If Robert California...

A Chance Meeting with Robert California

Dr. Chocolate Filling was about to call it in. Another day had passed and as usual he had been flooded with endless mares and stallions questioning everything from morality to mustard. But alas, the day was over and he would be able to finally relax in the comfort of his own home. Perhaps he would even entertain the idea of a bubble bath with a nice glass of chardonnay to ease his spirits. Tomorrow was going to be a weekend and all the pegasi were off training for some "water-tornado" as he had heard it.

Before he locked the wooden oak door, he took a moment to observe his office. A tiny, one-room establishment that evoked peace and tranquility opposed to redundancy and chaos. Being an aging stallion with a mane suffering from baldness, he had spent most of his bits grooming this very room. The mahogany table, hoof-crafted in Vanhoover by the best craftsman money could buy. The plants collected from various parts of Equestria and beyond, provided a plethora of fauna to pump out oxygen to his patients. The wall, painted a soothing, beige eerily similar to the color of his coat.

With a satisfied sigh, he turned around to make a quick pass-bye around the receptionist’s desk. The mare was currently milling over several papers, and sneaking a quick peak, he noticed that all of the papers had some sort of company logo imprinted near the top. Sabre.

“Night Daisy,” Dr. Fill waved with his free hoof, “call me in-“

“Sir,” the mare’s voice rang out like a siren. “You still have one more patient?”

“What? No! No…” The stallion shook his head, recalling quite vividly his last patient being that odd dentist from Ponyville who had suffered yet another mental breakdown from the unhygienic populace.

“Hello there,” a deep, enigmatic voice rang out. The mere sound of it penetrating his ears caused the doctor to stop in his tracks, turning around to find the source. The apparent source was a fairly tall stallion with a light grey coat and dark grey mane. His wings were currently folded, and the only piece of clothing he bore were a pair of jet-black spectacles that hung firmly to his snout. His eyes were rather dark, although the irises seemed to shift in colors, going from green to blue to purple to red…and so on and so forth.

“Allow me,” the mysterious pegasus gently pushed the wooden oak door open, “I look forward to our little chit-chat on this fine…Equestrian day yes?”

“But of course,” the Dr. Fill murmured. Without even questioning his own schedule, the psychiatrist trotted back into his office, flicking the switch on. Moving towards the stiff armchair in the corner of the room, he sat down, pulling out a tiny brown clipboard as the pegasus waltzed around the room, examining every square inch for himself.

“A lovely little chateau I presume?”

“A humble abode is more like it,” Dr. Fill answered sincerely, “I don’t like to brag but-“

“Nonsense,” the stallion interjected, his gentle, calm tone cutting through the doctor’s voice like a silver sword. “I’ve always believed in showing one’s pride. It’s quite clear this office represents you as an identity. As an individual. As an equine of Equestria.”

Dr. Fill was unable to speak for a moment, his eyes just watching the pegasus make his way across the office. “What did you say your name was?”

“I never said my name,” the stallion carefully laid on the sofa, “but I will enlighten the cerebral cortex of your pitiful mind with an answer. Robert. California. The name must be said in two separate sentences.”

“I see…” Dr. Fill scribbled the name, “Quite a mouthful, would you care to explain what ‘California’ means or even ‘Robert’?”

“Ahhh,” the pegasus sank deeper into the white silk couch, “California is derived from a popular myth in my world. You see, there were these groups of ravishing natives who lived on an island called California, where they made tools out of pure…solid gold.”

Dr. Fill began jotting down the words in his own notebook for later use. After all, he could be on to something. If this pegasus was from a faraway land, then nopony here would have heard of the myth. He could make millions and maybe even outsell Daring Do!

“As for Robert…” California continued, “in order to simplify it to you Equestrians, means famed…bright…shining…”

Each adjective struck a string in the psychiatrist’s organs. His stomach was filled with butterflies, but his mind was glued to the enigmatic stallion before him, unable to take said eyes off.

“Well…Ro-Bert,” Dr. Fill uttered, “what would you like to talk about?”

“Many things,” Robert began, “I’m not from your universe see? I am…what you may call a visitor from another dimension of sorts.”

“I don’t understand,” Dr. Fill chuckled, retaining a bit of confidence, “then how did you end up in a place like Equestria?”

“I couldn’t much tell you, just like a man cannot tell a coconut what tree it came from or tell a neutered dog where his great-grandfather last had intercourse with his great-grandma. Just like a man can’t tell a star exactly what series of cosmic events led to its birth. Sure science believes it provides the answers…but science only guesses. And guesses can be wrong.”

“But mostly they’re right,” Dr. Fill silently scolded himself for the outburst. In truth, the “outburst” was nothing more then a whisper.

