Equestria Girls: My Thoughts

I subjected myself, though I could have sworn it felt like being Alex de Large in the chair in A Clockwork Orange watching this, twice.

Before going down the play-by-play of the reaction I had to the trailer, I must state this: I avoided this trailer for sometime after seeing the first and am only compelled to give my thoughts on it because RazortheAwesome did so. However, whereas he gave you his opinion in a few words, I present the play-by-play reaction I had to the trailer or as I like to call it, Hell.

Let us jump feet first into this mess, shall we

0:00 “Hasbro Presents” something that will not be resembling an apology anytime soon

0:10 Guard in the background that introduces Twilight Sparkle is the blue haired punk from the other trailer that she befriends in the high school setting – way to be subtle Hasbro and why is he not a Crystal Pony since the last time we were here they all had a transparent look to them

0:16 Why does she have your crown? You are a princess in a palace and last time I visited England, the important crowns and such were guarded by intimidating security guards as well as encased in glass not to mention place in a safe or a vault. My point is why was it so easy to steal?

0:22 Why is there a magic mirror in the palace and more importantly – why is the blue hell is she staying at the Crystal Empire? Just asking

0:27 So that Crown being in Universe predicates the functionality and usefulness of the other five Elements of Harmony – survey says WTF

0:31 Cadence confirms Elements of Harmony are a weapon

0:34 So to rescue the Crown, they send One, that’s right, One pony to rescue what essentially amounts the most IMPORTANT MAGICAL OBJECT in Equestria… Celestia, I do not trust you

0:40 Why is Spike a dog – This actually comments upon his relationship with Twilight in a rather disturbing fashion hinting that other than being her ad hoc servant/ kidnapped child/ brother/son he is actually her pet – again WTF

0:51 “What am I?” A cheap cash in to make more money – that is what you are, Twilight Sparkle

0:53 “My magic isn’t working” You’re not Hermione Granger, you are a human – just saying

0:56 Last time I checked, skirts and soccer do not mix well

0:57 Why does Fluttershy as a human keep a bunny and a kitten in her backpack? I am totally getting an ‘I steal pets from the popular people’ vibe here and that this whole thing ends with her dancing with Winona in a shed in her parents’ backyard

1:03 That is Luna carrying the crown, isn’t it? I think I just died a little inside

1:04 Fall Formal… we have abandoned all pretext and this is turning into a cross between Saved By the Bell, Degrassi, and Glee… I have officially entered my own personal hell and there is no possibility of escape – THIS IS GOING TO SUCK.

1:10 Song playing confirms suspicions – all that is missing is Alvin and Chipmunks singing to me

1:14 Roseluck humanized… Ordinarily I take no issue with this however, she looks like a skank not to mention the hairstyle and the earrings and the WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE…

1:15 Trixie’s here too… Hasbro hates me doesn't it?

1:16 Song still sucks

1:18 Why is it still playing

1:24 PHOTO FINISH – YOU ARE LIKE FORTY YEARS OLD – WHY ARE YOU IN A HIGH SCHOOL And hey the humanization actually works a little here but still canon character development, what’s that?

1:25 Cutie Mark Crusaders – Why are you here and more importantly why are you here?

1:26 Best humanization I have seen – Vinyl Scratch then again that’s not saying much

1:28 I saw Snails standing there…

1:47 “The talking dog is the weird thing about this” asked as a question - Behold the most legitimate thing I have witnessed in the last one minute and forty seven seconds of my life

1:51 “The magic of Friendship Never Changes” but apparently tone, character development, setting, motivations, ideals, and you know, the established storyline do – I have little to no hope that this thing will be good but then again, I never really expected to see this THING in theatres.

I can at least be thankful that much like any given DBZ film or Inu Yasha film that this piece of cinema, cinema spelled S-H-I-T, will not be canon, unless they find some way to radically make love with the space-time continuum. It is truly an amazing feat of writing, editing, and all other creative powers that be that somehow, somewhere, someone came up with this idea, which I will admit is an interesting idea. The idea of being thrust into a totally new setting and new dimension entirely could work out well, however, here it is completely mishandled to a level of failure so grand that they may as well be turning World War Z into a feature length film with nothing to do with the source material. On the plus side, at least I have not spotted Derpy in this trailer though rumors are popping up that she is in the film proper.

It is also thoroughly amazing as to the level of negative fucks that were given to the existing material, at which point I am now milking the proverbial cow teat raw.

Needless to say, this thing is going to suck in every conceivable way possible and unless by some misguided miracle, by miracle I am using the old definition of someone was conned by Lord El Zebub out of his or her soul for five dollars and a bottle of Everclear, it does well.

In brief, I do not like this thing, and it is clear that it is just a cheap product thrown together as a means of scraping together more money at least until Transformers 4 comes out in theatres, which is coming out in the next year, and they roll out, pun unintended, the new toy lines. I do not care about this thing after seeing its trailers and in three months will forget that it exists, at least until I am walking through Target’s video section and see it laying out there on the shelves, taunting me.

I posit this, is there some kind of mandate that says “Hey, it’s a film/ musical about girls, we need it to be in high school” because I can list several films with central female leads that did not mention high school at all.

RazortheAwesome posits this: Does this story/ movie/ atrocity take place in the 1950’s … oh my god the fashion, the boots, the fucking hair styles, he’s goddamned right. This is Grease minus the hair, the music, the sex, the drugs, the beer and most importantly a pre-Scientology John Travolta crooning for 2 hours about sex, beer, and more sex with the Australian chick.

If no, why are they dressed like that?

If yes, this raises some confusing and perhaps disturbing notions about what Hasbro believes the demographic to like because the last time we checked, none of us, painting with a broad brush here, none of us were even alive in the fifties. Hell, we all know about the fifties from our parents and history because when we think love and tolerance, nothing screams it more than red scare America and the race riots.

Woohoo.