A Confession · 10:54am Oct 21st, 2014
This year has been a horrible year for me in so many ways. I've only given a lose idea of the situation and I'm so sorry, but now it's really begun to take its toll on me. Uni has been horrible, my grades have taken a major downward turn since the first trimester and I just can't find the strength or the motivation to fix it. I keep worrying about it and stressing more and more but never doing anything about it. I just feel so drained from everything and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
And we can barely pay for anything as well. Finances are tighter than they've ever been because I can't get a stupid job and hold it down for more than a few months. I feel like crap because I can't contribute to the living costs and it's my fault in the first place. They say don't blame me, but I can't help but blame myself for everything. I don't want them to pity me, I don't want them to offer me flavors or tell me "she'll be right, mate" because it doesn't help, it just doesn't.
I just feel so scared. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I used to be passionate and motivated but I don't even know what I want to do or achieve in life. I have no more motivation. I can't see anything ahead of me and it makes me scared; I don't know who I am or what I want to do with life and it makes me scared. Everything has changed so fast and I've been left behind, confused and alone with nowhere to go. I thought I was ready.
And for the past few years I've been such an ass to everyone. I've been entitled, lazy, stubborn, egotistical, and arrogant all because it made me feel better about myself. I'm so so sorry if I've been rude to you, there is no excuse for my behavior whatsoever. I shouldn't have said mean things or lashed out at people just because they had differing opinions from mine. I came to the internet because I felt safer, separated from the world in a way, but all I did was drag the issue onto others who didn't deserve it.
It's almost like I've lost God in my life. He's always been a constant, always there to help me, but for some reason I've just lost my spiritual connection. It's really hard to explain, I just feel so alone and isolated; It's like I've given up on him without realizing it. I need time to get my life sorted and fast. My family have at least offered to support me after everything I've put them through. I just wanted to get away from them because I thought I was a burden, a liability to them, I thought I was doing them a favour by packing up and leaving. I don't know if I made the right decision.
I just don't know what I'm doing anymore and I'm terrified. I don't know what to do and it's my fault.
My year has been shitty, too. Big examinations, preparing to leave friends, fights with parents are more frequent, eyesight getting worse. Basically, everything I hate has become more frequent.
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=J6pAxF2br_U]
This will cheer you up
Ps:if the video is not there copy and paste it