If anyone wants there story to get a quick once over, and not an in-depth comb-over; we can do that. Just nice friendly pointers on what we might can spot that might be flawed with your otherwise amazing story.

No butthurting... we promise.

Before we review though, we ask that you add your story to the group.

1391246

Already added. I would love to hear what you think of it!

1391383
No problem.

I gave the story a quick once over; I'm not really going to mention typos and little things like that, because they happen to the best writers out there.

Here's a rough break down, and grade of readability. 1 is lowest, and 10 is highest.

Originality: = 9
Concise Direction: = 7
Characters: = 10
Dialogue: = 10
Structure: = 3
Overall Story Grade: = 8 1/2

This is a great looking story, it has good thought given to the characters, the direction of the plot, and it builds upon many levels of deep narrative. The language is easy to understand, and one does not feel as if they are having to wade through five chapters to finally figure out where it might be going.

The only, and I mean that only real serious drawback, is the paragraphs.

Dialogue is tricky for a lot of writers. I have to kick myself hard every time I write it, and I've been doing this stuff for twenty years. So while I don't expect you to go back and revise all 100,000 words of your story; I'll give you this to take with you on the next one.

Here's an example of your story from somewhere at the 3/4 mark.

Filthy Rich sat back in his chair as he blew a smoke ring. “She told ya 'bout the ziggler?” he asked. “Did she tell ya how she abandoned me and her own mama in Dodge City while she went jezebelin’ 'round with the pony who killed mah daddy? Did she tell ya 'bout gettin’ arrested?” Big Macintosh nodded at each question. “Eeyup,” he replied. “I know ‘bout her past, and 'bout mah granddad. The important thing is settin’ things right.” Filthy Rich chuckled as he chewed on the end of his cigar. “Ya sound just like yer daddy, ya know that?” he smiled. “Honeycrisp said the same thing to me years ago after he found out 'bout me and mama. Too bad he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”

This is a bit cluttered for conversation; like having two or three people all speaking at the same time, and you are trying to listen. Some people can do it, but others cannot. When writing dialogue, every time a different person speaks, then you need to start a new paragraph. Even if they say something, perform an action, and then go back to speaking. They own the whole paragraph.

Here's a rough-shod example of how it would flow better, if you'll pardon me, for intruding on your writing.

Filthy Rich sat back in his chair as he blew a smoke ring. “She told ya 'bout the ziggler?” he asked. “Did she tell ya how she abandoned me and her own mama in Dodge City while she went jezebelin’ 'round with the pony who killed mah daddy? Did she tell ya 'bout gettin’ arrested?”

Big Macintosh nodded at each question. “Eeyup,” he replied. “I know ‘bout her past, and 'bout mah granddad. The important thing is settin’ things right.”

Filthy Rich chuckled as he chewed on the end of his cigar. “Ya sound just like yer daddy, ya know that?” he smiled. “Honeycrisp said the same thing to me years ago after he found out 'bout me and mama. Too bad he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”

Anyway... there's my quick review for you. Good job, and keep up the writing.

1391246
Could I please have a review of my story A Lonely Hearth's Warming Eve? It's not in the group because there isn't a Slice of Life folder and that is it's only tag.

3545288
I added the Slice of Life folder, so you can include your story. It might take me a day or two to get a review back to you once you add it. My weekdays are pretty busy from dawn till dusk.

3546336
Okay, thanks! It's in there now.

3547739
Okay, so finally had some time to sit down and give this a read-over.

Originality: = 10
Concise Direction: = 9
Characters: = 9
Dialogue: = 10
Structure: = 9
Overall Story Grade: = 9 1/2

The theme of this story was very touching; I felt a real melancholy connection to Scootaloo throughout, and I had several instinctive moments where I wanted to reach out and give her hugs.

Whether it was deliberate or the act of an amateur, I found the scene direction perfect for this kind of story. Some might would call it "telling" but I thought it worked really well as a form of narrative. I wouldn't change it at all.

Over all there isn't much to critique, I can only say that it was one of the more enjoyable pieces of fan fiction that I've read in a while, and it deserves a good spot in the "Hearth's Warming Eve" shelf of any reader.

Great Job, and highly recommendable.

1391246 Do you think you could review Swordstorm: Book 1? A few people have reviewed it, but I still would like to hear more opinions.

I could look into it, if you'd like. I'm pretty busy these days due to my recent move, and heavy remodeling; so it may take me some time.

Could you give me a link?