Grimdark/Adventure Fanfic help!

Would someone who is good at Grimdark and adventure stories help me revise and edit my fanfic below? Thanks.

-My Original Draft-
The Anti-Nocturnus Legion had finally achieved their primary goal: to capture Lord Nocturnus, and to torture him in eternity, thanks to the Legion's leader, Führer Walany. What lead to their vile victory you may ask? Well, here is the story. Lord Nocturnus, a stallion and master of the changelings who was friends with Autumn and Angel (who both were also friends with the Führer herself). One day the three decided to pay a visit to Twilight Sparkle and her friends at the Friendship Rainbow Kingdom castle. While the trio were there, they were interrupted by the Führer and her army. The Legion broke into the castle, terrifying the Mane 6 and the trio. Twilight tried to defend everyone but Walany gave her a thundering blow to the stomach, leaving her serverely injured. "Schwächling..." Muttered Walany as she walks away from the battered body then Twilight's friends tried to fight back for what she had done to her but the Führer's guards pointed their weapons towards them, leading them to stop and surrender. "Guards, cuff that bastard from hell!" Walany ordered, so the guards did. Then she comes up to Nocturnus and gave him a glare then knocks him out unconsciously. A few hours later, he woke up noticing that he is in a prison cell of the Anti-Nocturnus locked up and knew that something's evil is awaiting for him. Meanwhile, Führer Walany and her army of evil celebrated their victory of what they have done at this day. "Mares and Gentlecolts" Walany began as the crowd silenced,"today is the day that we finally capture this demon from the shores of hell as we mentioned since the very beginning. Sure we failed a couple times but one try would turn into success like what we did here today!" The crowd cheered to Walany then she later states, "since we've captured this bastard, in about a few days, I shall slay him, or hang him, or anything that will kill this son of a bitch!" She yelled. Then the crowd clapped a thunderous applause for their victory. "Let this demon from the bowels of hell goes back to where he belongs, Hail Walany!" The Führer shouted as the crowd began to repeat the phrase "Hail Walany! Hail Walany!" The. Everyone in the celebration cheered for their victory, a vile victory. Days later, the Legion managed to locate and take the Alicorn Amulet and kept it to themselves for ultimate power and invincibility. What Walany wanted to do with the amulet is to use it to take over Equestria for a new world order. Later, in Nocturnus' cell, he came up with a plan to escape, and so he did. It is around dinner time, an Anti-Nocturnus guard came by to give him his dinner, but when he came in, he didn't see him around the cell,"where are you!" Shouted the guard as he loads his pistol. But then a fist out of nowhere blew him to the ground dead, Nocturnus came out of the shadows taking the pistol and the food from the lying body, and it is now up to him to take down and reform Walany, and to survive the dangers within the baneful Anti-Nocturnus base of Castle Unterwelt!

This story is basically the prelude to my upcoming Wolf3D MLP fan game.