How to Disappear Completely

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Dawn

Hours later...

After a fitful "sleep"...

Flash Sentry sat on his hindquarters, squinting beyond the shiny railing of a crystalline balcony. His room in the palace overlooked the eastern edge of the city. From there, he could see the sun rising over the northern hilltops. Dew-ladened grass shone in bright emerald bands, evaporating mistily in a cloudy swath that swept slowly towards the Empire like a lace sheet. As even that dissipated, a fiery amber beam melted across the sky, alive with birds and warmth and the rising hum of life.

In contemplative silence, Flash sat. He felt a steady, heavy beat in his chest—not so much provoked by the sheer beauty of the dawn, but tickling his mind with the gnawing fact that he had seen it that beauty multiple times before... in another world... sandwiched between the sighs... hidden deep behind woeful thoughts and loathsome frowns.

He knew well enough about ugliness. What he had long forgotten was what was obscured underneath it. Flash wondered whether or not he would finally see that beauty when he went back home... or if he would have to work hard to dredge it back up to the surface.

Somehow, the teenager betted on the latter, and the mere challenge of the matter tingled his soul just as the sun kissed his goosebump-laden flesh.

Deep into this meditative sun-gazing, Flash became aware of a sudden gust of wind. It was localized, and Flash tore his eyes off the brightness to see a stallion hovering just to the side of the balcony.

"There you are," Soarin exhaled a particularly heavy breath. "Thank Celestia."

Flash blinked. "Good morning."

"Good morning to you too, dude," Soarin said. Still hovering. Still breathless.

Flash raised an eyebrow. "Something the matter?"

Soarin dropped to the balcony beside the younger stallion. With a vexxed expression, he pointed into the suite beyond the curtains. "Didn't you hear me banging on your door for the past ten minutes?"

"Huh?" Flash barely turned around. "Oh. Sorry, man. Guess I didn't hear it."

"You've been out here this whole time?"

"Yeah. For a while, I guess..."

"Yeesh..." Soarin's wings drooped as he looked off the balcony. "I came around in a hurry. For a second there I thought..." His words trailed off.

Flash blinked curiously at him. "What? What did you think?"

"Just..." Soarin waved a hoof while his tail flicked. "Just forget about it..."

"Soarin..." Flash arched an eyebrow. "Don't you think you and I are far beyond 'heart-to-heart' by now? Just friggin' spill it, already."

At long last, Soarin looked directly at him. It was a stern expression, befitting an older brother or a father. "Why do you gotta be such a downer, man?"

"Comes from living in the down-ness all the time."

"I'm being serious, bro!" Soarin's voice cracked, destroying his tough-guy-ness. He gestured. "I'm worried about you! Lately everything you've been saying... or sounding lately just seems so... so... self-destructive!"

"I'm not self-destructive, Soarin, I promise—"

"Then why are you choosing to go back to that place you hate?"

"What, home?"

"Yeah, home! Tartarus! Hell! Call it whatever! It sucks and you hate it and by going back there..." Soarin's teeth showed. "...it just seems like you're a big rolling ball of self-hate."

"I'm not being self-destructive by choosing to go back home, Soarin," Flash said. "It's quite the opposite."

"Pfft! Oh really?!"

"Yes. I truly believe I can make a difference back there and—" Flash's brow furrowed. "Why didn't you bring any of this up last night?"

"Cuz last night you were a soppy, blubbering mess!" Soarin's voice cracked again. "I'm not in to kicking sad puppies when they're down!"

"Uh huh..."

"And I guarantee you that all the other ponies feel the same about your choice!"

"No they don't—"

"Oh yeah they do!" Soarin nodded vehemently. "They're just not all gifted with wings to fly around here and yell at your butt!"

"You call this yelling?!"

"I call this being friggin' worried out of my... my... PEEVED skull for you!" Soarin barked... and he winced heavily into the echo of his own outburst, ears drooping.

Flash—leaning oddly away from him—only looked more confused. "... ... ...what?"

"That... th-that isn't a huge no-no word where you come from?" Soarin stammered.

"What? 'Friggin?'"

"No, the P-word."

"What, 'peeved?'" Flash's wings stretched and outstretched in a feathery shrug. "Hell, no. I'm sure boring eighteenth century philosophes blew their noses to that word, dude."

"I... I just wanted to show you how serious I was..." Soarin practically deflated, staring off across the balcony with a drooping expression. "Awwwwwww moosecunts..."

"Snkkkt—" Flash doubled over. "Pffft—ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Soarin blinked. "What?"

"Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!"

