Babbling and Requests · 3:50am April 21st

The clickbait part of this is that im taking requests, and ill detail that towards the end. the only payment i can request is that you read me rambling about story stuff :P im hitting some writers block and the best way for me to get through that is to step through my thoughts, however i swear to God im becoming stupider by the day and it feels impossible to just go through it myself. i need to talk to people, but atm im having some interpersonal relationship struggles, so shouting into the void is the closest i can get to collaborative thought.

i sat down and started to write an entry for the science fiction contest iii, and ive written about 3k words before running into a big barrier in thought, i guess stemming from me not really knowing what i want to say. the writing is titled 'xerox' and it is about a pony named charming bloom recovering as a synthetic clone of herself after an accident mangles her organic form. ive written up to the accident, but as soon as we get to her new body i start to fumble.

the point is, and this is the running thread in most of my writing that youll see repeated again and again (call it a leitmotif instead of inoriginality), is the trauma of stripping ones identity/the stress of doubting the purity/sanctity of oneself. theres this specific fear that i adore of feeling shifted, adjusted, modified in some way, but being unsure how exactly. just waking up one day and realizing your home doesnt feel like home- like, you no longer feel comfortable breathing in the same air, you no longer recall exactly the memories spanning years into the past, you no longer feel at home where you first walked, first talked, first thought, first smiled and laughed and played and cried. or realizing your body is suddenly this viscerally disgusting thing, that you spent years acclimating yourself to your skin taut over flesh, the slack in your muscles, the occasional ache in your joints, suddenly wiped clean with new distress. it catches my interest when this sudden realization happens for no reason, but i also like when it happens for a literal physical tangible reason.

if you died and your brain got transplanted into a new form without your consent thatd be, like... fucked up. see, the struggle with writing right now is the words escape me for the larger concepts that im trying to pin down. the totality of experience is just so enormous... to refuse death is such a fundamental disrespect towards the laws of nature, and its inherently stripping you of autonomy and personhood by reducing yourself down to bundles of neurons. but its not incorrect to boil and distill yourself down like that if you put meaning into your form, be it organic or robotic, so i think id like to play with the idea that the distinction doesnt truly matter with the right mindset. but still there has to be something to say on how alien you must feel to be operated on without any care for your "purity" but i might be overanalyzing the purity portion.

im not super sure what to have happen after the accident. im struggling to write slice of life daily stuff of a pony questioning her sanity and being disgusted by her form. the words become repetitive eventually, inevitably, and i dont have a super big point im working backwards towards, reverse engineering a moral. i tossed around the idea of having her take out her batteries to allow nature to take its course but im not thrilled at the idea and whats the point of writing something philosophical that i dont believe in? a more positive spin might be more appreciated, i kind of need it right now.

anyways, im willing to draw anything pony. im really interested in doing cover art for people to try and get my name around if anyones looking for help with their stories

Report questionmark · 15 views ·

Comments ( 1 )