How to Disappear Completely

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Cider

Spitfire's eyes crossed.

"Brllgrkkktt!"

She pulled the mug of cider from her mouth, slapped it onto the bar counter, and sputtered half the contents of her latest sip. Once this gargling attack had run its course, she wiped her flame-yellow muzzle dry and grimaced at Soarin.

"You want me to do what?!"

Soarin and Flash Sentry stood casually beside her in the inner-city tavern. Crystal pony patrons glanced nervously at the scene before returning to their various tables and discussions.

"I'd like you to pledge the Wonderbolts to organizing the festivities for the Crystal Empire's unification with Equestria!" Soarin grinned wide. "Simple as pie!"

"'Simple' my aerodynamic butt!" Spitfire sneered. "And don't make analogies out of your food fetishes!"

"Spitfire—"

"Soarin, do I friggin' look like a party clown?" The lines in Spitfire's muzzle hardened. "I know we're on ground leave, but I'm the Captain of the Wonderbolts! I'm needed in an aerial authority capacity! Public relations just isn't my forte! It never has been!"

"And guess what!" Soarin smiled. "You won't have to do any of the dirty work! All I'm asking you to do is to approach the stewards in the Crystal Palace and tell them that the Wonderbolts are willing to pick up the ball that the three officials had no choice but to drop while negotiating with the Yakyakistanians!"

"But still..." Spitfire leaned against the bar while arching an eyebrow. "You're asking me to use the Wonderbolts as some sort of community organizers..."

"And how is that any different from how we normally roll?" Soarin shrugged. "All of those public acrobatic shows performed for flight camps? Our appearances at the Cloudsdalian flight competition?"

"This will be a lot like that!" Flash Sentry interjected. "Only—a teensy step up! But think about it!" He winked, teeth glinting through his smile. "The only reason Prince Blueblood and his associates got anything to work out with the canine packs of Highpaw is because they had you and your wingmates to help out! By your authority the Midnight Oil was able to complete its delivery, assure prosperity for the Crystal Empire, and rein in a new chapter in Equestrian history!"

"Who better to welcome the Crystal Empire to the Union than the group that made sure such a venture would be possible?" Soarin gestured. "You're our captain, Spitfire. All we need you to do is get the stewards permission."

"M-maybe give them the same pitch we just gave you," Flash said, smiling nervously.

"Then you can leave the rest of the work to us!"

Spitfire's eyes narrowed. "Who's us?"

"Uhhhhhh..." Soarin looked at Flash.

Flash looked at Soarin.

"Let me worry about that." Soarin cleared his throat and smiled at Spitfire again. "And let me handle the management of the festivities."

"Which involves...?"

"Finding caterers, entertainers, decorators, and musicians to help the Crystal Empire host this event," Soarin explained.

"Fancy Pants says that several dignitaries and nobles and other big pony names from all across Equestria have already been summoned," Flash Sentry interjected. "But because of the typical organizers and representatives being held up in Yakyakistan, Blueblood and his associates risk embarrassing the Crystal Empire if they don't set things up super quick!"

"That's where we come in!" Soarin winked. "Aside from representing the bravest and boldest of Equestrian might—are we not the fastest equines alive?"

Spitfire sighed long and hard. Rubbing her temple, she gazed thinly at Flash. "Let me guess." She nodded her head at the teenager. "This was all Acne-Flank's idea."

"Gotta admit, Spitfire. The kid's genius comes through right when we most need it." Soarin cleared his throat. "And he hasn't got acne on his flank. Just a shield and a lightning bolt."

"Whoah!" Flash gawked at his own fuzzy butt. "That's a shield? I thought it was an Atari Jaguar controller dipped in blue paint!"

"Rnnngh..." Spitfire facehoof'd. "Goddesses, spare me..."

"I know it's a strange request at the last second, but Equestria needs somepony to intervene. The Wonderbolts are in the right place at the right time. On behalf of the Crystal Empire... on behalf of Prince Blueblood and his associates... on behalf of the stewards and the denizens of High Paw and Equestrian citizens everywhere..." He leaned forward. "...won't you let us save the day?"

Spitfire inhaled... exhaled. After a few seconds of silence, she squinted at her second-in-command once again. "And you're sure I won't be bugged constantly about this?"

Soarin crossed his heart. "I promise. Once you deliver the message to the stewards, you won't have to lift another feather. Leave the rest of it to me. I'll recruit all of the wingmates I have to and we'll round up the ponies we need to make the festivities go smoothely."

"Well, you'd better move your tail," Spitfire muttered. "This ain't our normal line of work, and nopony at HQ knows a thing about it. So I can't promise anypony extra pay for what's essentially a bunch of volunteer crap." Her brow furrowed. "You do remember that we're supposed to be on ground leave until the Midnight Oil is ready to drift off again?"

"I'm well aware."

"So you'll be cutting into everypony's R&R time." Spitfire chuckled wryly, lifting her mug back to her lips. "Good friggin' luck getting volunteers."

"Oh, I think we'll do well!" Flash grinned. "This whole event can only be fun!"

After taking a sip, Spitfire studied Flash quizzically. "Celestia on a bike, you're a queer kind of duck. You'd better have a bunch of fireworks under that stiff upper lip of yours, kid, or else this whole crazy plan's gonna go straight into the cesspool."

Flash's eyes narrowed on her. "Well, it won't be going anywhere until the matter is first brought to the stewards," he said. "And swiftly."

Soarin bit his lip.

