Hello FimFiction! · 5:08am May 21st, 2012
The title for this blog post is horribly inappropriate, as I have been on this site for a while now. I'm writing this tonight because this has to be said, even though the horrid humidity is trying to sap my strength and leave me into an apathetic, angry husk that is ready to snap at the slightest interruption. Just because I want to beat around the bush and take my time, I'm going to say that, in my mind, I should be saying this to all of you with a beer in hand. Beers all around, drinking in camaraderie, sharing laughs and having the best time we all could. But with how mad I was earlier today, a beer might not be a good choice of drink right now.
In fact, I'd like to center this first blog around just that: anger. I've been angry in my life, taking shit for factors beyond my control. I don't want to go into details, just thinking about it makes me want to do terrible things. Let's keep this calm and collected, eh?
I have had bad luck getting into this community. I'll admit, I'm somewhat of a lurker when it comes to this fandom, appreciating the creations from afar and not caring too much with making friends here. However, I got lonely. I blame the ponyconfessions tumblr, where there have been confessions from people saying that they have made the bestest friends they could ever find in this fandom. Well, provided that the show the fandom is based around is all about friendship, I decided to give it a shot. I feel like I would've made more progress talking to a brick wall. I can be seen as a shy, quiet person, so it always felt like I was just being ignored. I joined some chat rooms, played Battlefield 3 on some pony servers, which I got kicked from, and even hit up a forum or two. No matter what, it always came down to the same damn thing. First, I was ignored, or so I told myself, and then I got irritated. I would ask myself, "What makes THEM so much better?" "Why are THEY covered in friends and I can't even get anyone to fucking notice me?!" and other questions along those lines. I was probably shifting the guilt and all that, defense mechanisms and such that I forgot the names of. Eventually, I just say, "Fuck it, I'm better on my own" and then I leave.
I just got off that phase, actually. I was going on the latest forums I joined and I kept telling myself that I should just leave. Fuck 'em, I don't like any of them anyway. This time though, something was different. I told myself, "You don't know that, idiot. You never made an effort to talk to any of them!" I took responsibility this time around, but oddly enough I haven't tried to talk to any of them on skype. They've called in a group, but I hate talking in groups. Y'know what's cool? I got derailed like I normally do when I talk, and here I'm writing!
To get back on topic with anger. I write these fanfics for a few reasons, none of which are uncommon:
1) I wanted to give back to the community.
2) I had ideas that I wanted to see written that no one had written.
3) Fanfics are fun to write and I can just go batshit insane with them.
However, as a writer, I carry around a hefty weight of arrogance. So when I see people falling all over each other for someone else's stories and not mine, I get a little ticked. Absolutely immature, I'm sure someone will say, but at least I have the guts to be completely honest with myself. Well, that's what happened that left me being so mad recently, although none of you knew it. Someone was better received than I was and I nearly flipped my desk. Mind you, I never read their stories and have no intention of doing so. Partly out of childish resistance, partly out of a general disinterest which could be contributed to the childish resistance. But I kept asking myself, why oh WHY am I not getting any attention?
I'd take a long pull of beer here, if you're still reading, and maybe look into the fireplace. So I got upset for a bit, and the humidity did not help at all today. I know part of the reason people don't like my stories is because I deal with humanization. I'm sure at least one person disliked my stories on that fact alone, and I can blame them entirely. But I can't complain at all about that, because that is my choice to do so, and I will not stop writing about humanized ponies. I've seen people flip their shit over humanization, and they are the reason why I write the characters as humans. Partly to tick them off, but mostly because I don't want to write about hooves and mouths doing basic actions like turning a faucet. But there's a better reason why I write these fanfics, and just write in general.
This is going to sound super cheesy, so I'm just going to say that I write for people like you guys and for myself. You all decided to give my writing a chance and you liked what you saw (But don't let me put words in your mouth. Tell me how wrong I am!). I know that popularity is cool and all, but then I have to wonder if I could see the amazing people buried under the comments of "FIRST" and "OMG SO GOOD." Not to discredit people who do that, but there's no depth to those comments, nothing that makes YOU stand out. So right now, I'm back to not caring that I only have 5 people watching me. You're all great. In fact, I still remember the comment that HeyCheerilee left on Manhattan Ballad that really brightened up my day. Unfortunately, because I'm an idiot, I didn't realize that I had deleted that comment when I put up the second set of notes. Sorry I never responded to that, but don't think for a second that I didn't appreciate it.
Anyway, this felt good to get off my chest. I could have started another fanfic in the time it took to do this, but I think that this entry was something that I really had to write. Sorry if I stopped making sense, and I'm really sorry if you're offended by my horrible swearing, but if you're reading any of my stories, what else could you expect? Thanks for the support guys, and stay tuned.