Soarin's muzzle scrunched into a confused grin. "What? What did I say?"

"Ha ha ha ha... ha ha..." Flash lay on his side with a drunken smile. "I'm so glad I came to this place." He smiled rosily at his friend. "I'm so glad I met you, dude." Slowly, his smile softened—as did his voice. "I'm so sorry to have worried you... over and over again. I... I guess I can understand why you would think that I'm... th-that I could possibly be..." He bit his lip. His eyes drifted towards the sunrise.

Soarin sat by his side. Gazing. Patient.

A shudder escaped Flash's face. A tear trickled down his cheek. Heavy. Easy. He wondered why it felt so hard to shed them for so long. It was so hard to feel for so long.

With a gentle fetlock, Flash wiped the tear away... then dammed the next few before they form. A few sniffles later, he murmured, "All that you ponies have ever been is good to me... and still, I'ved treated you like garbage. Ignoring your concerns. Ignoring your feelings."

"That's not true—"

"Can I just say I'm sorry?!" Flash snapped. "Can't you just let me get that out?! I'm s-sorry, Soarin..." Flash sobbed halfway through the utterance. He closed his eyes and calmed himself with shuddering breaths. "I'm sorry that I'm just some... unstoppable rolling train of negativity." A heavy gulp. "I should have apologized to my family and friends back in my world. Instead... I had to bring my baggage here... and unload on you all..."

Soarin slowly nodded. "You did what you had to do... for your sanity's sake. And for your conscience's sake."

"Yeah, well..." Flash muttered, wiping his muzzle dry again. "Like a true thespian, I had to save it all for last night's explosion."

"I don't believe that for a second."

"Huh...?"

Soarin's eyes narrowed. "I don't think you're done, bro," he said. He maintained a steady gaze, even as Flash looked up at him. "Not by a long shot. You can't just... heal stuff like this overnight. And that's what you need from this place, Flash. That's what you've always need from Equestria. Not redemption. Not some way to prove you're better than how you perceive yourself. But a chance to let it all out and heal—"

"I can't stay here and have it easy all my life—"

"Nopony's saying that! But... but if you just... take off and go back home now without getting the rest of this bottled-up junk out of your system..." Soarin shrugged. "...how can you be in a healthy position to do anything good?! For yourself—much less for an entire stinkin' world?!"

"I don't want to just heal myself, Soarin. I want to heal those around me."

"And that's cool, dude! But don't just hop into the nearest cannon and shoot yourself straight through the mirror!"

Flash's eyes narrowed. "What makes you think I'm gonna just do this right away?"

Soarin returned with a deadpan expression. "Seriously? Mr. Impulsive? Mr. I'm-Gonna-Go-Talk-To-The-Canine-Assassins-Because-Why-Not?"

Flash glanced left... then right. "...dogs can't operate catapults where I come from."

"Dude, will you just—"

"I bear a lot of sins, Soarin," Flash said. "But chief among them are excuses. And for once in my life..." He shook his head. "I feel light as a feather. I feel weightless. I don't want to start stacking them up again. I need... I need to go back to where it all began and start living my life right." He took a deep breath. "I'm glad that I came here... I'm glad that I met you... and that I met all my other friends and made a difference in everypony's life. But now that I've gotten the feel-goods out of my system, it's time to muscle up for what really matters... what really matters to me and my futre." A sigh. "The tutorial's over. Time to press Start."

Soarin replied with something that Flash didn't expect. "I'm quitting the Wonderbolts."

"... ... ..." Flash's pupils shrank. He sat up straight, muscles tightening. "Wh... when did you finally decide?"

"About an hour ago," Soarin said. "Right before I came here to check on you." His nostrils flared. "Didn't get much sleep last night."

"Mmmm..." Flash shifted. "...sorry."

"Ain't your burden to bear, bro." Soarin shrugged. "This has been a long time coming. We both knew that."

"You... uh... you planning on—"

"I'm going to teach at flight camps along young pegasi," Soarin said. There was a hint of a smile along the edges of his lips. "And if you're worried about Spitfire and the rest—don't be. I've done my duty. I'll be an honorary hall-of-famer among the Wonderbolt Wings in no time. If nothing else, it should give me an edge when I start training. Not that I'll take advantage of that or anything. I just... want to see the happy faces on young fillies and colts as they learn how to fly for the first time... as they start mastering the sky that they've lived under for so long." He gazed off at the burning sunrise in question. "I'm tired of doing the same bouring air tricks over cloud arenas... weekend after weekend. As much as I love Spitfire, I'm tired of the orders being screamed out... I'm sick to death of the constant intensity... with no reward or glory."