Spitfire's eyes remained locked on Flash—even as she brought the mug one final time to her lips and gulped the last of its contents. Stifling a belch, she stood up from the bar stool, swept her fight goggles up from the counter, and made for the door. "Alright, then." Her tail flicked as she crossed the tavern. "Let it never be written that I wasn't a 'generous captain.'"

Flash bowed from a distance. "It's very much appreciated, Ms. Spitfire—"

"Don't powder your parisol yet, Daisy." Spitfire grasped the door and threw a squinting glance over her shoulder. "I'm not doing this for you."

Soarin's eyes reflected a trailing smirk, and then the Wonderbolt Captain was gone. He exhaled a pent-up breath and leaned against the nearby bar for support.

Flash glanced at him. "You really shouldn't treat talking to her like going ten full rounds against Ivan Drago."

"Even if I knew what that meant..." Soarin ran a hoof through his mane, shuddering. "...I'd still say you were full of it."

"Dude, relax!" Flash smiled and patted Soarin's shoulder. "We've got something awesome to do and you've helped make it happen! Give yourself some credit." He winked. "The two of you have worked together for a super long time. She respects you more than you care to realize."

"I just... don't want to take advantage of that trust."

"Pffft. If you ask me, you've earned it."

"Still, I hope she's not mad at me."

"Nah. You're overreacting, bro."

"You really think so...?"

"I once dated a girl like her. The whole 'female dog' thing is just a front... and one that's easily dissolved." Flash smiled. "For real—once life finds a way to give it a permanent belly-rub, you'll find someone reasonable and friendly hiding underneath."

Soarin smirked back. "Lessons from Girl Number One?"

"Lessons I should have learned a long time ago," Flash said with a belated sigh. He shook his head. "Don't let your friends forever turn into strangers, dude. In the end... you'll only have yourself to blame."

"Mmmmm... I don't know about all that."

Flash shrugged. "Again, that's just from my human experience."

"And what of your pony experience?"

Flash swallowed. "Jury's still out."

"Yeah, I can buy that."

Silence.

"Sooooo..." Soarin stretched his muscles. "Now we play the waiting game."

"How long does it usually take to have a full conversation with the stewards of the Crystal Empire?"

"Depends on whether or not Princess Cadance is having her mane styled."

"Heheheheheh..."

Soarin gestured at the bar. "Want a mug of cider?"

"I... dunno. Just how hard is the the cider?"

"What do you mean?"

"Cuz I'm not twenty-one, man."

Soarin gasped. "You mean you're not old enough to earn your flier's license?!?! All this time you lied to me!!!"

Flash paled. His ears drooped in momentary horror.

"... ... ...snkkkt...!" Soarin guffawed, then slapped Flash's shoulder. "Hahahaha!"

Flash exhaled with relief, his wings drooping. "Sonuvabitch... you had me for a second."

"Just one mug. To get you started."

"Sure, what the Hell. If I'm going to get drunk for the first time it might as well be when I'm already fuzzy."

Comments

[Grey Rebl]

Hmmm... For as long as there’s alcohol and testosterone involved, something is going to go gay. And from all my time reading your stuff so far, Skirts, I mean it gets gaaaay.

[IceKitsune]

Ohhh time to get drunk!

[The Great Derpsby]

Normally I would tell Flash not to worry, since Equestrian cidre probably has lots of fizzle and very little pop. Something only a colourful little magic equine could get drunk on.

Thing is, though, he currently is one...

[Mix-up]

I wonder how Flash constitution will stand up to Equestrian cider, and won't was sort of plus charisma he will get from being completely plastered during the preparations.

[Hawattie]

Will Flash black out and plan the whole shindig without remembering? Let's find out!

[StardustSurvivor]

8780183
I mean, i ship it hella hard at this point.

[Holydude]

I do hope flash finds a nice girl here eventually. Man has enough on his plate right now before considering finding someone

[Booster Spice]

8780658

"Whoah!" Flash gawked at his own fuzzy butt. "That's a shield? I thought it was an Atari Jaguar controller dipped in blue paint!"

Hay Flash, I found tis lovely female for you, quiet, demure, and wanting to go Tempest 2000 on your ass.

As for Ivan Drago. Shouldnt that bring unhappy memories back for Soarin?

Drago Dragon sounds like Torches Second in Command.

[pahnazd]

If I'm going to get drunk for the first time it might as well be when I'm already fuzzy.

A buzz and a fuzz. A double whammy!

[Bookeater_otaku]

8780183
Ah! Maybe that's how he will avoid people wondering why there is two Flash. EG Flash is going to end up in drags for a while.

Now, will Flash be a happy drunk, a sad drunk or a angry drunk?

[Ranun]

I've read the first 3 chapters and I have to say this needs a "extremely depressiong" tag.
I mean I often get into the perspective of the main character and I'm fighting with all my will to not just stop reading and then just stop doing everything. If it gets better later, people who do continue reading and were depressed might get better, but those who won't continue reading will get to Flash's level of depression.

[wlam]

"Whoah!" Flash gawked at his own fuzzy butt. "That's a shield? I thought it was an Atari Jaguar controller dipped in blue paint!"

Damn but Flash is fucking old-school! I learned to play games on a goddamn C64 and I wouldn't have recognized that, but he's totally right! It looks exactly like that.

[FloydienSlip]

"That's a shield? I thought it was an Atari Jaguar controller dipped in blue paint!"

Damn near killed myself laughing, you bastard.

[berrytone]

Soarin stepping into a leadership position is solid character growth.