“How can you be so sure? Before I came here, I didn’t have the mind to fathom such a world even existing in our universe. And yet, here it is. What I do or do not know is no longer of your concern doctor. Simply ask yourself the question ‘how?’ and then you will see that there is no direct answer.”

“What about magic?” Dr. Fill inquired.

“Magic,” Robert smiled, “magic is just another way for leaders to explain phenomena to their misguided followers. And I know all there is to know about magic.”

“How could you possibly know that?” Dr. Fill could feel the butterflies in his stomach being cooked from the now boiling vat of acid that was sloshing in his gut. “You’re not a unicorn!”

“I don’t need to be a unicorn,” California answered calmly, “I can do whatever a unicorn could do without a horn. In fact, I could accomplish flying without wings. Tricks without magic. Deception without a target. You rely too heavily on superficial signs to determine what can and cannot be done.”

“I-I…” Dr. Fill felt himself stuttering, unable to counter the argument. “But you’re a pegasus?”

“Only to display my love of life,” Robert beamed, his feathery wings flaring. However, they soon drifted back to their respective sides. “However, and if I may be blunt, this room reeks of death and humiliation.”

That was it. Robert might as well have put a hammer and chisel over Dr. Fill’s heart. What confidence-or anger-he had mustered up earlier was all but gone. Once again, he was at the mercy of the stallion and his words.

“I-“

“It’s occurred to me,” California continued, undeterred, “that my standards for life are rather high in comparison to most other beings. As you may call it, I like to live my life…’vivaciously’ you see. However, for me, the definition is simply an overstatement. A vivacious life would require me to have expended all my energy and I can guarantee that not one bead of sweat had ever secreted from my skin pores when I live my life to a standard most commoners are adjusted to.”

“I don’t understand…” Dr. Fill stated blankly.

“I would expect so from you,” California frowned, “your life is the incarnation of disappointment and failure. This office: a collage of all that pent up depression disguised to portray your vanity of all things. You’re balding hair is not some physical ailment that plagues the body but rather the mind. Your pathetic excuse of a life has caused your alluring hairstyle to slowly rot away in the great expanse of time.”

Dr. Fill silently nodded, his eyes giving off a blank stare as if Robert had put him in hypnosis somehow. “How would you know that?”

“I saw it the moment I stared into that wrinkled, ancient blob of skins cells you call a face.”

Suddenly, the room felt like a prison. No longer was this his peaceful escape from the real world. It was-as Robert had put it-all his anxieties locked up in a closet. And the only key now lay in Robert’s grey…slender hooves.

“You’ve been sensually deprived of all happiness, these plants being a vain attempt to revitalize a dehydrated heart.”

“What is my heart thirsty for then?” The psychiatrist wanted to leave his armchair. It was clamping onto his hooves, trapping him in this delusional prison of misery.

“Life my friend,” California grinned, “you want to travel across the land. Your patients have little to no respect for you and I highly doubt that any new patients you meet on your travels will differ.”

“If I travel.”

“When you travel,” Robert corrected, “for you will leave this goddessforsaken pit of desolation in search of flourishing metropolises and empires to add to that little notebook of yours.”

“When will I start?”

“First,” Robert explained, “you will forget about the wine and bubble bath. Not only are you a grown stallion but frankly it is both appalling and embarrassing. You’re going to drop the starched uniform for a more…flavorful fashion. Don’t take anything with you. Your reputation as a renowned psychologist will disguise your travels as some sort of charity to the other misfortunate individuals that reside in these lands. Do not worry about the where, the who, or the why.”

“What about how? Or what?”

“What about them?” Robert mused, “I’ve explained both as being quite useless. The mere idea of suggesting such idiotic concepts to you would be detrimental to your already deprived mind. You will only worry about the when.”

“And…”

“When as in being now-” California facehoofed himself “-as in get up and leave.”

“But this is my office…” Dr. Fill meekly protested.

“Your office is a prison, that armchair might as well be a noose. You have only so much time to free yourself or perish in the death trap you’ve concocted.”

Dr. Fill was speechless, his body frozen in the armchair. The wooden clipboard slowly slid off his lap, rebounding on the floor with a thump. His notebook tucked ferociously in his coat, the psychiatrist quietly trotted towards the door, vanishing around the corner.

Robert California merely sat in the sofa for another minute, musing over his current predicament. Without another word, he slowly rose to his hooves, and silently departed out the door.

“Dr. Fill!” Dasiy ran out into the brisk, evening cold. “Where are you going?”

The beige colored stallion slowly turned around, his face a mixture of shock and pure joy. No longer was he constrained to meaningless appointments and worthless contracts. Robert California had left him with a gift. The key to escape his office. And that key now had the potential to be the entrance to a plethora of adventures.

“I’m going to find my life.”

For those of you who don't know Robert California, he can be found in the famous sitcom The Office. This is merely my thoughts mulling over a very short story. So please...just bear it as you will.