"Well..." Flash nodded. "I'm happy for you, bro. I'm glad you're choosing to go through with this."

"So am I. And do you know why?" Soarin looked the younger stallion's way. "Because it's something that I know will fulfill me. It will bring me joy... and it will bolster the happiness and progress of others."

"Yeah..."

"But what about you, Flash?" Soarin's eyes narrowed. "What are you doing to do with your life?"

"I..." Flash blinked. He fidgeted where he sat. "I don't know."

"Let me rephrase that then." Soarin breathed. "What are you going to do with your life other than punish yourself needlessly?"

Flash sighed. He leaned back. "I don't know..."

"So what if you've committed some unpardonable sin?" Soarin shrugged. "I don't see that, bro! What I see... is a young stall—human who wants to do what's best for those around him. I see an individual who's aware of the mistakes that have been made and now wants to change for the better."

"And that's what I'm going back home to do, Soarin."

"But that's the one thing that I don't see..." Soarin's ears drooped. "Last night, in a single breath, you took all the cruddy things that you hate about the world and you just... threw them on your own shoulders." He shook his head. "You don't deserve that, dude! Nobody does! What's... what's the crime in taking it easy on yourself? Can't you at least take into account the things you've done here and cut yourself some slack?"

"I'm never going to forget the things I've done here, Soarin," Flash said calmly. "I'm going to take them with me—all of the smiles, all of the words of gratitude, all of the sights and sounds of the celebration here in the Crystal Empire... those are the things I'm going to bear on my shoulders as I go back home." Flash smiled gently. "I only wish I could have drummed up some courage in my previous life."

"See..." Soarin pointed at the air. "It's stuff like that which gets to me. You're still you dude. You can't change that!"

"I'm fully aware."

"I just..." Soarin clenched his teeth. He held a hoof to his brow, then weathered a shuddering breath. His next breath came out slightly ragged. "...I'm so worried for ya, bro." He gulped. "Celestia help me, I just don't understand..."

"Shhhh..." Flash leaned in until his forehead was gently resting against the other stallion's. "Neither do I, Soarin. About most things... except one." He clenched his jaw. "I've got to do this."

Soarin shuddered.

"I have to. I got what I came here for out of my system and..." He leaned back with a firm breath. "Now I have go to home."

It was a prolonged period of time before Soarin' opened his eyes. A tear ran down his face. "Well..." He made a small sound inside his muzzle, then looked directly at the teenager. "...if that's what you whole-heartedly believe..." A soft yet strong smile. "...then I've got your back."

Flash nodded. He squirmed a bit, then broke a smile. "And wh-who knows? I... I might be able to come back and visit someday! See just how you're doing with the students."

"Do you honestly believe that?"

"... ... ..."

Both found it hard to look at each other for a good half-minute.

"Well... anyways..." Flash awkwardly murmured, scratching his chin. "I hate to be a total jerk... but I've got one last favor to ask of you."

Soarin nodded calmly. "Name it, bro."

Flash looked at him, his eyes moist yet again. "Do you think... you can escort me to the Princesses?"

Comments

[The Great Derpsby]

A shudder escaped Flash's face. A tear trickled down his cheek. Heavy. Easy. He wondered why it felt so hard to shed them for so long. It was so hard to feel for so long.

Because the danger with depression isn't feeling sad. It's feeling so sad that you go numb. And when you're at that point, where the only alternatives are feeling horrible or feeling nothing, the choice to stop feeling along with stopping everything else becomes... not as difficult anymore.

[Geminii]

"The tutorial's over. Time to press Start."

Keyblade obtained!

[djthomp]

"I'm going to teach at flight camps along young pegasi," Soarin said. There was a hint of a smile along the edges of his lips. "And if you're worried about Spitfire and the rest—don't be. I've done my duty. I'll be an honorary hall-of-famer among the Wonderbolt Wings in no time. If nothing else, it should give me an edge when I start training. Not that I'll take advantage of that or anything. I just... want to see the happy faces on young fillies and colts as they learn how to fly for the first time... as they start mastering the sky that they've lived under for so long." He gazed off at the burning sunrise in question. "I'm tired of doing the same bouring air tricks over cloud arenas... weekend after weekend. As much as I love Spitfire, I'm tired of the orders being screamed out... I'm sick to death of the constant intensity... with no reward or glory."

I like this plan. It sounds like a good thing for Soarin.

[DragonRaiderX9]

The more I think about it, the more I like this story. Flash is being a super-angsty teenager, but it's still rooted in understandable emotions. I really dig it.