fix the emoji situation.
A small update: bondage of friendship's next chapter is about halfway done!
depression sucks... If it ever gets to the point of suicidal, just try and think of how much of a butterfly/domino effect it will cause (affecting those around you, around those, around them, around...yeah you get the point) and know that that's much worse. I also try to think of it scientifically as a kind of morbid joke to myself by conservation of mass (all that emotion has to go somewhere when it leaves you...huh...now that I think about it, I can't stop smiling when I think of my friend who just died...he was never really sad...always helping people...shit, now I'm sad again...I'm just gonna stop here....) ???? *uses phone emoticon to give hug* *becomes question marks...wtf*
3923938 Thankfully, I haven't been suicidal in a long while (other than a single moment of panic when I realized the depression was back). :) I think I'm doing a lot better.
3926714 That's great! So are you sure it isn't just high anxiety rather than depression? Those two go together like hell in a handbasket
3926743 Hmm, I don't know! I'm positive there is depression, but anxiety could be part of the mix. There's also a slight... Well, it's hard to discuss, especially in a public setting. It involves Subpersonalities, a hefty psychological topic that I've recently (VERY recently) begun researching. It's difficult, definitely. Thank you for all of your concern. I'm starting to get into a much better place after meeting my friend Emily. She's wonderful, and I do hope she stays a good friend throughout all my years of college!
3939381 thats awesome! Hope you have a great time, it was fun talking with you! (I say this as though this was a darn phone conversation