18 - Misunderstood

I am emotionally unavailable.

The truth is that being emotionally unavailable makes some people want you even harder. They think that, if they can love you enough or care for you enough, they'll break whatever it is that stops you loving or caring back.

It's horrible. There is few things worse than my anger when I realise that I just can't fall in love, because inevitably, at some point, I've caved in and carried on with the charade of loving them in return. I don't do it because I want to intentionally hurt them. I do it because I want to love them, and I think that if I do all the things that people who fall in love do, it might be different this time. It might actually be me who falls in love.

But, again, that just doesn't happen. You know months or years ahead of them that it's not different this time. Then, finally, the feeling wears off and people realise that there's something wrong, something really wrong, with the relationship. So I tell them the truth because I'm fond of them and I don't like lying to my good friends. But they don't ever understand. They look at me like I'm some kind of soulless robot who's kept them trapped in a tangle of lies for months, for my own amusement and sadistic urges.

The worst thing is even though I'm not sadistic (I'm just someone who's popular and empathetic but who just can't fall in love), deep down I know that they're right. By their normal measures, I'm worse than the people who scream at them, who swear at them, because at least they have the balls to be up-front about the oncoming abuse.